BH-3014  Confessions Of An Author
(Felix Dormann)


AUTHOR'S PREFACE

I gave you these pages, my dear friend, on the same day that my doctor had
given me the impression I could expect the end. And as the last favor to a
friend I had asked you to publish the pages I had given you. That I
ultimately did not die is neither your nor my doctor's fault. But meanwhile
you have read my honest and forthright confessions and are of the opinion
that they should not be withheld from the rest of the world. As a matter of
fact, you consider these confessions educational. Of course, I have to
smile about that. I have no desire to educate. Not anybody. To educate
means to spoil. But I have an idea: to publish these confessions is bound
to give a certain beautiful woman a marvelous case of jaundice.

So, please, do publish my diary. Just change the names and leave out
something here and there, wherever you think that I might be too easily
recognized. The beautiful woman, that harridan, will recognize me well
enough  and that suits me just fine.


Chapter One. MY EARLY YEARS

My sexual desires were awakened at a rather early age and I can remember
all the circumstances that contributed to this early awakening quite
clearly. I had a mother who was very beautiful and a real woman. Whenever
she took me upon her lap, I pressed myself close against her and loved to
push my face against her full and resilient breasts. I often tried to
unbutton her blouse, because I wanted to put my face against her bare skin;
but, to be perfectly frank, the moment Mama realized my intentions, she
slapped my hands. It made me more aware I started to think. Now, why
shouldn't I press my face against Mama's beautiful, rosy, bare skin?

I was five years old when Mama took me with her to the city's bathing
establishment. I was not the only boy in the ladies' department. It gave me
immense pleasure to watch all these women in their many-colored bathing
suits and to see those naked calves. There was one in particular that I
could not keep my eyes off. She was wearing a tight-fitting knit suit and
had already been in the water. The tricot fitted her like her own skin. The
little buds on her breasts stuck out quite visibly and her thighs were
marvelously white and full. A few of the ladies noticed my obvious delight
and I heard Miss Rita Hellmer  who was destined to play an important role
in my later years  remark to one of the other girls, That little boy 
starts early! Though I did not understand her remark, it made me think,
and now I felt duty-bound to really stare at that beautiful woman in her
tricot.

Mama had left me in the care of one of the female attendants and a few of
the boys who could already swim. But suddenly she took me along with her
and sat down with me on the steps which led to the swimming pool. Oh, how I
pressed myself against her! Now I really felt her skin and saw the
beautiful bosom which stood out firmly in the red bathing suit. At that
time a strange, up till then unknown, feeling shivered through me and I had
to hold myself tightly against Mama, since, otherwise, I would have slid
into the water. I was overcome with a sudden vertigo. Mama noticed that I
did not feel too well and brought me over to a bench which was standing
next to the cabin in the shadow. She sat down next to me and I leaned my
face against the wet red suit, precisely where it stretched tightly across
her bosom. I sat there very quietly and I was very happy. As soon as Mama
noticed that I had quieted down, she wanted to stand up. However, I held
her tightly and she had to virtually beg me to let go of her so that she
could take one more swim in the pool. I let go of her but my eyes followed
her greedily and when she went out of sight I cried quietly. Finally she
returned. She walked quickly into her cabin to dress so that she could take
care of me as fast as possible. I sat there for awhile but she took too
long, so I got up and hurriedly slipped into the unlocked cabin. There I
saw Mama, standing before me in full and gorgeous nudity.

I heard her cry out in surprise. I saw how she grabbed for the first piece
of clothing and held it in front of her and I was terribly disappointed
that now I could only see her nude arms and the little blonde hairs in her
armpits. That was the day my sexual feelings were awakened and from then on
I have had a continual desire for the sight of an unclad female. And at the
same time I also may have felt that first, delicious itching in the
attribute of my manhood, that certain feeling of pleasure which points the
direction of the hand. I cannot remember how often I sat in the corner of
the sofa, or surrounded by the bushes in our garden, with my eyes closed,
imagining all the women and girls I knew in the nude, embracing and kissing
each other and they all had the beautiful body which I had seen. And my
little hand would go in my pocket and my fingers would feel around till
they found the nudity of my prick and finally a sweet, weakening feeling
would run through my body. During one of these fantasies, it suddenly
occurred to me that I had not noticed that little thing on Mama's gorgeous
body. It seemed to me the most important because it was that organ which
caused me to have all these sweet pleasures. No, you could not see it on
Mama. She had darling blonde hairs at that spot. But possibly I could have
been mistaken. If I just could see her once more that way! I desired that
so much that I asked her if we could go once more to the bathing
establishment together. I noticed that Mama exchanged glances with my 
father. And my father said thereupon, The next time I will take you with
me. But they did not please me with that answer in the least.

At that time I also had a nanny, a young girl who could laugh beautifully.
She may have been seventeen or eighteen. She would romp around with me and
she kissed me often. Every time we embraced I would hold onto her breasts
with my little hands, though those breasts were not as full and firm as
those of my Mama. But since she never punished me and also never complained
about my little liberties to Mama, I loved her very much and trusted her
more and more, far more than I ever did anybody else. I quite frequently
lifted her skirts up to her knees whenever she sat down, though I did not
get much higher. And I would have loved to find out if she had a similar
sweet little thing. And even when I lay down upon the rug and tried my very
best to look under her skirts when we were wrestling and playing, I never
succeeded in noticing anything else but her white underwear.

Normally, Mama would bring me to bed, except when she had to go out with
my father, which, as far as I can remember back to those days, was
something that did not happen too frequently. But if and when, my nanny
would take over that task. I will never forget the evening when that lusty
young girl, Miss Rosa, my last nanny, had to put me to bed for the first
time. My parents had left early that afternoon and they were going to stay
away for the night. I was alone in the house with my nanny, because she had
given the cook permission to go out and Mama had taken her chambermaid with
her. My nanny was very nice to me and she also allowed me to sit on her lap
while she caressed me. Suddenly she said to me, Laddy, do you love me very
much? Will you promise not to tell your Mama when somebody visits me? I
was very curious and swore solemnly to say nothing to Mama. Soon thereafter
a young man showed up who brought chocolates for me and kisses for Rosa.
Thereupon I was told to play with my fortress and set up all my tin
soldiers exactly the way Miss Rosa had shown me, very carefully and taking
my time. She just wanted to go with her brother into the other room for
awhile and show him something.

At first I wanted to come along, but since she assured me that she would
be right back, I let myself be talked into playing with my fortress and
soldiers. I set up the strongholds and placed all my soldiers in a row  I
had over one hundred and they were all carefully placed in rank and file
but Rosa still had not returned to view the results of my labor. So I went
to the door and knocked. Just a moment, laddy, just a moment, said the
voice of my nanny, and she sounded as if she had just been running up and
down the stairs. I stood on the tip of my toes and managed to open the
door. Rosa and her brother were playing around on the rug, they were
wrestling, she was underneath and he was on top. Their eyes sparkled and
their faces were flushed. I started to laugh and let myself roll down upon
the carpet, too. However, both of them had jumped up quickly and gone into 
my playroom. I thought that they were going to play tag so I got up and
rushed after them. But now I saw that my nanny's blouse was open and that
her brother was buttoning his trousers. And I also noticed immediately
that both were very embarrassed.

Nanny quickly fastened her blouse, walked over to me, kissed me and said
that she would cry and leave me if I ever told anything to my Mama. And
when Rosa, long after her brother had gone, put me to bed, she made me
promise once more to keep silent and then she promised me that she would do
anything I wanted. I looked at her for a while and then said, I will tell
Mama nothing, but then you must take off all your clothes, right now!

At first she cried out, But laddy, and then she started to laugh and
promised to take me into her bed. But the lights have to be burning, I
stated my desire plainly. Rosa went into the kitchen and when she returned,
she locked the door. That is because of the cook, you know, so she cannot
come in, she said. She, too, is not supposed to find out anything.

Rosa undressed me and put me in her bed, which stood opposite mine.
You're sure you won't tell anything to your Mama? she wanted to know
again. And then she undressed herself. I followed every single one of her
movements with eagle's eyes and waited for the miracle. The first thing I
said when she stood in front of me naked was, Is that all you have up
front? Just hair? She laughed loud and clear, bent down over me and kissed
me upon my eyes, mouth and body and then upon my little member which
suddenly stretched itself and stood up. She kissed it with moist lips and
took the entire thing in her mouth. She shivered, pressed her breasts
against my face and had me kiss her little rosy buds. Thereupon she
stretched out next to me, took my hand in hers and made me touch her pubic
hairs and then deeper. She smiled prettily and called out, Oh, you sweet,
sweet, laddy! I found everything incredibly beautiful and interesting and
absolutely refused to move away from her. She had to use force to get me
into my own bed.

That was the night in which I learned about the difference between the
sexes.

In the fall of that same year I had reached the age where I had to go to
school, but the doctor decided that I was not strong enough and among other
things he ordered that I would have to start sleeping alone at nights. Rosa
was told to leave the house because I had to be weaned away from female
company. I cried and did not want to let her go and I almost betrayed the
poor thing. A very serious-looking private tutor came to live with us. He
was a very good-looking black-haired gentleman with sinister dark eyes.
Every time he looked at Mama, those eyes would light up and he would forget
me and my lessons.

Once, Mama walked into the room during one of my instruction hours and she
leaned against the table when she pressed a kiss upon my forehead. While
she did that, I noticed her squeezing the hand of my tutor and I saw him
brush his lips against Mama's dress at the spot where it covered her
breasts. I experienced the most unbearable jealousy. Right after my lessons
I ran to Mama, hung on to her, kissed her hands, her dress and behaved like
a little maniac. She had my teacher called in to talk something over with
him and I was sent out into the garden. I can only guess what they talked
about together, surely it must have been about me. And from the few words I
was able to catch, I could gather that Mama had also talked about me to my
father. I believe they had made up their minds that I was to be placed in
an all-male environment.

But Mama succeeded with her wish to keep me with her till the next
vacation. She had a slight tendency to put on weight and she was going to
take the cure at Marienbad. I was going to be taken along and, because of
me, it was obvious that the tutor with the glowing eyes had to go also.
Papa, who was always very busy, could not take his vacation till much later
that summer and he wanted to go to the Mediterranean. I was used to the
fact that my parents came easily to an agreement with each other. In fact,
I cannot remember that they ever had an argument. Father treated his
beautiful wife, who was his mental superior, with the utmost charm.
Whenever he came home, or left again, he kissed her hand. But I never saw
those two people affectionate with each other. Later, much later, I knew
that there was something out of order between them. I assume that my
father, because of an operation, had become unfit for the marital bed and
only afterward did I remember that he, long before I had my first tutor,
had been sickly and confined for quite some time in a sanitarium. So I have
the right to assume that my father must have been a remarkable man, a true
hero, who did not allow the woman on his side to suffer because of ill luck
that had befallen him and who moreover allowed her to lead a life befitting
a woman of her marvelous beauty. Anybody else in his place would have been
incapable of such greatness, at the most he would have been able to give
the woman her freedom. Surely my father had offered this freedom to Mama
and equally as surely she had given up all her claims to it. They lived
together as two very good friends. Surely the essential conditions of a
mere friendship between husband and wife are the incapacity of the man and
lack of moral principles in both parties.

But at that time in Marienbad, I, the seven-year-old, had a marvelous
vacation. Possibly because I was on my own most of the time. I was
extraordinarily developed for my age and despite my secret sexual life I
looked hale and hearty. I was especially pleased with the half-grown-up
girls, the ones who were about to bloom out into full womanhood. They tried
everything to gain my friendship and I was almost always surrounded with a 
pack of these young things whenever Mama and my tutor went to the springs
or afterwards on one of their long walks. I did not come along with them
after Mama had decided that these long hikes tired me out and that the
springs made me lose my appetite.

Among the young girls was one in particular whom I can still remember
exactly. Her name was Grete Holm and, as I heard later, she took the veil
and became a nun after she had secretly given birth to a child. But at the
time she must have been barely thirteen years old. She was no beauty, but
she was very fleshy and she had a remarkably well-developed bosom for her
age. She titillated my senses to the utmost with her low-cut sailor's dress
which gave an excellent view of her bare upper chest. And she seemed to
notice my interest. And whenever she managed to be alone with me she showed
considerable interest in the center of my kneepants. Whenever something
caused me to bulge there, she pressed her thighs close together, stared out
into nothingness and her breathing would become short and shallow.

One day, right after breakfast, which the hotel's chambermaid had served
me, and while Mama and the tutor had gone first to the springs and then on
one of their long hikes to have breakfast somewhere far away, Grete walked
into my room. Without any further ado she sat down at the table with me and
while I was stirring my chocolate milk, in the meantime staring at her
especially low-cut dress for that occasion, she was putting honey on my
breakfast roll. Then she put a piece of it into my mouth and laughed.
Suddenly she unbuttoned her blouse and I could see that she was nude all
the way down to the waistband of her skirt. She did not wear a chemise! She
took the spoon out of the honeypot and rubbed it across the nipples of her
breasts that were standing out nice and red on her well-rounded bosom. She
then walked up close to me, almost pushed one breast up to my lips and
said, Lick off the honey from this one! I opened my mouth greedily and
sucked. And then the other one. But it did not seem enough for her. I was
supposed to take those nipples between my teeth, only not too firmly. Even
today I still don't understand why I did not bite them off. She walked over
to the door and bolted it securely. Then she returned to me and lifted her
little skirt so high that I could see her full thighs and her belly. Grete
really did not wear a chemise.

Isn't that beautiful? she asked. And she did not let go of me. I had to
show her what I had. She became ecstatic and kept calling out, Gee, how
beautiful! She wanted me to take off my clothes. She insisted, begged. But
I did not do it. We sat next to each other upon the couch for quite some
time, she with her skirt lifted high, and I with an open fly, and our hands
were not idle. On top of that I had to lick and suck continually on her
breasts. It was wild. We possibly could have kept this up for a long time
but because of her ardent laboring my member started to burn and sting so
terribly that I jumped up groaning. She lost all color and became very 
flustered and begged me to say nothing to my Mama. Well, I did not say a
thing even though I was still hurting that night and despite the fact that
I was terribly afraid. When I met Grete the next morning near the bandstand
she told me that she had been too excited to sleep at all. If my Mama
really did not know anything and if I was still hurting, she wanted to
know. It was remarkable how easy it was to put her at ease! Finally she
said with an air of superiority, Ah, you are still too young and too
stupid! And ever since she did not even as much as look at me, no matter
how much I tried to attract her attention.

A few days later I saw her in the company of a gentleman who was very big
and who had very thick and heavy lips. She stared at him without
interruption and he kept smiling at her. I did not feel well at all.
Frankly, I believe that I must have been insanely jealous, because I was
convinced that that gentleman had seen her exactly the same way I had. How
much honey must she have been pasting on her chest to accommodate those big
lips! I tried to imagine him licking and smacking. I became unbearably
excited. I ran up and down the promenade which led to the springs, avidly
looking at the girls and especially the women who showed their fullness
through the thin summer dresses they were wearing.

At noontime Mama picked me up in the hotel's reading room, like she did
every day, to go to lunch. She was terribly upset about the way I looked
and the tutor had to feel my pulse. Thereupon they called the doctor and
before afternoon I was in bed. Mama sat next to me, the tutor at her side.
My dear God, those two people were so beautiful. Once in a while they
whispered to each other, very softly so that I could not understand one
word from the French they were speaking. I pretended to be asleep but I was
constantly looking at them from between my half-closed eyelids. Mama seemed
to be terribly concerned and she leaned over to look at me quite often. And
then I saw her lean back and her hand would be in front of her beautiful
blue eyes, those eyes which made her look like a Madonna. The tutor kneeled
next to her and pressed his lips upon her white hand. I heard him say,
Please, don't cry, it will not be that bad. She embraced him and pressed
his face against her bosom.

When I woke up again I had compresses on my head and I was terribly
thirsty. I heard Mama's voice and then I heard her sob loudly. I believe
that someone led her out of the room. Only much later she told me that I
had been very, very ill and that she was about to ask Papa to come and stay
with us. But I had a strong constitution and I was well fed. That is why I
made it. And on my eighth birthday, which was a special celebration, I was
allowed to get up for the first time. But I was so weakened that, despite
the fact that the doctor was holding me, I barely managed to walk through
the room once.

It was well into fall before we left Marienbad. Mama was more beautiful
than ever. She wore a white, very low-cut Foulard dress, richly adorned
with lace up front and she smiled very often and had an extremely contented
look. Throughout the railroad voyage the tutor was very concerned about her
every move, but she laughed at him. And whenever she thought that nobody
noticed it, she caressed his cheeks. We only stayed at home for two days
and then the three of us traveled to Nice  Mama, the tutor and I. Father
had taken us to the railroad station. He kissed Mama's hand and said, Take
good care of yourself. He shook hands with the tutor without saying a
word. But he swallowed as if something was stuck in his throat. In Nice I
was under continual supervision. Mama did not leave me out of her sight and
at night the tutor slept in my room which was connected by an unlocked door
with Mama's room. I do believe that those two people were very happy, but I
was bored to death, especially since they were so extremely careful. Quite
frequently I lay awake for hours, listening behind the open door. I heard
Mama talk to the tutor and I could hear quite clearly that they were
talking about the most unimportant matters, about books and things that
were of absolutely no interest to me. So finally I got into the habit of
falling asleep as soon as I went to bed. Mama had become positively
enchanting, though, despite her cure in Marienbad, it seemed to me that she
had put on weight nevertheless. I remember that once she gave me a big kiss
and said, If you're a nice boy, maybe we will give you a little baby
brother for Christmas. When she said that, the tutor blushed a deep red
and Mama looked up to him with an adoring look on her lovely face.

We returned home a few days before Christmas  Mama and me. The tutor
drove up to the house with us, but he did not come in. I will never forget
the long painful look he gave Mania when he took leave from us. Mama
whispered to him, Don't look so glum, when it is all over we will take
another journey with the child. I will write you a letter. I pretended not
to listen, though not a single word had escaped me. Besides, I did not
think it strange that those two were on such confidential terms with each
other and I was overjoyed at the idea that the three of us would soon go on
another voyage. After all, it was obvious that the child was me.

One can imagine my utter surprise when I was told, shortly after we had
come home, that I was to go to a boarding school! Right after New Year's I
really had to go. A strange gentleman had arrived, a teacher of the school
where I had been enrolled. He stayed with us for a few days so that I could
get acquainted with him, and then I had to leave. The farewell from my
mother was very sad. Mama pressed me against her and cried, and I cried
too, nuzzling her full bosom. I can remember that I wished nothing else but
to tear Mama's nightgown and kiss her naked breasts. Finally Mama pushed me
away from her with a certain insistence. Papa went with the boarding school
teacher and me to the station. He kissed me and said nothing else but,
Have courage!

I got into the coach.
* * *
I spent three years in that boarding school without ever seeing my parents,
not even during the vacations. I know that my mother must have suffered
greatly, because she loved me very much. But I also must respect my
father's feelings and his reasons for keeping me away from home. Especially
now, since I have grown into adulthood, I realize that he was not so devoid
of male vanity as to have been without shame before his son.

Life in this educational institution gave a new twist to my sexuality.
Physical education, which took an important part in our curriculum, gave me
indeed more strength, but it did not tire me enough. It is possible that
they should have given me more to do than those pupils whose resistance was
not as great as mine. I derived my greatest pleasure from the large
swimming pool of the school. When I found myself amidst all those nude boys
for the first time (they were not even wearing swimming trunks), I was
overcome by a strange feeling of shame. Almost automatically I kept my
hands in front of my member, and, as I found out later, that was how the
boys could notice the newcomers to their school.

After I had regained my composure a little bit, I looked at the bodies of
my fellow pupils, first sneakily, then hesitantly and finally with bold
daring. I did not like the skinny ones at all, but I liked the firm ones
with light skin, especially those with a tight crotch and wide hips, the
ones who looked like girls. And I also took a very good look at those
private parts. I am sure that after the tenth time in the swimming pool I
could have recognized every one of them by those parts, even if the rest of
them had been hidden from sight. I also noticed something else, and that
was that sometimes one of the boys, during the horseplay around the pool,
especially in summer, would get a stiff member. Whenever the supervising
teacher would notice such a thing, the boy in question received a cold
spray from the garden hose, much to the delight of all the other boys who
knew the meaning of this particular cure. We whispered about these things
and the innocent ones who knew the effect but not the cause were quickly
enlightened by the more experienced boys about the feelings that caused the
hardening of the parts in question.

On my twelfth birthday, which was celebrated at school like everybody
else's, I had an experience. Obviously I was used to receiving presents
from home only. This time I received more than usual and among the presents
was a picture of my three-year-old little brother whom I had never met. 
That made me feel quite sentimental and I cried a few hot tears. But
somebody had noticed it, a blond beautiful boy whom I had always secretly
liked very much but with whom I never had had any contact, possibly because
he was a few years older than I was. He walked over to me and embraced me
passionately. I should tell him about my troubles and he was going to be my
best friend. He shoved a large piece of chocolate into my mouth and had me
swear eternal friendship.

The whole thing was incredibly solemn. We were alone in the room, because
all the other boys were already on their way to the gymnasium. I promised
to be true to him forever and we kissed each other. And then we went after
the others to the gym. It struck me as peculiar that, from then on, the boy
avoided me as much as possible in the daytime. I asked him about it. Is
this your way of showing friendship? I questioned. And he whispered
harshly, The others aren't supposed to know about it! and he withdrew
again from me. Whenever we were over at the swimming pool, I took great
delight in watching his body. The firm calves and thighs, his full chest
with pronounced nipples and private parts more beautiful than those of any
of the other boys. He noticed that I was watching him and walked over to
the dressing rooms. I waited a little while and then followed him. We were
alone. The boy smiled at me, his lips slightly parted and showing his
beautiful teeth. He stretched his arms over his head in one fantastic fluid
movement. It is very possible that the memory of it makes the mental
picture more beautiful than it really was, but I know for a fact that it
made a tremendous impression upon me at the time.

Quick, kiss me! he called to me softly. In no time at all I was standing
close to him, our nude bodies pressed together, our private parts touching.
Suddenly he grabbed me firmly and started to wrestle. Soon he threw me and
slapped me laughingly upon my behind. You little devil, he called out.
Did you think you could wrestle me? I heard the laughter from two of his
friends. He had just noticed them in time through the opened door, and, to
fool them, he had started our mock wrestling battle. When we were back in
the pool, he started to throw water at me, separating me from the others,
and when we were alone he whispered quickly, I hope I did not hurt you,
baby.

All day I walked around in a daze. As often as I could, at mealtime and
during afternoon recreation, I tried to get close to him and touch him. I
could feel how shivers would run through his body. When I became a little
too bold, he told me to be more careful. Once two boys had been caught
kissing each other and the most terrible things had happened. The boys had
almost been thrown out of the institution, and now it was his task to watch
over one of them. But actually, he protected both. Of course, I wanted to
know their names, especially since I too wanted to be their friend. But he
did not tell on them. Not yet, I want to make sure first, was all he 
said.

A few days after this great experience which, if it had continued, could
have changed my entire life, my new friend came to see me and said, This
afternoon, right after the vespers, go to the old log cabin at the end of
the park. You know where it is? Now, the entrance is nailed shut, but on
the right side, just above the tile foundation, is one log that can be
moved aside. It's easy to crawl through the opening. You will see what is
going to happen. I cannot tell you anything now. But if you betray us, or
if they catch you when you crawl through that opening, we will all be lost
forever.

I paid so little attention to the morning classes that the teacher cited
me. My excitement grew to such a fever pitch that I was incapable of taking
even one bite during lunch. Therefore I had to go to the school doctor and
I was scared stiff that he would send me to bed. But, fortunately,
everything seemed to simmer down.

At two o'clock I was called into the director's office. I started to
tremble. Could he have found out anything about what I was about to do? But
the director was very nice to me and even invited me to sit down next to
him. Then he said, You will have to take the next train and go home, my
boy! I was terribly scared, and my first thought was that my beautiful
friend had squealed on me and that now several of the boys were going to be
dismissed because they liked each other too much. The director ruffled my
hair. I don't think that; it will be too serious, my boy. Your father is
ill and he would like to see you. Pack all your things together, because we
don't know when you will be back.

Then he appointed one of the teachers to accompany me. I listened and
listened. Didn't the director say that Papa was ill? I tried my very best
to visualize my father and I did not succeed. I could not remember at all
how he looked and it frightened me enormously. And then I suddenly
remembered that I was supposed to be in the log cabin right after the
vespers. Wasn't it possible to take the night train? The director himself
had told me that it was not that serious! I cannot remember how I arrived
in my room, but suddenly I was there, stuffing my belongings from the
drawers into my luggage. The teacher was standing right next to me, urging
me to hurry. When we crossed the schoolyard, my beautiful friend stood in
the window. I did not even have the time to say good-bye to my friends. It
seemed as if the boy was crying while he waved to me. It became apparent to
me that he knew the reason for my sudden departure.

That is why I never got to know the mystery of these boys. I suffered for
a long time about that. My imagination supplied me with the most daring
pictures, in both waking and sleeping hours. And even today I sometimes 
feel that I, who have experienced so much during a lifetime, have an
emptiness somewhere, not in my intellectual life, but definitely in my
emotional outlook, an emptiness which I cannot seem to fill. And it is most
extraordinary that I have never met even one single boy with whom I used to
go to that boarding school, not even my beautiful friend. Once, about
fifteen years ago, during a long stopover in Berlin, I did try to look for
him in certain circles in which I assumed he would now travel. He was
from Berlin. But I had no success.

My father had died.

After the funeral, my former tutor came to visit us. He did not take much
notice of me but went directly to see Mama and he talked at length to her
in the red reception room where Mama also used to play the piano. I sat
with my little brother, who had grown into a darling boy, and his nanny in
the next room. Once in awhile the tutor's voice could be heard; he spoke
very excitedly, but unfortunately I could not understand a word he said. He
was incredibly serious when, after a long time, he finally left the room.
Afterward I heard that my tutor had implored Mama to marry him. He was then
barely twenty and Mama was well past thirty. She told me herself, when I
had become an adult and her trusted friend, that she considered it an
incredible audacity that a man, like Richard III, would woo the widow away
from the dead body of her husband. She was afraid that he would do harm to
himself, but the fact that he did not even try, made her decide to let him
go.

At least I was allowed to stay with Mama. Even though I was overjoyed at
the prospect, secretly I longed for the boarding school and especially for
the hidden delights of the log cabin at the end of the park. It excited my
imagination to such an extent that I started to lose weight. Mama was
terribly concerned about the way I looked and she counseled our new family
doctor, a young man who really adored her.

And one day he took me aside and talked to me about the secret sins of
boys in such an extensive way and at such great length that I learned many
things about which I had not even dreamed in my wildest imagination. Like
anybody else would have done, I suppose, I denied any sexual misstep.
Obviously I decided not to heed a single one of his warnings and I set out
methodically to try out every single one of the means of self-pollution
with which he had charged me and about which I had heard from him for the
first time.

I belonged to those boys who do not lose their desire for a woman even
during the wildest masturbation bouts because it was always the image of a
naked woman that set my senses afire. Once I was caught in the act by our
cook when I was standing naked in front of the mirror observing myself with
pleasure, with my hands not entirely idle. She cried out in horror and ran
away. When I thereupon quickly sneaked into the kitchen to talk to her and
ask her not to tell anything to Mama, she said, But, laddy, that's not how
you should start off.

And then she took my face between her rough hands and whispered into my
ear that after all she slept all alone in the little servant's room next to
the kitchen and why didn't I come to her at night once in awhile and that
would be so much better and healthier than . My hands reached for her
enormous bosom. Suddenly she threw her arms around me and slobbered all
over my face, sighing, Oh, laddy, laddy! Well, I am sure that the fat one
meant well for me. And really, the next night, when everyone was asleep, I
tiptoed into her room. She must have expected me, because when my hands,
groping in the dark, tried to reach out for her, I felt that she had rolled
up her coarse linen nightshirt. My fingers squeezed around the massive and
slack breasts and played in the forest which was situated somewhat lower.
The fat cook pretended to sleep. But suddenly her rough hands held me and
lifted me toward her, tenderly as if she were afraid I would break. Too
late, because while one hand was groping around her fullness, the other had
sacrificed to the goddess of love. And when I was on top of that fat woman,
who really thought she was doing me a favor, the horrible dank smell which
emanated from her made me nauseous and I quickly slipped away from her and
disappeared like a shadow.

I cried with impotent fury and shame when I returned to my own bed because
the first opportunity to fulfill the most ardent wishes of my feverish
fantasy had brought me nothing but physical disgust and a bad case of
nausea. And the fat cook must really have disliked me tremendously because
from that day on she did not even as much as look at me and within fourteen
days she had given notice, leaving our home. Her pride had been most
grievously hurt. And she was right. Didn't she try to be my benefactress
and hadn't she been rejected? And all this just because her little room was
not properly aired and heaven had promised her greater fulfillment than I
had been able to deliver.

After the fat woman had left the house I still avoided that particular
room, my disgust for it was that strong. Instead, I avidly looked at all
the women that were well-formed and prettily dressed and most of all I
stared at the firm outlines of my new piano teacher who desperately tried
to teach me the proper fingering at this instrument.

Once, while she was telling me off, I put my head against her bosom and
said, But I cannot pay proper attention, because I always have to look at
you. The poor thing, who was not even pretty, was at a loss for words
because probably nobody had ever said this to her. She pressed my face
firmly against her breast and tried to be very motherly about it, telling 
me that she would not be harsh to me from now on, but I would have to apply
myself a little bit more. I thereupon pressed my whole body against her,
because her innate goodness excited me tremendously. She must have noticed
that my feelings were rather carnal, because while she was talking about my
piano lessons and music in general, we had gotten up and she pressed me
against the only door in the room and performed right then and there with
her hand that certain ritual which mine only performed secretly in the
dark. When my head limped in sweet relaxation against her shoulder, she
asked me, Now, isn't that much better? Then she left, though I had
noticed that she too had become very much excited. From then on I
positively loved my piano lessons. I was truly longing for them and I
really paid attention because I knew that after playing the keys I would be
instructed in other techniques of fingering, provided I had done my lesson
well.

But the vacations also put an end to the piano lessons and when they were
resumed in the fall I was told that I would have a different teacher,
because Miss Olga was ill. A few years later I met her again and heard what
really had been the matter, but I will talk about that later.

The new teacher was an old wrinkled little lady whose looks neither
excited my senses nor my desire to learn. And therefore I have been a
terrible piano player ever since.

When I was fifteen and about to become a senior, I also made the honor
roll of students, thanks to one of the teachers who was kind enough to help
me with my homework. He soon became one of Mama's best friends and I liked
him most of all of Mama's best friends.

One of my favorite pastimes at that age (I must have been about sixteen)
was to walk around on the streets between seven and eight, just before
dinner time. The streets were then full of people on their way home from
work and I knew all the streets through which the young factory girls
walked. A lot of them allowed me to walk with them and take certain
liberties. Whenever I managed to walk along with a whole group of them I
was delighted to listen to their rude and vulgar expressions, and it never
failed to surprise me how the young men dared to use the gestures and
gropings, even in the more busy streets, to indicate their intentions. I
often dared to brush very closely past one of these young girls or to put
my hand somewhere against her every time I pretended to pass her. But to
talk to one, or even walk alongside her, was more than I could dare.

But once, one of the girls talked to me! It was in a narrow side street
which had very little traffic. I had been walking behind this young thing
for quite awhile and she had noticed it. She obviously must have liked it
and she had walked into that side street only so that I could talk to her. 
And when I did not do that, she suddenly turned around to me and said,
Well? At that very moment a young lieutenant came out from nowhere. I
presumed that he had followed this girl too./He shoved me rudely aside and
said to me, Why don't you go on home, you little self-polluter? I heard
the girl laugh out loudly, I felt the blood rush hotly to my cheeks and I
turned around and ran.

I had never before felt so miserable. I balled my fists in impotent fury.
Sobs strangled my throat. I know now that on that night I was truly ashamed
of myself for the very first time. That horrible name which the young
officer had given me burned in my mind, and I suddenly felt so guilty and
so dishonored, before the female sex I loved so much, because those words
had been uttered in front of a girl and her hysterical laughter still
echoed in my head.

I swore eternal vengeance to that officer. I could not care less at that
moment that I had only seen him for a few seconds on a barely lit side
street and most likely would not have recognized him if I ever saw him
again. But the next day came and I was compelled to go out on the street
again. I was still terribly ashamed. How easy would it be to run into that
same girl again and to be recognized by her! I believe that that was the
awakening of my sexual pride, the feeling that you are there for the
pleasure of the woman and that it is a sin to fail in the discharge of
those duties. I most likely would have fallen back into my old habit if I
had had a few days in which to lose this burning sensation of shame and to
regain the strength necessary to break my voluntary abstinence, if it were
not for the fact that Mama had a visitor  Miss Rita Hellmer.

Rita Hellmer is the same girl who was in the bathing establishment when I
went there with my Mama into the ladies' department, staring at all those
girls and women in bathing suits, and who had told her girl friend, That
little boy starts early! When Miss Rita, who meanwhile also had become ten
years older and more voluptuous (nevertheless she had remained unmarried),
entered the room, I did not recognize her and most definitely did not
remember her remark. She told me about that herself, and since she thought
that I was remarkably well-developed and tall for my age, she honored me
with a small conversation.

Since I could not take my gaze away from her, she remarked smilingly to
Mama, He still looks exactly the same as he did at the baths. She
laughed. When Mama was called away for a moment, she turned around to me
and said several times, My, those eyes of that boy  I really should not
say 'boy' any longer, and I should take care of not being so familiar with
you. And she took my hand.

I was totally confused. Blood rushed to my head. I kept staring at Rita, 
who now leaned back into her chair with a relaxed demeanor which was to me
the epitome of excitement. She smiled, leaned over to me and brushed the
tip of my nose with her beautiful lips. Don't stare so hard, she
whispered to me, in such a way as to indicate that only I should hear her
words.

I grabbed for her small beautiful hand and pressed my lips against it.
From the way she allowed me to do this and in the manner on which she
released me when Mama returned, I knew for sure that she was not entirely
disinterested in me. But at the same time I became terribly fearful that I
would give away my secret to Mama and I got up to leave the room. Rita
offered her hand and again, though less passionately, I was allowed to
press my lips against those divine fingers.

I felt incredibly proud and happy; I walked as if upon a cloud. But, this
day had even more in store for me. About half an hour after Miss Rita had
left, I was called into Mama's room. Miss Hellmer forgot her lace shawl
and I want you to take it quickly to her home. Be very careful with it, it
is priceless. Hot and cold shivers ran through me. I turned around and
went back into my room because I did not want Mama to see my excitement. I
told her that I wanted to dress up before I left. Mama laughed. You vain
boy, she called when I dashed up the stairs, she may not even be home!

I had put the lace shawl in the inside pocket of my jacket; once in awhile
I would take it out and hold it against my lips. Obviously, I talked myself
into the fact that Rita was deeply in love with me.

When I had reached the street where Rita's home was  she had inherited it
after her parents died-I had become so excited that I was unable to walk
one more step, I could no longer see straight. But soon I succeeded in
walking very slowly in front of the houses and when I had finally reached
her home, Rita was just on her way out. She acted rather surprised but she
called me by my first name. And she looked at me sort of strangely,
winking!

She was in the process of leaving, she told me, because she had to deliver
something somewhere, but I was obviously so tired that she went back into
her home with me and asked me to sit down in a low easy chair. She sat down
opposite me. But I could no longer take it. Suddenly I got up, kneeled in
front of her and threw my arms around her waist. I felt her fingers in my
hair and then I heard how she softly whispered, Wait.

When she returned she was without her hat and wearing a long, soft dress
which left her shoulders free. I walked toward her and wanted to embrace.
Oh you wild, wild boy, she said, though she made no move to avoid me. She
walked over to the door and secured its lock. And then she permitted me to 
throw myself upon her and kiss her like a madman. She finally fell down
upon the couch, completely out of breath. But boy, where did you learn all
this, she asked pantingly. I pulled the beautiful white dress down her
bosom, causing a few buttons to break off. I tore at the lace chemise which
showed the fullness of her breasts and I kissed and kissed and kissed.
Then, with a tenderness of which a virgin is incapable toward a man, she
taught me the ultimate expression of love between man and a woman; she took
me, because I did not yet know how to give.

When I left two hours later, I had become a man.
Chapter Two. THE YOUNG MAN
The next one and a half years of my life were called Rita Hellmer. The
passion with which I had started my relations with womanhood was so strong
and insistent that Rita, during her moments of extreme ecstasy, held onto
me tightly and cried out fearfully, One of these days it might damage your
health! I closed her lips with my kisses. Those were fantastic hours. At
first I met her every day right after school and I would leave her only
around dinner time. An excuse was easily found: I was playing the piano
together with Rita.

Her large home was laid out in an extremely favorable manner. The music
room had its own entrance and it was connected with Rita's bedroom by an
archway covered with tapestry. Her chambermaid and the cook had no business
there and it would not even have been necessary to lock the bedroom door,
which gave entrance to the rest of the house. Nevertheless, it remained
locked whenever I was there. We also did not have to be afraid of
unexpected visitors. Rita knew how to protect herself; she never received
anyone unless the intended visit had been announced beforehand. That was
her rule. And it should be obvious that any visit during our afternoon
sessions was out of the question.

It always took too much time for me to gulp the tea and Rita had to shove
the edibles that belonged to it practically down my throat. The cold cuts,
the caviar and the candies. But she allowed me, while I was furiously
chewing away at these things, to loosen her silken gown, take off her shoes
and slip off her silk stockings and then her fine silken chemise which was
the only thing left to take off. Thereupon we would sit at the piano. She
had invented that one to drive me out of my mind.

A few bars, and then I could not take it any longer. And then Rita would
start to undress me, very slowly. She would turn and move with hot desire
and I would almost lose all control over myself. And when her 
delicious-smelling nudity would kneel in front of me to untie my shoelaces,
staring continually at that part of my body which stretched out
passionately and longingly toward her, I was usually no longer capable of
containing myself. I would take her by the shoulders and push her down upon
the soft carpet or the silken pillows which she had moved from the chairs
down to the floor. At that moment all her willpower would depart from her
body, she would throw her arms over her head, her muscles relaxed and any
life which remained in her would only be audible because of her heavy
breathing. But the moment she felt my hot forehead against her shoulder,
she would embrace me wildly and not let go of me. I have never since found
such an ardent aftermath with any woman. And the aftermath was usually
followed by new desire.

Before I left her, I always had to go with her into her luxurious
bathroom. And when we were together in the large tub, in the warm water, we
would kiss and kiss till our desire would flare up again.

And when I came home, Mama would receive me with quiet tenderness. She
would often stroke my hair. She knew where I came from and I believe that
she also knew about everything else. When I had been to visit Rita day
after day for a few weeks, Mama said to me, You will have to limit your
piano playing with Rita to three times a week; the other afternoons I will
have a tutor help you with your homework, otherwise I am afraid that you
will fail in school and we can't have that happen, can we? I took Mama's
hand and held it for a long time, thinking whether I should talk and tell
her everything. But my natural feeling of tact held me back. I remained
silent. I did not protest Mama's wish to limit my visits with Rita.

Come to think of it, that was not very surprising. After all, I had just
come home from Rita. And when you tell someone who has just gorged himself
at a banquet that he will have to go on a diet, it does not make much of an
impression. Normally, Mama would insist on my going to bed as soon as we
had had our dinner together, but that night she allowed me to stay up for
one more hour. She was so sweet that I suddenly embraced her and kissed
her. Then she said, Oh, you wild, wild boy.

At that particular moment I did not know whether it was she or whether it
was Rita who said that. I held Mama's head firmly against my chest and then
I slid down and put my face in her lap. I remained that way for a long time
and was very thankful to Mama that she, too, did not speak a word.

An hour later, when I was in bed and trying to study a little before I
would fall asleep, I had a sudden inspiration which intrigued me so much
that I got up and sat down in front of my desk to write it down. The idea
was not at all original but it caused my feelings for Rita to change and it
also gave me a chance to put my feelings down on paper and to write down my
experiences. This is how my diaries were written which I have kept up till
today and from which these pages found their inspiration.

One should not laugh about keeping a diary. If they mirror the most
intimate part of a human life, then they are priceless. By writing an
honest diary one can be of tremendous service to those who make it their
life's work studying human nature and who may one day acquire possession of
such a diary. Only a very few who write down their experiences are capable
of telling the complete truth. Most of us do not have the courage to look
at ourselves naked in that mirror. A false feeling of shame and modesty
forces us to hide and even justify our doings to ourselves. To avoid the
truth of which we are afraid, we will wrack our brains to come up with
fantasies which are more satisfying and we are only happy when we have been
successful in replacing an unpleasant truth or an experience which we
really had or a thought that flashed through our minds with something nice
and kind which has never happened at all.

I thought about my entire affair with Rita and finally I came to a sudden
conclusion that I was playing the role of the eternal giver. Her submission
was not a granting but an avid taking without any feeling of gratitude.
Suddenly I said to myself, the way she takes you, she has been taking many
others before you, not because she wants partners to share her delights but
simply to satisfy her own lust. It occurred to me that she might not care
at all that I had to limit my visits to her home.

But no matter how these and similar thoughts had haunted me, the next day
I felt impelled to visit Rita again. I was passionate and wild and I told
myself that I was the lucky one who was received happily by her, though
nevertheless I was more observant than usual. Despite all this, it was
fantastic doing it that particular day. I can still remember it clearly.
After some gigantic outbursts of passion we were resting, our bodies
entwined, upon the soft carpet. Our breaths mixed, I can remember that we
had just enough common sense left not to forget our breathing. Otherwise I
felt that dying at this ecstatic moment would be my greatest happiness.

We had fallen asleep, breast against breast, mouth upon mouth. Suddenly I
got up, sat on my knees and tried to lift up Rita. At first she resisted.
Then I told her harshly, I want you to embrace me, you have to kiss me and
I order you to tell me that you love me! She laughed and got up on her
knees, too. We sat opposite each other on the soft carpet, eye to eye. Half
relaxed, she spread her arms and called out, Kiss me!

The way she sat there in front of me, her arms spread out, her body
slightly reclined, her beautiful breasts jutting provocatively, her eyes
closed and her lips half opened, she seemed to me to be the very embodiment
of a bacchante. I kissed this desirable body everywhere and she started 
writhing with renewed passion and vigor. She let herself fall back upon the
carpet, her arms raised above her head and we went at it wild, wilder,
wildest.

Only after I came painfully out of this state of utter mania, I suddenly
experienced a disillusionment like I had never felt before. I absolutely
refused to go with her into the bathtub and pulled away when she tried to
grab my hands. She acted very surprised but then she started laughing and
said, You should stay away for a couple of days, little one, I think I am
giving you too much. She lifted her breasts with her hands and held them
out to me. Aah, I would have loved to give you so much more!

It scared me. Of course, she must have noticed that because she said with
a motherly air, But no, no! Meanwhile she took me by the hand and led me
straight into her bathroom. I did not resist any longer. She told me to get
into the tub. I did. She got in, too. I felt her kisses, moist and hot, I
felt her soft fingers stroke up and down my body, but suddenly I did not
feel anything any longer. A sweet, lingering weakness took hold of my body
and I became incapable of feeling and thought. The incredible fear which
Rita must have experienced became clear to me when I woke up. She had not
been strong enough to lift me out of the tub so, while she had lifted my
head above the water with her left hand, she had taken out the drain stop
with her right one. That is how I wound up in an empty tub. Rita was
rubbing me with sharp smelling essences, my chest, my forehead and my
temples. And when I opened my eyes, her first words were, It is too much
for you.

I stared at her for a while and then I grabbed automatically for her
breasts which were closest to my face since she was leaning over the tub.
She said, Don't start that again, and she laughed teasingly. But her
whole body started to shiver and she looked very white. I tried to get up
and was successful though I had a sudden attack of vertigo and had to hold
on tightly to Rita. She must have misunderstood my motive, because she
cried out, Do you really trust yourself to do it once more? She also
grabbed for my member. I tried to avoid her hand. Disappointed, she said,
You must go now, my boy. Are you sure you feel well enough?

During all that time I had not said a word, but now I asked for my
clothes. They had been left in the bedroom and thus we went in there.
Suddenly I looked into the large mirror which was standing between the two
high windows on each side of it, a red light spreading a warm glow. I saw
Rita and myself, completely nude, in the clear glass. Of course, I had seen
the two of us in the nude quite frequently, as a matter of fact we never
wore anything when we were together. But this time it seemed to me
something incredibly enchanting.

As if in a dream I turned away from the mirror toward the nude woman. What
a beautiful back, the fabulous white roundness of her behind, the finely
modeled, slightly rounded belly, those gorgeous legs, and above all  those
breasts! I just stared and Rita would not have been a woman if she had not
considered my uninterrupted stare as a nice compliment. But all I did was
look and I had no intention of taking possession of her once more. But
suddenly she became excited and exclaimed thickly, I can't stand it any
longer!

She stared directly at my member, took it in both hands, kneeled down in
front of me and she kissed it! To no avail. I barely had the strength to
look down. I saw her whole body shaking. Then she pulled herself together,
got up and put on her dressing gown. I put on my clothes, too, and when I
was ready, I felt quite a lot better. Except, I was so empty and
experienced a strange cramping in the area of my heart. Rita said, Now, I
don't want you to come tomorrow, you hear me, and also not the day after
tomorrow, you wild, wild man! She took me into her arms and kissed my
forehead, eyes and mouth and pushed me toward the door. We must use our
heads, my boy. And if you still don't feel well tomorrow, you should go and
see a doctor. But be sure he does not know you, promise? One more kiss and
I found myself standing out on the street.

How I succeeded in getting home that day still is not clear to me. I
walked as if in a dream. Mama had gone to the theater, so that I had the
good fortune of not having to find an excuse for my being so late. Even
though it was only eight o'clock, I went directly to bed after I had drunk
a few little glasses of liqueur. I fell asleep immediately and did not wake
up till that next morning because someone was knocking loudly on my door.

One look in the mirror made me realize that it would be much better for me
if Mama did not get to see me that morning. The gray shadow under my eyes
reached all the way to my cheeks, and the color of my skin was sallow and
yellowish. I rubbed my face with my hands in an attempt to create some
color. While washing up I saw my naked torso in the mirror, which in turn
made me think of Rita again and a wild desire to be with her that instant
overcame me. I wanted to see her exactly the same way when I awakened from
my fainting spell, and without seeing if Mama had already awakened and
without touching my breakfast I walked out of the house.

To Rita's.

Her chambermaid opened the door for me and looked at me in utter surprise.
Then she told me that Madame Rita was still asleep. Finally I pushed the
girl aside and forced my way into the house. The door to Rita's bedroom was
locked. I ran against it. The next moment Rita opened the door. And before
she had had a chance to recuperate from her surprise to see me at this 
unusual hour, I pushed her ahead of me and stood in her bedroom. The next
moment, however, I backed up against the door in utter confusion and
surprise. There, in the bed, right in front of me, sat a young man 
mother-naked! He glanced shyly in my direction. Rita did not lose her
composure for one single moment. She threw off her silken gown, which was
the only piece of clothing she wore, stretched out her arms while walking
toward me and said, How sweet of you to come and see me! I hope you do
feel a lot better again! I could not utter a single word and did not even
try to ward off Rita when she pulled me toward her and put her head against
my shoulder, purring modestly, There was no other way, I simply could not
stand the thought of being alone.

And she started to unbutton my vest. But at that moment the naked man in
bed cried out, You filthy whore!

I automatically moved toward him but Rita held me back. Oh, why can't you
be sensible, she whispered to me, and to the other one, Only the nights
are for you. Who could guess that this dumb boy would show up this early?

She walked over to the bed and smilingly bent over to the young man,
kissing him. You have so much more staying power, she gurgled lustily.
And before I had had time to comprehend what was going on, I saw how the
young man pulled Rita toward him and proceeded to throw himself upon her. I
heard their passionate groaning, which I knew so well from her, and I saw
how she held on to this man's nude body, writhing wildly and enjoying his
debaucheries tremendously.

I have never before or since felt as lonely as during those few moments. I
left the room and closed the door behind me. Away from there was all I
wanted. But then I sank into the closest chair and started to sob. How long
I sat there I cannot remember. For a long time I heard the groaning in the
other room, then it became silent. The exhaustion after the storm. That,
too, I knew so well. I began to think. I now remember quite clearly that I
was contemplating returning to that bedroom and strangling Rita. As a first
thought, that seemed to me the most natural thing to do. Then it occurred
to me that the man on the bed first had called her dirty names and secondly
had almost immediately thereupon taken possession of her. I thought about
this contradiction for such a long time that I sobered up completely. I sat
down at Rita's white writing desk and started to compose a long letter to
her which I know now must have been a very stupid one and it most likely
made no impression upon her whatsoever. But my pride forced me to do it and
I accused her of sharing the most beautiful, most sacred thing I had ever
possessed with somebody she had just picked up from the street. I also told
her in that letter that she was the one who lost because I had always been
the giver whereas she was never anything else but the taker. I was very
satisfied with myself when I had finished the letter  and I left. Her 
maid, who was waiting for me to leave, took my hand and said, Don't take
it too hard, dear young sir, it is impossible to be jealous when you are
one of Madame Rita's visitors. Look, I am not jealous, either. Isn't this
the sweetest? And she pressed my hand against her breasts, looking up at
me longingly. But I pushed her away from me and ran out of the house.

Of course, it had become too late to go to school. I aimlessly wandered
into the city with the intention of considering my recent ordeal from every
possible angle. But I never got around to doing that because suddenly I
felt as if Rita was a person about whom I had never cared at all. I was
totally incapable of even disliking her for what she had done to me. But I
could not rid myself of a certain curiosity: I would have given years of my
life to know who the young man was that was visiting Rita this morning?

No matter how hard I tried, I could not remember his face. All I could
recall was his strong body and his white skin. And I had to admit to myself
that the sight of those two was no longer as horrible. As a matter of fact
I could not even find it shameless. I almost envied them because of their
courage. They did not care about me; they wanted to do what they felt like
doing at that particular moment and  they did it! Meanwhile I had dozed
off while sitting on a bench in the park. I suddenly woke up with a start 
it was past noon! I was terribly hungry and I went home. Mama looked at me
with a worried expression. At first she did not say a thing, but after I
had eaten she hesitantly offered the following opinion, Is it possible
that your piano playing at Rita's, after a strenuous day at school, is not
a little bit too much for your strength?

I could feel the blood rush to my head and I needed a moment before I
could answer Mama. I will not visit Rita any longer, I said. I would have
loved to say more to Mama, I mean I could have confided in her completely.
But I did not speak and Mama never mentioned Rita again.

It is curious. I suddenly became a serious student at school and I worked
hard. And not once did I have the slightest desire to see Rita again. About
three or four weeks went by when I overheard one of the maids announce to
Mama that Miss Rita was here to visit her. I said to Mama, You cannot
receive her!

My expression may have betrayed me; Mama had herself excused. At that
moment Rita had disappeared out of my life forever. I did hear a few years
later that she had become a princess and had been introduced at the
Imperial Court, but I never saw her again.

I have heard quite a lot about her, but that does not concern my life and
it left me emotionally cold. But I did meet the one with whom I shared the
servicing of Rita's eternal desire (though I am now no longer sure that he 
was the only one). I met him a few weeks afterward. One night while I was
looking at the window display of one of the book stores, a young man walked
up to me and started a conversation. I took him for a laborer till I saw
his hands: they were clean, white and soft. At first I did not understand
what he was talking about when he said, Don't you know what happened to
her? Her house is all locked up!

He noticed that I did not know what it was all about and he started to
laugh.

I must admit that the last time we met, I was not wearing any clothes.

Now I understood. He had awakened my curiosity, and I walked with him into
a more quiet side street. He told me that Rita had kept him busy all
morning of that day when I had surprised the two of them. She had asked him
to stay on for several more days. He lived with her as if in paradise till
he had become so worn out that he could no longer stay awake. She had let
him go to regain his strength. And when he returned he had found out that
the house was locked. The doorman told him that Miss Rita had left for a
long journey and would not return within the foreseeable future.

It made a curious impression upon me when the young man exclaimed, I will
forgive that whore anything, as long as she comes back. I will never get
one like that for the rest of my life. She was too good for one alone, and
one only was not enough for her! Oh, God, dear God! You know, I would like
to die right on top of her!

He became even sadder when I admitted that I had not heard anything from
Rita and, as a matter of fact, not even thought about her. You asshole,
was all he said when he turned his back to me and walked away.

I do not deny that I did not feel a certain admiration for this guy who
obviously was proud of the fact that he had been the giver to this female
to such an extent that all he finally wanted was to go to sleep. And not
only that, but he seemed to long for the moment that he could go on giving
and he did not seem to mind that this particular female also took from
others because she drained the strength from one much quicker and faster
than she could extinguish the fire which burned hot and passionately within
her.

Chapter Three. FIRST LOVE

One thing remained with me for a long time after this first great
adventure: a certain fear for all those well-dressed women belonging to the
higher classes. I returned to those secret sins of my youth, alone with my
own nudity in the bathroom, and had so many orgasms that I started to
suffer from nervous exhaustion.

But then I met a poor little salesgirl and she was the first woman with
whom I had relations again. It was only a short interlude of such little
duration that I would not have remembered it were it not for the fact that
I have it written down in my diary. And while I am writing this the memory
of this entire little episode comes back to me.

I can see again the badly undernourished body of the little one, her
shrunken breasts. I really do not understand now, especially after having
been used to Rita's voluptuous charms, how I could possibly have become
excited at the sight of this poor miserable creature. And yet, it happened!
I was aimlessly wandering through the city and I saw the girl go into the
cathedral. She moved like a shadow up the steps and disappeared through the
half-opened door into the church. It is probably that, at that moment,
desire for female company had awakened in me again, and the half-child with
its poverty-stricken look excited me. I don't know, but I went after her.

She had knelt in front of a saint's statue whose name I was unable to find
out. He stood on his pedestal wearing only a loincloth and at his feet
stood a raven or a crow or something. A small lamp lit her face with a
reddish glow and to me she appeared at that moment remarkably beautiful.
She looked up at the almost-nude saint, her hands folded in prayer and her
breathing was rapid and very audible. I kneeled next to her, brushing
against her as if by accident.

What's the name of that saint? I whispered softly.

I don't know, she answered.

She glanced in my direction when she said that and smiled at me. I moved a
little bit closer arid my hand pressed against her thigh. No response. I
moved closer again. And then she whispered at me, Why don't we sit down on
a bench?

She got up and went to one of those low benches that are completely hidden
in the darkness. I went after her. For a while we sat there, quietly and
without moving, then my hand went out to her, searching, feeling and
caressing. She raised herself a little bit, lifted her skirt and sat down
again. When I went with my hand under her skirt, I felt naked flesh. It
upset me, but quietly, as if walking a forbidden path, my hand moved on. I
touched her belly. I went lower. The girl opened up her thighs, she grabbed
my finger and helped it penetrate her. After a while her head lolled and
her body started to spasm. Then she pulled my hand away from under her 
skirt and brought it to her lips, kissing it. She started to nibble on my
fingers, groaning, and at the same time I felt her hand groping for the
bulge that had formed in my trousers.

I just sat there without moving and I knew that even with Rita I had never
known such delight. She tried to unbutton my trousers, but suddenly she
said, Let's go. It sounded so softly, yet so passionately, longing. At
the door she dipped her fingers in the holy water and crossed herself. We
walked up and down the quiet side street next to the cathedral. There were
no people in sight We were both incapable of bringing out a word; the
excitement had made our throats dry. Finally the girl pushed me into a
hallway and there she embraced me, kissing me sweetly and reverently  Rita
had never kissed me like that!

Do you want me? she asked shyly. I held her tightly. And then she told
me that she knew about a little inn near the railroad station where we
could be together without being disturbed. After we had walked along for
about ten minutes, she suddenly stopped.

Oh, wait a moment, she said, I first have to see if I have enough money
with me. She pulled out a small purse.

I laughed. Don't be silly, I have enough money with me.

But she did not want to hear about that. She did not want me to pay. If I
want you with me, then it shouldn't cost you anything.

At first I revolted. Wasn't that exactly like Rita? If I want you with me!
Do I only exist to be wanted by rutting females? But my desire for this
girl was stronger than my objections to being used again and I said only,
But I walked after you into the cathedral; I was the one who talked to you
first; I wanted to have you!

But she hooked her arm into mine and nuzzled up to me.

Later, when we were together in bed in the simple hotel room, and after
she had kissed my whole body during a scene of fervent passion, she looked
up at me, putting her hand under her chin, and said sadly, You know that
you are the first one who wanted to have me. Oh, every time when I cannot
stand it any longer I have taken a boy to this place. It is not difficult
with all those poor students who don't have money enough to get themselves
a girl. They are always grateful. And I only like the very young ones; the
older ones make me sick.

I bragged to her about my previous affair, of course, without mentioning
Rita's name. But the little one laughed and told me the name. She said that
she had heard it from a couple of high school boys with whom she had been
to this little inn. They had told her about this incredibly beautiful woman
who was absolutely insatiable and who sometimes took on two boys at the
same time, either in bed or in her bathtub. And the little girl freely
admitted that she would do exactly the same if she had the money, even two
at the same time  no, that  never! You really couldn't love two at the
same time, and to do it without love wasn't worth doing it. She started to
kiss me all over again and exclaimed, I want you! Please, love me! Please,
feel me  And, after we had reached our full satisfaction, she took my
hands and kissed them, assuring me that she could not think of anything
more beautiful. I would rather have even less money but more often a
good-looking boy like you.

Before we parted, she said, I will go back to the cathedral for sure
tomorrow; I have to thank that darling little nude saint who has helped me
in getting you. And then she confessed to me that she always went there
and that she, if nobody would talk to her and go with her, at least could
look at the saint's nakedness. She would rub her thighs together and get at
least some satisfaction. We made a date to see each other again in the
little hotel.

If you really show up, then I will promise to remain faithful to you,
she said, looking at me with a very honest expression on her face. I think
what attracted me most to her was her honesty and her gratitude for being
with me.

We met a few dozen more times in the little hotel where I had become an
honored guest.

But finally it turned into a mere habit and the desire for someone more
beautiful had overcome me. I was no longer passionate with her. Sometimes I
did not stay longer than a half-hour with the girl in that hotel and I
often caught myself trying to remember Rita's voluptuous body while I was
on top of the girl, because I needed something to get me excited.

After all, the girl only wanted me for her own pleasure and she was
grateful for the release I gave her. However, she did nothing to me any
longer which evoked any release from my emotional tensions. And it
frequently became too much for me when I happened to see a well-built girl
walk past me in the street with a pretty face and a happy smile. And one
day my little girl said to me, You are not any longer like you used to
be. Her face was a little sad and she gave me her hand, But it was
beautiful while it lasted. She left without making an agreement to see me
and we never met again. I don't know what has become of her. The poor
thing, with her unquenchable desire for happiness which seemed to elude her
always.

It was around the same time that my mother finally got the impression that
I had grown into manhood and that I had become fully initiated. I mean,
fully knowledgeable about the facts of life, especially hers. I can now
fully realize the difficult internal struggle she must have suffered
between the desire to live her own life and her sense of duty. Oh, how I
hate that word duty, which prevents us from realizing our hottest
passions and which ties and strangles us and forces us to deaden our truest
feelings. Thank the Lord that my Mother had a strong will and that she
refused to sacrifice herself at her young age.

I must admit that her material situation allowed her to give a better
upbringing and education to her children than she could possibly do
herself. She was only excellent for the most noble lust for life, she was
only good as a giver of joy because I know that giving and taking were
mixed with equal proportions in her personality. Wherever she enjoyed
living, she loved with body and soul. To look at her was sheer delight and
to hear her deep, soft voice was utter ecstasy. To have scaled with her the
heights of passion must have been pure joy of paradise.

And especially during that time which I spent, finally unwillingly, in the
embraces of the poor girl, my gazes lingered more frequently than usual,
full of admiration, upon the beautiful form of Mama. Without any particular
reason I would hold her hand and press a passionate kiss upon it, I would
take her in my arms and hold her tightly. It really came as a shock to me
when she told me she was going on a long voyage around the world. She
ruffled my hair with her adorable hand and said, It has to be that way!
She pulled me close to her and kissed me upon the mouth. The delightful
shiver running through my body impressed me so greatly that it made me
write one of the few poems I ever composed in my life. I wrote it for
myself, and for myself only, and I have taken great pains to see to it that
it will be buried with me.

For the duration of Mama's voyage, my little brother was to live with our
grandmother whose lands were near the western border. I remained as Lord of
the Manor in our own house, occasionally visited by my dear departed
father's only brother, with whom I had absolutely nothing in common.

In the beginning I suffered from loneliness and the wild desire to see
Mama again. I hardly noticed the people around me. Our housekeeper looked
after the house, and Old Joseph, our gardener and manservant, stayed on to
look after me. But dinner was served by a young, almost seventeen-year-old
girl with beautiful red cheeks and a well-formed body which seemed
untouched. The old housekeeper, who had been with us since Papa's death,
had hired the girl to help her with the household chores a few days after
Mama's departure. But as soon as darkness set in, and my tutor had left for
the day, the old woman would retire to her room and Joseph left for the
coach house. The young girl was left alone to take care of me. She did this
shyly and without making much sound so that I hardly ever noticed her at
all. But one night, after I returned from the theater, I could not help but
take a good look at her.

It must have been around ten o'clock and she was sitting in the well-lit
living room. She asked me if I still wanted her to serve my dinner. My God,
she was beautiful! Deep black shining hair, a soft snow-white skin,
flushing red cheeks, a veritable picture of beautiful health. I must have
stared at her a mite too long and longingly because she blushed deep red.

She served supper and left the room quietly.

I hastily drank a glass of wine or two, maybe three. After I had finished
eating, I leaned back in my chair and felt terribly lonely in that dining
room with only one light burning on the table. Suddenly I imagined that I
was suffering from incredible thirst which could only be slaked by a tall
glass of ice cold water. I did not want to drink that wine. My hand
automatically reached for the bell, and equally as automatically, did not
ring it. Instead I got up and walked slowly toward the door. I opened it,
called out softly, Marie! Then I went back into the room and closed the
door. A few moments later she entered.

Did you call, Sir?

Yes, Marie.

I am sorry I didn't hear you ring.

No, Marie, I did not ring  I did not want to wake up the old woman.

I had walked up to her as closely as I dared but I could not bring myself
to touch her, even with one finger. We just stood there, standing close
together, without uttering a sound. Finally she started to move one foot.

I would  love to have a glass of water, Marie.

Very well, Sir.

She left, returned right away and poured me a glass of water. Then she
started to take away the dishes.

I just cannot stand it any longer to just sit here all by myself, Marie.
Please stay with me for a while. Please, sit down, Marie.

I suddenly took her hand in mine. She did not pull back, but she did turn
away her head. I began to get warm. Why don't you sit down, Marie? Are you
afraid of me? She shook her head and allowed me to pull her toward me on
my chair. I stroked her beautiful black hair, caressed her lovely cheeks. I
suddenly had to take off my tie and loosen my collar. Then I unbuttoned my
shirt, because I thought I was going to choke. I put the girl's hand under
my shirt upon my naked chest and I could feel how she shuddered.

She said softly, Please, no, dear Sir. She tried to take her hand out of
mine but I did not let go of her. But, during this slight struggle I
happened to touch her full and firm breasts. That was enough to drive me
out of my mind. I embraced the girl wildly and kissed her passionately on
the mouth. Her arms relaxed and fell slack to her side. I held her that way
for a long time, whispering, I won't let you go! I kissed her again and
again.

But suddenly she seemed to regain her senses and pulled herself away from
me rather roughly. I went after her. She had almost left the room, but I
went down upon my knees before her and embraced her thighs, pressing my
face against her. She bent over me, took my head in her hands and put her
feverishly glowing cheeks against mine. I reached for her breasts and in
doing so I tore the blouse she was wearing, exposing two full and firm
globes with rapidly hardening nipples. I stared avidly at them while she
stood up and stretched herself voluptuously.

Take off your clothes, oh sweetheart, I panted.

Suddenly she embraced me tightly. I pulled her down upon the sofa, took
one of her breasts in both hands, kissed it, licked it and sucked the
little nipple. Then I took the other breast. The girl squirmed and groaned.
I pulled out my member and let her touch it. She grasped it and squeezed so
firmly that tears came to my eyes. Suddenly she buried her face in her
hands and called out, But I couldn't, Sir!

I was unable to contain myself. I kneeled over her and tried to take off
her skirt, but she resisted with all her power. I held her firmly and tried
to lay down on top of her but she pressed both hands against the seat of
her shame. Then I tore her blouse completely and uncovered her bosom fully.
It was there  right in front of me, in all its unspoiled splendor. I laid
my swollen member in between those youthful breasts, pushing them together
with both hands. I groaned and panted and finally achieved some relief. But
right away I became terribly ashamed of myself. I got up, put my member
back in my trousers, turned around and went wordlessly into my darkened
bedroom which was next to the dining room. Suddenly I felt myself embraced
from behind, a cheek brushed past mine and warm and willing lips pressed
upon my mouth.

You poor, dear boy.

Mechanically, I pulled her closer to me and rested my head against her
shoulder. We just stood there and did not move. A few times she murmured,
pity in her voice, Poor boy.

Then she rushed out, cleared the table and when she had finished she stuck
her head around the bedroom door, whispering, I'll bring you some fresh
water in a minute.

I switched on the light on my nightstand and waited. For what? I could not
keep my thoughts straight. When I had waited too long, I started to undress
and lay down upon the bed, smoking a cigarette, taking long, deep drags. A
soft noise near the door jarred me out of my thoughts. I looked up. The
girl tiptoed into the room holding a carafe with fresh water. She put it
down on the table and looked in my direction. I noticed that she had made
herself comfortable. She was without shoes and wore only a light dress.

Make it dark, she whispered.

When I did not move, because only looking at her would stir new passions,
she walked over to the nightstand and turned the light off herself. My hand
groped for the beauties of this young body. But I, wanted to look and see.
I sat up and turned the light on again. She pushed her face into the
pillow, turning onto her belly. I loosened her skirt bands and unbuttoned
her top. Now she lay there next to me in all her naked glory. The freshness
of her body made my head spin. She did not look like any of the girls I had
ever seen.

I moved my face across those beautifully rounded and firm twin pillows. I
kissed them. She whimpered, I am so ashamed. Her body was aglow. I tried
to turn her around, but she absolutely refused. I tore the long nightgown
off my body and moved and squirmed my nakedness all over her. The girl
shuddered and whimpered with excitement but she kept her thighs tightly
closed with all the force that was in her and I did not succeed in prying
them apart. I became angry and asked her why on earth she had come to me in
the first place, if all she wanted to do was to tantalize and tease me. She
started to cry. I begged her to at least turn her beautiful breasts toward
me. She turned her upper body just a little bit, but I grabbed her roughly
and threw her on her back. I lunged upon her breasts, avidly kissing them,
licking them. I licked her lips, licked her clenched teeth and sank down,
completely exhausted.

Now she became nice and tender: she kissed me, took my greatly swollen,
over-excited member in her hand, squeezed it gently, then she lay down on 
top of me and held her breasts against my lips. Now that I was exhausted,
she was no longer afraid. And then she opened up her thighs. When she
noticed that I did not even pay attention to it, she became more bold and
guided my hand to her inner thighs. When she noticed that I had become
moody, she grabbed for her blouse, put it on and then stepped into her
skirt. Before she left, she kissed me and said, Don't be mad at me, kind
Sir, I cannot do anymore. If I were to get with child 

I perked my ears. A child? It had never occurred to me that anybody with
whom I had anything to do could ever get a child. And obviously, the
females with whom I had consorted had never had that thought, either. It is
possible that these women had nothing to be afraid of, and that the one who
now was bending over me was an entirely different type, one who had to give
and receive in an entirely different way. This thought made me very
sentimental. I caressed her cheeks softly and kissed her almost reverently.
And it seemed to make a greater impression upon her than my former abandon.

After a particularly long and passionate kiss, she stood up and stretched
herself. She glanced down upon my nude body. She held her bosom and
exclaimed, God, how beautiful! Hesitantly she sank down and brushed her
lips across my chest, then planted a kiss between my thighs. Hastily she
left the room.

I stayed awake for a long time. Being together with this girl, without
having experienced any physical satisfaction excited me tremendously. I was
contemplating whether I should sneak up to her room. No, her exclamation at
the sight of my nude body was more than enough to indicate that she had
seen such a thing for the first time, and her fear of getting pregnant was
a sure sign that she had not yet surrendered to any man. I was slowly
getting mad at myself. I had terribly insulted this innocent virgin! All
the tenderness that was within me welled up and I wanted to caress her and
beg her forgiveness. I even believe that my eyes got moist.

I finally fell asleep, of course, without turning off the electric light.
I fortunately woke up in the morning before Old Joseph had come in to bring
me my clothes and shoes, because otherwise he would have seen me stark
naked lying on top of my blanket.

At first I thought I had dreamed, but slowly everything that had gone on
the previous night became clear to me. And when I had realized fully that
it was not a dream, a tender feeling came over me which I had never known
before. If the girl had walked in at that moment, I would have embraced her
and kissed her like one makes love only to his beloved. But she did not
walk in, and even during the time that I was in the house, I could not as
much as catch a glimpse of her.

To have a reason to be late for supper, I made an absolutely unnecessary
visit to my uncle and I phoned the old housekeeper that I would not be home
till around nine o'clock. I was hoping, of course, that she would go to bed
without waiting for me to come home. I did not have the slightest intention
of taking advantage of the girl. All I wanted to do was just sit there with
the girl, talk to her and tell her that I loved her and that she should
love me, and also, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted that most of all.

I have never, before or since, experienced a night like that. But I have
often longed for one. I still have that longing.

When I walked into the room, Old Joseph was just about to leave. My eyes
darted around  the girl was not there! I quickly said goodnight to the old
man.

She was in the dining room, setting the table. Without looking around at
me she greeted me. I walked over to her, grabbed her hand and pulled her
toward me. I kissed her. She blushed deep red, pulled away and left for the
kitchen to get my dinner. After serving me, she wanted to leave again
without having said a word to me. I held her back. I pleaded with her not
to be angry with me and I promised her that I would never again be as
brutal to her as I had been  never, never, never. And please, now, sit
down and talk to me. But she said, You are absolutely right. A person who
has behaved herself the way I behaved myself toward you, does not even
deserve to be looked at. And she tenderly took my head in her hands,
kissed me quickly and walked out of the room.

I felt very sad, my meal did not taste good at all, I shoved my plate away
and started to smoke. I picked up a book and began to read. But it did not
work. I could not take my mind off this girl. And I kept repeating over and
over as if to console myself, She has kissed me.

I must have sat there for over an hour and when Marie returned to clear
the table, I took her hand and said, Please, forgive me, Marie.

I do not want you to be sad, young Sir, and please, do not make yourself
feel guilty.

And suddenly she embraced me, held my head firmly against her bosom and
she kissed me tenderly. Please, don't be sad, she said several times
over. With a deep sigh she stroked my hair, picked up the dishes and went.
I had the feeling that the most beautiful thing had just happened to me. I
was happy and I smiled like one who is at peace with himself and the world.
That was the mood I was in when I went to bed, turned out the light and
really, I pressed my lips against my pillow, kissed it passionately and
said, Good night, Marie!

Wait a minute! Didn't somebody slip through the half-opened bedroom door?
No, nothing! But suddenly I felt a hand on my face, a nude body in my bed!
Marie!!

She snuggled up to me closely and whispered, I could not take it any
longer. I don't want to be alone!

She felt around, caught my head and kissed, kissed and kissed.

I promise not to do anything, Marie. I promise. Oh, you sweetheart. Oh,
my angel!

It felt as if her whole body dissolved, she rested peacefully on her back,
all her muscles relaxed and then  she opened her thighs! I threw my arms
around her, kissed her lovely face, her neck, her breasts, her entire body.
She threw her legs apart, I felt her hands under my armpits, she tugged at
me and drew me across her body. What happened then? I heard small outcries
of pain and got terribly scared.

Do you want me to go away? I stammered. I am a terrible brute, Marie!

She held-on to me tightly, her panting breath came haltingly, she
stretched her thighs even wider than before and I felt both her hands
search for my member, grab it and pull as if she wanted to pull my entire
body inside her. No longer in control of myself, I pushed forcefully  a
suppressed scream  I put my mouth upon hers. My head sank next to hers on
the pillow, but I did not let go of her. A wild feeling surged over me, but
also over her. It was a sort of terrible hunger. She clamped her legs
around me as if she had to keep me tight and tighter and her lips locked
onto mine. It seemed as if we never could be separated again, we held on
tightly to each other and stayed that way for quite a long time.

Finally I slid exhausted off her hot body, burying my face between her
breasts. I heard her soft breathing and could feel the passion ebbing away.
We lay there for some time and then I asked, Can I switch on the light?

She did not answer, but her hands caressed my body softly. I switched on
the light. There she was, her eyes closed, but with an expression of
intense happiness. Then we looked at each other, laughing like happy
children. She lifted her arms and stretched them toward me. I let myself be
embraced by her.

Oh, what else can I give you, my darling, she sighed.

No, the happiness of that night, the delight of those weeks  I'll never 
find them again. Even the life of the most blessed person is sadly lacking
bliss like that.

I do believe that Marie is the only girl, with the exception of my
beautiful mother, that I have ever deeply and truly loved. Our togetherness
was tender and timidly intimate and even the storms of passion that raged
between us were very sacred. There was nothing in our words and deeds that
was unclean, and there was not a hint of the lasciviousness which used to
whip me into a frenzy whenever I was with Rita.

And the day on which Marie admitted to me that she was to become a mother,
belongs to the very few real sacred ones in my entire life. We were
absolutely not worried. I remember that she lifted her beautiful face up to
me, and smiled with shining eyes. I looked deep into her eyes and said, My
girl.

She anticipated our child with joy. She only did not want her parents to
know about it. After it had arrived she would show it to her mother and
then I had to be there too. Oh, it was all arranged and so beautiful.
Throughout that whole period I did not dare to embrace her firmly because I
was afraid she would break. But she just laughed at me and came to me night
after night.

One day she said to me that she had to leave the house because it had
become increasingly difficult to hide her situation. She wanted to rent a
room in one of the suburbs and there she would deliver our child. And
after that you can be with me forever, she said. That was our tragedy. It
could not be. I started to think. It was impossible for me to imagine the
days and nights that I could not be with her. With a thousand kisses I
talked her into staying. She finally gave in.

This was where Mama had to help us.

I had long since decided to tell her everything. Fortunately for us, her
trip around the world proceeded very slowly, and at that particular time
she was still on the Continent. Surely, she must have had ecstatic times
now and then and could understand the trembling with which her son now
asked for her assistance. I wrote her everything. That, at first, I had had
the bad luck to fall into the hands of a female to whom I was nothing more
than an instrument to satisfy her insatiable demands, and that finally,
after a few other trials and efforts, the desire which brings man and woman
together had overcome me. I can still remember word for word the letter I
wrote to Mama. And, even though some of the things I said now seem to be
rather childish, one thing was for sure: I had painted a very accurate
picture of my relations with Marie.

What I have written down on the previous pages is nothing but a faint copy
of what I have written to Mama. And what still amazes me to this day is
that I could write all this to that marvelous woman. I did not have to wait
long for an answer. The next day I had a telegram from Mama: Dear Boy,
Your Confidence Made Me Happy, Letter With My Proposed Arrangements On Its
Way, Greet Marie, Kisses From, Mama.

Marie had some trouble regaining her self-control after she had read
Mama's telegram. She kissed it, she kissed my hands and she implored me to
tell her what she could also do to make me happy. My God, she was so sweet
when she offered me her body. I did not notice any changes, and I put my
ear to her belly, listening for any possible sounds that might come from
the movements of our baby. We smiled happily at each other.

According to Mama's preparations, Marie moved in with an old woman who had
been Mama's wet nurse and who had lived for years on a small farm outside
the city. When we went to see her, the old lady knew about everything from
Mama and she was very nice to Marie and me. She talked about Mama as if it
were her own daughter.

You can stay here for the night, you bad boy! The two of you have gone 
well  as far as you have gone, and I don't think that you both will say
the rosary when you sleep here tonight, and saying this she patted me
shamelessly on the crotch, adding, Such a knave. But it felt good, didn't
it? She squeezed Marie's blushing cheeks and left the two of us together.
But I no longer dared to touch Marie. It seemed to me as if she had become
a higher being.

Week after week passed. I often kneeled in front of her and kissed her
hands and then I left her with a feeling of sacred elation and shyness.

And then a day arrived  it would be sacrilege to attempt to describe it.

As usual, after school hours, I walked out to the little dwelling of the
old woman. She opened the door with a very worried look on her face and did
not want to let me in to see Marie. At that moment I heard her cry out for
me. Marie had had an accident and the six-month-old fruit of her womb had
been destroyed. A few days later she died in agony after she had touchingly
said her farewell to me.

I was destroyed. I did not know how to hide my feelings and often paraded
them for everyone to see. They could not prevent me from walking behind the
coffin with Marie's parents. And obviously, my fellow burghers knew soon
what had transpired. The most venomous gossip went from one to the other.
The little provincial town had its sensation of the year. Without any shame
these people said, It's obvious! The mother is doing exactly the same!

How I hated those dogs. They have as little respect for love as they have
for suffering. They drool and slaver the very moment a human emotion shows
itself unveiled. Their morals are like a changeling conceived by jealousy
and irritation over the fact that their own dulled senses can only be
stirred by vile and disgusting fantasies.

Fortunately for them, I was so immersed in my own grief that I did not pay
any attention whatsoever to their vile whispering, or else I might have
knocked several people's teeth out. It did not even make any impression
upon me when my tutor, who was also one of my school teachers, told me that
he had taken the liberty of announcing my withdrawal from that institution
to save me the embarrassment of being expelled. It's obvious that one
should expel a derelict like me. May the devil get them all.

Mama was in Japan at that time. How could she have come to my aid quickly?
My uncle, my father's brother, took me under his wings. He did not ask any
questions, the facts were enough for this little Philistine. Oddly
enough, today I am very grateful to him. He bought me everything he could
think of and then he dropped me off at the railway station. Travel! It
makes no difference where, was his opinion. Nice Philistines like him are
always of the opinion that a young man who has been in trouble should
travel. He did not know any better.

First I went to my grandmother to see my little brother again. I really
longed to see him. After all, he was part of my Mama. Then I went on to
France, to Spain, with the boat to Sardinia, Italy, and finally to
Switzerland. That's where I stayed because I was tired of running. I took
up residence in one of the respectable and expensive hotels.

Chapter Four. A YOUNG MAN BECOMES EDUCATED IN THE UNUSUAL

I could not rid myself of the depressed mood I was in. I would sit in the
hotel lobby and vacantly stare into nothingness for hours on end. Sure, I
was young and healthy, and there were moments in which I managed to forget.
But, moments like that were short and few. The only things that made a
lasting impression upon me were the sweet and tender letters Mama wrote to
me. If I ever succeed in forcing myself into a higher esteem for my fellow
men, I will give to the world this collection of letters written by a
marvelous woman. They deserve a high ranking place among the most noble
documents of mankind.

But finally the day arrived that I laughed for the first time. And about
what does one laugh first? About the miserable old husband who has a 
beautiful young wife. I had noticed the wretch in the reading room of my
Swiss hotel. He bothered all the young people with invitations. His
beautiful wife, a golden-haired Swede, was bored. He needed company to
cheer her up, at least during the evening hours, he kept assuring them. And
he held one champagne party after the other. He had always avoided me,
which I can fully understand since I never bothered to smile and my
eternally stern-looking features could not have possibly endeared me to
him.

Finally he decided to talk to me, inquiring after the reason of my sorrow.
The man was so preposterous that I managed a smile when I answered, That's
because so far you have always neglected to invite me. His face lit up
with delight. He refused to let go of me and I started to regret that I had
bothered to talk to him in the first place.

He introduced me to his wife. She pretended to be very demure and
disinterested but the occasional glances she threw at her husband indicated
that she was highly satisfied. Now and then she would lean toward me and,
as if unintentionally, she would afford me a look into her low-cut gown,
showing me her finely veined milk-white breasts and deeper, all the way
down to her navel and below. I was assured that, aside from her blue silken
gown, all she wore was silk stockings.

When she got up out of her club fauteuil, I noticed, not without
displeasure, that she had beautiful flaring and inviting hips, a
marvelously modeled behind and promisingly well-shaped thighs. At first I
was surprised that I noticed such a thing and then my surprise turned into
sadness because, after all, I had traveled Paris and Madrid without paying
any attention at all to the many beautiful women that live there.

But my serious mood did not last long. That idiot husband of hers made me
laugh with his overzealousness. I got the distinct impression that he
wanted to force his wife upon me! I finally accepted his invitation to a
small and intimate supper, as he called it. It took place in one of the
large rooms of the suite in which the couple lived. To my surprise I was
the only guest and I could not help but make a remark about that. The man
answered, and when he spoke he poked me in the shoulder blades, But most
people are so boring, no youth!

I had to disagree. I remembered the names of several young people with
whom I had exchanged some conversation.

They are very nice and sociable people, I said.

The man smiled mysteriously.

Yes, yes, you are right  sociable; you know, but people, just plain
people! One wouldn't want to socialize with them  it's like you said,
nice, but, you know, their conversation is so, so  dull. Like I said,
their words are so, so artificial; everything they say is so, ahem,
well-dressed!

At that moment his wife entered the room. She wore a simple black dress.
Come to think of it, I don't know whether one could call it a dress. It
looked as if she had wound a few yards of soft black silk around her naked
body, starting under her arm pits. Her neck, shoulders and arms were bare,
her white skin contrasted sharply with the gown and her reddish-blonde hair
accentuated it even more. One thing was sure: this woman looked gorgeous!

She must have noticed the admiration in my eyes. Bending her upper body
slightly backwards, she proffered her hand. Her husband, enraptured,
reached for it and pressed his slightly heavy lips upon her fingers,
showing no intention to let go of her hand. She jerked it away from him,
turned toward me and said with a smile, Ah, he is so  so ! But, why
don't we sit down?

She threw herself upon one of the low couches, behind which a huge mirror
stretched all the way to the ceiling.

Don't you prefer to sit next to me?

Madame suddenly did not appear as reticent and honorable as she had been
downstairs.

You are not from northern Germany by any chance?

I am an Austrian, my dear lady.

One can see that immediately. You are so nice and have so much natural
charm. Those other gentlemen in the hotel ach  Berlin! Leipzig! And those
two young ruffians  those Americans! You know 

She held out one hand and allowed her husband to hand her a smoker's tray.
She took a cigarette, put it in her mouth and then offered one to me and
one to her husband. While doing this, her arms and my face came
suspiciously close together. You are still very young, or is it impossible
to seduce you? she asked smilingly.

Isn't she marvelous? exclaimed the man.

The behavior of this woman had made me bold enough to answer, Dear lady,
it would be a pleasure to be seduced by you.

The tottering husband applauded, Hurrah for Austria! What do you say,
Syddi, wasn't I a good boy?

She reached him her hand so he could kiss it.

The lady wanted to talk about the Americans?

Oh yes, well I  now look at that. If I don't watch out, this horrible
man would stick my whole hand into his mouth! 

She withdrew her hand and dried it on her thigh.

Oh yes, one of them, the blond one, what's his name? Jenkinson, right?
she turned to her husband, Jenkinson. Now, listen to this, he says to me,
'Madame, you are very beautiful  I would like to give you a check every
month!' 

Just think of it, interrupted her blockhead husband, that's what he
said, right in front of me, too!

Of course, we just laughed at him. He could not take that and he left.
Before champagne had been served!

I must admit that the entire conversation made me feel slightly ill, and
if it had not been for the beautiful body of this mysterious woman, I would
have left the room before these people would laugh at me like they did at
poor Mister Jenkinson. But my curiosity was great enough to keep me there.
What was going to happen next? The door to the adjoining room opened and a
very young manservant announced that dinner was served.

Don't you want to offer me your arm? asked the lady.

A slight shiver ran up and down my spine. It seemed that she had a special
ability to detect this because she looked up at me with a passionate gleam
in her eyes, pressing her bosom against my arm at the same time. I sat next
to her during dinner and her blockhead husband was sitting opposite us. Now
and then I noticed her leg pressing against mine and some of her warmth
rubbed off on me. Besides, I was still very curious. And when she poured me
a glass of wine, she did it in such a way that I had an extremely good view
of the hairs in her armpit. When she did that it is possible that some
ardor was shining in my eyes, because she turned rather abruptly toward me,
handing me my glass and now I could freely look under both!

See, isn't she beautiful when she raises her arms! was her husband's
exclamation.

I would have loved to go for his throat, but she pushed me with her
well-rounded shoulder and laughed, Oh that man! But he is sort of nice,
don't you agree?

After we had finished our supper, the man left the room for a moment. She
grabbed my hand and said, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking,
'Thank God, he has left!' But you are doing him a great injustice. He can
stay here and watch. It should be no reason for us to be ashamed.

I just stared at her and couldn't think of anything to say. She thought it
was very funny 

If you are an Austrian, then you must have met lots of women?

Is that so obvious?

Oh, I am sure. One can talk about everything with Austrians, and it is
not necessary to pretend!

She suddenly got up, quickly pressed her upper arms against my lips and
went into the room where we had sat before. She stretched out on the sofa
and said, Quickly, come here and sit down next to me!

I noticed that one of her thin shoulder straps had loosened itself somehow
and that now her bosom seemed even fuller and peeked through her gown.

My husband is only going to get some more champagne. Ah, I am so giddy, I
just love it, I am ready to do about anything.

She laughed out loud and stretched her arms. At the same time she smiled
very invitingly at me. I was beginning to get slightly horny; the quiet
life I had led for the past several weeks became noticeable. And, oh, those
little blonde hairs in her armpits! She noticed that I had no desire to
talk. She looked at me penetratingly and called out, Well, why don't you
come over here!

She took my arms and pulled me down toward her, suddenly my face was
buried in her shoulder. She put her arms around me.

I wish that we could have some fun! she said. My dear husband likes
some fun, too, but all these young people are so terribly dumb.

Why don't you kiss me? Please, kiss me. I give you my full permission.

She pulled up her knee and I could feel it press against my back.

But what if your husband comes back?

Well, so what?

Without loosening her hold on me she raised her upper body and called out,
Hugo! The champagne, please!

The next moment, the old man walked in from the other room with an ice
bucket and when he saw us in this compromising situation he exclaimed
happily, Ah!

I wanted to get up quickly but she did not let go of me, on the contrary,
she pulled me closer toward her and kissed me passionately.

Meanwhile the old nut had filled three glasses and happily exclaimed,
Finally, finally, a nice cozy evening!

She held out one hand and received one glass of champagne. She handed that
to me and reached out for a second one for her.

Children, now we shall drink!

She first toasted with me and then with her husband. I suddenly had a
splendid idea. I took a sip out of my glass, pulled her black silken gown a
little bit lower and emptied the contents into her cleavage. She laughed
and her husband veritably howled with pleasure, Oh, those funny
Austrians!

I can't stay this way, I am drenched, The beautiful woman wiggled and
wound as if she were a bacchante.

No, she can't stay that way, seconded her husband.

She fingered around with her gown, made me hold one end of it, spun around
like a top and suddenly she stood before me wearing nothing but black
silken stockings!

Her husband screamed with delight and waved his champagne glass as if he
were a drunken satyr. He threw off his tail coat and opened his fly. The
nude woman, however, threw herself upon me, embracing me firmly. Her
husband left quickly to get us another bottle.

Drink, drink! he hollered and filled the glasses again.

The nude woman reached for her head, loosened some pins and then she shook
and her golden-blonde hair cascaded down her naked shoulders.

But it is much too warm here, cried the satyr, and he tried to take off
my vest. I tried to avoid him. But he tore off his own shirt now, exposing
his body, covered with gray curly hairs. Then I felt the beautiful woman.

Don't be a spoilsport. Take off your clothes; you haven't even looked at
me. But she sounded happy and her laughter rang like a clear bell.

And the next moment she posed in front of me, stretching and moving her
body in the most alluring and seductive positions. Then she laid down upon
the carpet, opened up her thighs and stretched with her beautiful fingers
the lips of her private parts.

Look, children, isn't that beautiful!

Her husband crouched in an easy chair, his hot eyes staring at his wife,
his lower jaw slack, drooling like a horny ape, one hand fingering his limp
member. She had meanwhile, crawling on all fours, sneaked up to me and
tried to render me helpless by tickling the back of my knees. I buckled for
just a moment, closing my eyes and before I knew what was happening I was
stretched backwards upon the carpet and she had opened my trousers quick as
lightning and lifted my shirt. A joyful outcry followed, Oh, Hugo, look
how beautiful!

Her fingers caressed and played around with my member. I was lost. I
turned, my eyes saw a frenzied raging woman, her face and expression were a
demand for passion and lust. She let herself fall backwards, opening up
invitingly and then she kept staring at me. I threw myself upon her as if I
were a hungry predator. We rolled around on the carpet like maniacs. Near
me I heard a barely suppressed screaming. The woman under me groaned,
moaned and laughed, her body bucked convulsively 

Finally I woke up out of this wild, wild dream. The woman did not want to
let me go and she clamped her legs around me, pushing up toward me, keeping
me captive within her, when suddenly she relaxed and let out a never
ending, Aaaah!

I was lying down next to her, trying to hide my face. I was ashamed and
disgusted and if someone had come in and killed me, I would have been
grateful. The conversation between the couple jarred me back to reality,
but it also increased my disgust.

Hugo, what did you think of that? Hugo, bring us some more champagne!
Hugo!

I arose. And then I saw this horrible old man, standing there, fully nude,
except for the trousers that were hanging around his feet, jumping up and
down while feverishly pulling his limp member with both hands.

Marvelous, marvelous, he kept calling the same word over and over again.
He skipped toward the ice bucket, lifted the bottle out of it and sat down
upon the cubes, starting to groan the moment he sat down as if he suddenly
had an erection. His wife went over to him, kneeled in front and proffered
her buttocks. Quick, quick and it was over, she grabbed the bottle, poured
a glass and emptied it in one draught. She filled another one, looked up
and saw that I was putting on my clothes. Infuriated, she got up and jumped
at me, but, because I sidestepped her, she fell to the floor.

What are you going to do? she cried out.

I did not answer anything else but, Out! and turned away from her.

No, no, you cannot do that, I won't let you, she said as if she were a
pouting child. And then she started to flatter me and, sidling up to me,
she whispered, My poor husband does not make you feel ashamed, does he? It
is his only pleasure. All he wants to do is look at us, and isn't it far
more exciting when somebody is looking at you!

The poor wretch had gotten up out of his ice bucket and, though barely
covered, he walked over to me and begged me to stay. Possibly he meant well
when he said, Ah, it is always so much nicer and different when a real
gentleman does it instead of the servants. After all, a valet only does his
duty!

You stupid ass! screamed the woman.

That did it. Madame did not even try to keep me with her. She threw
herself face down upon the sofa and pouted. I had gone into the other room
and waited there till the blockhead husband came in to let me out of their
apartment through a side exit. Once I was outside a shiver of disgust ran
through me and I fled toward the street from whence I walked over to the
hotel lobby. There I met the young servant of the fabulous couple. At first
he looked at me in surprise, but then a sly smile curled around his lips
when he noticed that I started to blush. I wanted to walk past him quickly
but he walked up to me as if he had an important message.

Sir, if you want me, I will gladly walk up to your room with you. I am
game for anything you might desire.

Did I understand correctly? I looked at the boy; he was blond, very young,
well-built and his face was good looking and clean. He misinterpreted my 
staring at him because he said, Room 8, Sir?

I hastily answered, No, thank you. And I virtually ran up the stairs to
my room.

I could not rid myself of the feeling that I had dirtied the memory of
Marie. I surely would have found my way back into life and loving and
consorting with women. But did it have to be this way, through the dirt?
And the suggestion of the young servant had really topped it all! I was sad
and melancholy when I walked up and down in my room. I now stood in front
of the large middle window, looking out over the gigantic snow-covered
mountains, shimmering in the light of the full moon.

I felt cold and I shivered.

Why couldn't I forget about the young man who had said that he was game
for anything I might desire  anything! I imagined how he would behave
together with me and the beautiful woman with her old billy goat husband. I
visualized his body, tender yet muscular and very will built. Nude, next to
the woman, upon her, under her, squirming on the carpet with her and the
old horny bastard coming closer and closer, open mouthed and slack-jawed,
drooling and with hot hands groping for the young man's well-rounded
buttocks.

A hot desire painfully welled up in me and I tried to tell myself that my
previous experiences would only make it natural that from now on I would
never touch a woman again. I tried to convince myself that, because of the
almost sacred memory of Marie, I was obliged to turn away from females. I
suddenly had to think of my beautiful friend at the boarding school and I
wracked my brain to make the memory more vivid.

I had become incredibly excited. If the young servant would have entered
the room at that moment, I believe that I would have torn the clothes off
his body and covered his naked flesh with passionate kisses. I would have
implored him to teach me the delights of male relationships. I stared at
the door, listened. No, he did not show up. And I was so unspeakably
excited, unable to resist the demands of my body. I opened my trousers, my
hand crawled toward my own naked flesh, touched and felt and the hand
became more bold and insidious, it pulled out my member and the fingers
started to play the game of love they used to play so long ago.

But then I stamped my feet, and shook my head. A horror for myself took
hold of me  no! I'd rather have the first best whore off the streets  or
 and again, like a secret missive, the other desire slipped back into my
mind  or the young manservant. I left my room, just to run away from
myself. I had not even turned on the light. I noticed, not without 
dissatisfaction, that my excitement had certain consequences, and I
suddenly realized that my encounter with this Swedish nymphomaniac had not
even been enough for me! I returned to my room, switched on the light, and
rang for room service. When the maid entered I asked her if it was not too
late to draw me a tub of water for a bath.

No, Sir.

Fine, then I would like to take a bath.

The girl hesitated before asking, For one person  or ?

I looked at the girl. She was of medium size, rather full-breasted and
with wide hips; her nice, sun darkened face was framed by long dark curls
and she had dark eyes. Without meaning anything else but a jovial remark, I
answered, Unless you want to take a bath with me.

Not a bath, Sir, but I will stay with you if you want me to.

Now it was my turn to stare at her. And my passionate desires returned. I
told myself very clearly: Girl or boy, as long as it is not my own hand.

If the gentleman is willing to wait about fifteen minutes. I will have
his bath prepared and  it won't be so difficult for me to enter his
bathroom at such an unusual time.

When she said that she bowed her head slightly, bit her lower lip and
waited a while before she said, It is to the right, at the end of the
corridor, Sir. And she did not move, as if expecting at least some kind of
advances to be made by me. However, when I kept staring at her in utter
amazement, she bowed slightly and disappeared.

What sort of a ridiculous day was it today, anyhow? Had everything and
everybody gotten together in order to whip my senses? I let myself fall
upon the couch and lit a cigarette. After I had tried to gather my thoughts
for about ten minutes I got up again to walk over to the bathroom. I had
not been able to gather my thoughts coherently, neither while I was resting
on the couch nor on my way through the corridor toward my bath. There was
only a certain feeling of apprehension, only a feeling of curiosity: Now
what is going to happen, and what are you going to do about it?

When I entered the bathroom, the water was still running from the pipes
into the white-tiled tub and a woman was dipping a thermometer into the
water to check the temperature. She turned her head and asked, Seventyfive, or more?

Warm, I answered curtly.

She left me alone and I started to undress in front of the large mirror
that was built into the wall. It had not happened since I had had my affair
with Rita, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, standing there in the
nude, I stretched my arms over my head, pressed my cheek against my right
shoulder and watched my organ slowly swell and stiffen and finally erect
itself. And a hot passionate desire took hold of me. I tiptoed to the door
and listened. Was she about to show up? Why did she let me wait so long?
She had to show up! I put on a robe and opened the door slightly. Then I
heard a slight sound coming from the opposite door as if the little spyhole
in it had just been closed. The next moment that door opened and a person,
covered with a large bathrobe just like me, quickly walked over to me. The
chambermaid. She quickly closed the door behind us and bolted it.

Well, she said and remained standing where she was.

I looked at her. She put down a purse and then she stepped slowly out of
her robe. Standing in front of me, wearing only a very tight-fitting
low-cut swimsuit with very short, short skirt, she lifted her arms high
above her head and slowly turned around to grant me a good look at her. Her
upper body was slightly bent and I could see her huge but nevertheless
well-formed breasts. She asked, Are you undressed?

She seemed to take it for granted that one was supposed to be without
clothes on in her presence. But this woman had something that was very
distinctive, her voice was pleasant and I was not at all offended by her
question. Not even when she asked me, Do you want to get into the tub, or
do you want to lie down upon the couch right now?

I could feel my excitement increase. I just stood there, my arms hanging
down the sides and I pulled in my stomach. My bathrobe came off and fell on
the throwrugs that covered the tile floor of the bathroom and I just stood
there, stark-naked. I heard her surprised exclamation and noticed how a
delighted shiver ran through her body. Her voice was noticeably friendlier
when she asked me to please make myself comfortable on the couch.

She threw her robe on the couch.

Like this?

And I stretched out on the couch. While doing so I wanted to grab her
beautiful large breasts but she avoided me and sighed, Please, don't.

She reached for the leather purse and took a sponge out of it which she
dipped into the tub.

The water is very warm, she said, bending over me, sprinkling my pubic
hair and moistening my member with the sponge. She turned around and opened
her leather purse again. I was looking at her backside and admiring the
white, absolutely hairless legs and calves, and the gorgeous globes of her
behind. I involuntarily spread out my arms and exclaimed, Please, hurry
up!

And she did  she started to rub my pubic hairs and my organ with a
perfumed soap. At first very quickly to create enough foam and then slowly,
incredibly softly and excitingly. I started to groan, I bucked, but her
fingers did not stop. To increase the excitement and to postpone a possible
climax she would occasionally stop to tickle my belly and my chest, but she
always returned to my member. She smiled at me, bit her lower lip and
continually mumbled things like, You have a beautiful body or Actually,
I don't like a man's body, but yours 

Sometimes she stopped completely and leaned back voluptuously. Her eyes
would become large and shining. At one point it seemed as if she was about
to take off her bathing costume, but she only slipped down one
shoulderstrap and let one large breast hang free. I begged her to put it
against my face but she shook her head and started to bite her lips again.
However, she kept on soaping furiously and finally my excitement gave way
to a furious release and with a sigh I let my head loll to one side. But
she kept my member firmly in both hands and I could feel her tremble.
Suddenly she let go of it and slipped back into her tricot suit, her breast
was no longer visible. She jumped up and I could see that her face was
quite distorted while she was shaking her head wildly.

Come here, to me! I called out, sitting up. But she backed up against
the mirror that was built into the wall and kept staring at me. Her way of
having sex with me had excited rather than satisfied me, so I jumped up and
wanted to throw myself upon her. But she held up her hands pleadingly and
said in an almost panting voice, Oh, please, no  no man has ever
possessed me  please get into the tub. But I had already taken her hands
in mine, intending to pull her toward me, when I caught the rather painful
expression in her eyes. I stepped back without taking my eyes off her. She
threw the sponge into the tub, quickly grabbed her robe and covered
herself. What are you doing? I exclaimed. She wiped a few strands of hair
away from her forehead and said, I thank you, Sir, now I feel fine again,
 she smiled, I don't think it has ever been as difficult as it was
today.

I hurried washing and cleaning myself, slipped into my bathrobe and sat
down next to the girl on the couch. My physical excitement was gone and I
only wanted to know about the meaning of this all, especially her almost 
inhuman resistance. She moved away from me, then she stood up and walked
toward the door.

Do you want to leave me now? Please stay with me  I promise that I won't
bother you, Miss  And while I was talking to her I wondered why I
suddenly had become so respectful toward her. But when I noticed that this
girl, who had just committed such a licentious act upon me, started to
blush, I got up and politely asked her to sit down.

There is nothing to be worried about  I promise not to try and keep you
here if you want to leave, I said, beginning to get the uncomfortable
feeling that I had just attacked a respectable woman whom I had now to ask
for forgiveness, But before you do  I implore you  please explain to me


She looked at me for a long time and her eyes were terribly sad, then she
shook her head slowly.

Please, Sir, let me go without an explanation.

But I kept insisting, I flattered her, and finally she was unable to
resist. But she did not want to talk here.

Please, do get dressed first I have to put my clothes on too, because
somebody may ring for me  and when you are in your room, all you have to
do is to call room service.

Without answering I pulled the bolt on the door, looked out to see that
nobody was there, and I let the girl walk out. The next moment she had
disappeared behind the opposite door.

About a half-hour later she was standing in front of me, wearing a black
tafetta dress, a white apron and little starched cap.

I should have known that you would not have wanted my  particular
service, she said, till now it had only been old men who called for me. I
strongly believe that one recommends me to another  they never hesitate to
say what they expect me to do  it is sometimes very difficult for me to
hide my disgust.

But, why then 

Nobody has ever asked that question. Why does it have to be you, Sir?

Maybe only because I am young, and because I feel sorry for you.

She pressed her fists against her eyes.

And because I do not understand how a woman like you can resist so much.
You are not an iceberg.

Fortunately it has never been difficult for me to resist.

And today ?

She gave me a hungry look and then she pressed her arms close to her body.

I don't want to talk about it any longer. I had to force myself to
remember why I started this wretched trade.

The goal?

She suddenly tensed and asked, And can you tell me any decent way that a
woman can make money, much more money than just the little amount she needs
to scrape by. You can believe me when I tell you that I have tried. Night
after night I worked on embroidery and I made the most beautiful things
that sold very well. Fine, but when a year has passed, how much money is
left? No, no, there is no work that pays enough. Oh, sure, one may become
the mistress of some rich man; I could have been so lucky, she added
bitterly.

Out in the corridor the bell had been ringing several times and she did
not seem to notice it. But now the shrill tone seemed to penetrate.

Somebody is calling me  do you really want to hear the rest of the
story?

She did not wait for my answer and hurried out of the room. Once I was
alone I paced up and down my room like a caged animal. I was completely
confused. And I could barely expect her to return. When I thought I had
waited too long, I pressed the bell button, and a few minutes later she
reappeared.

I hope we will never meet again, dear Sir  I had a good position in an
office in Vienna. My salary  maybe you know how little a job like that
pays; but my boss, a man between sixty and seventy, devoured me with his
eyes every time I came close to him. I thought I could use that when I went
to ask him for a raise. I explained my miserable living conditions to him.

'Oh, but you could earn much more, my dear child,' he said to me. I was
very upset, but he laughed. Oh, no, he was not lusting after my body, he
assured me, what was he supposed to do with a young body that most likely 
would be insatiable. And he explained to me what I had to do, and for each
single one of my shameful services he would give me half my present wages.
That was how I made my money  without having to surrender my body.

Only to make more money? I asked, amazed.

She just looked at me, and did not answer my question.

One day that man suddenly died, just after I had left him. I shuddered
when I thought that he could have died just as easily under my hands. And
believe you me, every time one of those dotards requires my service, I am
trembling with fear. It seemed as if she were fighting a shiver of disgust
before she went on, I left Vienna soon thereafter and found a position in
a distinguished small hotel, because I assumed that the tips during the
season would be more than the wages of working for two years in an office.
An expression of incredible harshness clouded her face when she continued,
And I was not at all disappointed. One of the guests in the hotel happened
to be a friend of my late Viennese employer and, as I soon found out, he
knew all about our arrangement. She paused. And that is how I acquired,
wherever I went, a circle of regular clients, making a small fortune during
the past three years.

And you have kept your body unspoiled and I know you are very happy, I
jeered.

She winced and turned toward the door.

Money, money, money! That's all you women ever think about, and you're
willing to do anything to get it. You would even remain an untouched
virgin, if you could make enough money out of it!

She wanted to leave. At the door she turned once more toward me, But what
do you think of it when someone who has a trade like mine wants to buy her
life's happiness that way?

Independence with the money?

And possibly more, she said bitterly, possibly  love?

I came toward her and wanted to grab her hand, but she backed away.

How could you understand  how could I expect that any man would
understand?

Is it because you are in love with a man ?

At that moment this woman seemed so great and admirable to me, as I had
never known any woman before to be. My feeling about her must have shown on
my face, because she reached me her hand, Believe me, Sir, I am flesh and
blood, and once it was very difficult for me to resist, despite my love for
the one I am trying to win  and that was today  after all, I am but a
woman.

This confession, in all its simplicity, yes I must use the word I hate so
much, in all its chastity, shattered me completely. I brought the girl's
hands to my lips. The next moment I felt her arm around my neck and a kiss
was placed upon my forehead. And then I was alone.

Can this be understood. Yes, yes, by all the devils who dish out our
minimum amount of happiness which God would deny us if He could, I can
understand it. And I swear by everything that is human in me, and hence
good, it is permissible to do it! I would adore any woman who would do such
a thing, or a similar one, for me forever and ever, I would even allow her
to put her feet upon my neck.

But the history of the chambermaid from the hotel in Switzerland has an
ending, too. Or rather, it has one for me. And even though I must interrupt
the chronology, here it is.

Two years after the experience I just wrote about I happened to meet her
again. After a long absence I had arrived for a short visit to my
birthplace, and I must admit that I wouldn't even want to stay there as a
dead body out of fear that my many relatives would get the idea to visit my
grave on All Soul's Day with fake mourning and adorn my grave with flowers
to show hypocritically that they had forgiven me my missteps, while
actually their entire morality consists of one simple fact: their balls
have no strength. But anyway, I was visiting my birthplace and suddenly
recognized the girl as one of the salesladies in a glove shop in which I
had wandered to buy a pair of gloves. She recognized me immediately and she
was afraid that I would give signs of recognition while we were not alone
in the shop.

When the few clients had left, she looked up at me and offered her hand.
And at that moment I remembered her. I did not open my mouth, but my eyes
asked the question. And she told me in her simple and forthright manner
which had made such a great and shattering impression upon me two years
ago. It is terrible! Is the devil not even strong enough to protect his
handiwork against that which so-called well-educated moralists prefer to
call the wrath of God? This woman had practiced a well-paid profession (she
had not even invented it, because I heard about one who was called la bette
Savonaise, the beautiful soaping woman, who at the time of the Concodat
satisfied the lusts of the diplomats and cardinals alike with foaming 
soap), and she had within a few years made enough money to deposit a bond
so that she could get married to a certain young officer with whom she was
deeply in love. Even though she had been poor, she did not want to become
his mistress and she had worked hard to earn the money she needed to become
an officer's wife. Her love for this man had been so strong that she had
hesitated to run the risk of becoming a victim of her own passions. And
away from her homeland, in strange hotels, she had set out to make money by
satisfying the passions of strangers while keeping her own body pure.

Though her innate disgust for her profession proved to be a good
companion, it often happened that the woman within her awakened and she not
only longed to give but also ached to receive. Nevertheless, she never gave
in to that desire. And, finally, the day arrived when she had achieved her
goal. She forthwith traveled to the garrison where her groom was stationed
and deposited the money required for the bond. She did not tell him where
the money came from, and he believed her story that it was from an
inheritance. These two people lived for one day in a dreamworld of absolute
happiness. The abstinence she had been forced to practice for three full
years gave way to one enormous frenzy of the senses during that night. She
had given herself to that man in the full knowledge and security that she
was his.

The next day she found her officer in his room with his brains blown out;
in his extreme happiness and after a full night and day of cavorting, he
had gone into the officer's casino to gamble a little bit. He had lost
control of the situation and gambled away her entire dowry. That had been a
year ago, and now she was a saleslady in this glove shop of my hometown.
And she had become respectable. She had become pregnant but she did not
want to give birth to the child. She told this to me, visibly shaken, but
without passion and without the pretense of suffering.

We shook hands quietly and I left. I have never seen her since, but that
may be because I went out into the world again soon thereafter. But doesn't
it sound to you as if the devil had lost all sense of humor?

After this entire day of incredible experiences, I had no desire to remain
in that hotel any longer. Especially when I found out that the Swedish
redhead and her tottering husband had left the hotel as if in flight, I
decided that I, too, had no desire to remain. I went to Zurich.

Chapter Five. I TAKE A MISTRESS, RENEW AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND FIND SUCCESS

I had arrived in Zurich and found myself with nothing to do. Out of sheer
boredom I decided to become an author. I wrote  truth and fantasy 
skillfully mixed together  a novel about my mother. And I was quite
successful because its appearance in my homeland was greeted with a book
burning and its further publication was forbidden.

While I was writing my novel I became acquainted with a very nice lady,
the wife of a public official. She was suffering terribly from both moral
restrictions and her husband's inability. When I met her, she had just
bidden farewell to her last lover. She admitted that quite calmly and when
I asked her, When will you say good-bye to me? she answered with a sweet
smile, How do I know now what I will feel for you tomorrow?

I liked that answer and she became my mistress. I must admit, to do her
full justice, that she was the most accommodating mistress I have ever had.
Every morning between nine and ten she visited me at my apartment.
Fortunately, it was easy for her to come and see me without fear of
detection, and moreover I had given her a key to the front door. Usually I
was still in bed that early in the morning and I had grown accustomed to
waiting for the moment when she would peek around the door to my bedroom
with her poodle hairdo and call out, I am not here to say good-bye to
you!

Whenever she was later a certain uneasiness would well up in me  she has
given me her silent farewell. I was neither very sad nor truly upset when
this thought would occur to me. One of these days she will stay away and I
will have to go out and look for another one. I am sure there are women
enough who are available for a little changing of partners. After all, they
love to do it.

And then, when she showed up after all, everything would be fine. She had
the habit of lifting her skirt and petticoat the moment she entered the
room and, since it was easier for her not to wear any other undergarments
at all, I was afforded a good look at her firm thighs and a small portion
of her belly. She then undulated toward my bed and, as first part of the
ritual, I had to kiss her mound of shame.

She would then undress as quickly as a little monkey and the real kissing
would get underway. First the mouth, which lasted for a long time,
thereupon eyes and throat. She would become very excited and by the time I
had reached her ears she would twitter like a little bird, try to escape me
and immediately turn her other ear toward my lips. Next her bosom. It was
very firm and small, A handful is enough, anything more is strictly for
the pigs, is a saying of my countrymen with which I do not entirely agree.
By the time I started to kiss the nipples of her breasts she would
completely relax and sink next to me on the bed; once I had reached her
inner thighs, her entire body would shudder and shake.

That is how it all usually was done. Sometimes she would lie down
immediately, especially after she had had an exceptionally exciting dream.
And when the sacrifice had been made she would invariably turn her little
round behind toward me and I had to give it a firm smack. You know, I
always pretend that my husband hits me, and then the whole affair is all
right.

I asked her once why she was unfaithful to her husband, if she suffered
every day again from pangs of conscience.

It has to be that way, she countered, because he comes to me every
Saturday and he says that that is enough  you know what happens at our
place on Saturdays? She laughed like an excited schoolgirl. Do you
believe that my husband has never seen me naked? And my body is surely
beautiful, but he has not once, not even in pitch dark, stretched out his
hands and touched it. Well, anyhow, on Saturdays we go to the theater and
afterwards we visit a restaurant. He orders half a bottle of red wine and
drinks it. His face will become more and more serious and he starts
pressing his knees together. That is a sure sign. I know he has not
forgotten that it is Saturday. And, after about a half-hour, he will say,
'Well!' That's all. Nothing else. And we leave.

On the way home we don't talk, probably because that would make his
desire disappear. Another fifteen minutes and we are in bed, in our pitch
dark bedroom and I hear him say again, 'Well!' Of course, sometimes it
takes a little longer before he utters this invitation, because sometimes
it takes him simply a little longer to get an erection. I have to giggle,
and I am on my back, tickling myself with my fingers. And then  put, put,
put  and he's ready and crawls, without even kissing me, back into his own
bed. And with the same regularity he tells me, 'The preventative is not
torn, but I think it is better when you take a douche. Good night!'

So you see, those are my nights of love  the Saturday nights. Oh, in the
beginning they were terrible, because I had nothing else and I would often
think that I would die out of sheer misery. I never became passionate till
after he was ready. So, I started out with my fingers and later on with a
candle. And later on, I became a little bit smarter. At a girl friend's
house I saw one of those rubber things.

She put it on, rubbed it with some oil and then  my God, was that ever an
experience. And then, when she became tired of it, I assumed the role of
the man. I went to see her as often as I could, but one Saturday I had
spent the entire afternoon with her till I was sore inside and out. I could
have done without my husband's put-put-put that night. But finally that
playing around with the rubber thing was no longer pleasant. It did not
give me the satisfaction I wanted. So I thought: To hell with all this 
so-called decency, and I took a lover. After all, the natural thing is
still the best, and I can't help myself, I have to have what I need.

And, I'm sure, that's what the little one has always had. Before me and
since me and, if she's still alive, which I fervently hope though she must
be a matron by now, for all I know she is still having it. She did not,
like Rita for instance, belong to the unsatiable ones, though she did have
one thing in common with Rita: her delight in her own nudity.

Once she told me happily: You know what? Tomorrow I can spend the entire
day with you. Be sure to have some cold cuts and candies, will you?

It must have sounded terribly ungrateful and coarse when I did not seem
enthusiastic at all by asking with surprise, All day?

She pouted a little. The poor thing had so much enjoyed the prospect. Her
husband had to go to some convention or other and she had already given the
maid a day's leave. I took her into my arms and said, But of course,
darling, don't be so disappointed, tomorrow you'll be with me all day and
I'll simply postpone my work till the day after tomorrow.

You mean you have to work?

I told her that at the moment I was working on a theatrical play. It was
my first play, by far my most outspoken one, but the only one which had not
been attacked by a howling mob of moralists, mainly because nobody had ever
produced it.

She embraced me, kissed me and clapped her hands like a little excited
girl. She was happy to find out that I had a profession, and especially the
one I had. I will stay with you, you will have to read passages to me and
you will also have to do some work on it. I want to be your muse! she
exclaimed while turning a pirouette. Doing that, she had excited me so
greatly that I did not want her to go yet. But she was very firm about it
and said, No, not today  tomorrow!

And she walked away.

The next day was more than just charming. She arrived at her regular time
and was very carefully dressed. I was still in bed, waiting for her, as
usual. But this time she did not lift her skirt when she closed the door
and she also did not undulate up to the bed. Instead she exclaimed happily,
Mister poet, why don't you get up and wash your face while I fix your
breakfast in the other room!

She hurried over to me, gave me a quick kiss and whispered in my ear, But
you don't have to put your clothes on.

And she disappeared.

When I walked into the adjoining room, I noticed that the curtains were
drawn and the lights on. The table was set and next to it, on its iron
stand, stood the samovar. Only I did not see my little one. Suddenly she
called out, Peek-a-boo! Her poodle hairdo came from under the table and
the next moment she was in my arms, as naked as I was. I was extremely
passionate but she did not want it yet.

First our breakfast!

She pressed herself against me, her body quivered with desire  I tried to
master her, but she tore herself loose and started to pour tea.

First our tea, that will make us even hotter! she said, panting heavily.

Breakfast did not take long, what followed took considerably longer. She
had hauled all the heavy feather blankets and pillows out of the bedroom
and we threw ourselves upon them. We did not leave much time for kissing,
but that day, for the first time since Marie, I found woman again.

And then my little one said, So, and now you are going to read to me,
aren't you?

She nestled herself, nude as she was, in one of the easy chairs and I had
to sit down on one of the stools, and read to her from my manuscript. She
experienced so vividly what I was reading to her that her thighs became
rather moist and now and then she would dip a finger in her little
triangle. It made a deep impression upon me. I kissed her fingers, her lips
and her little triangle, but she pooh-poohed me and said, What are you
doing, lips are for being kissed, down below is reserved for something else
 please, read on.

And, really, she allowed me to conquer her again only after I had finished
reading.

Then we ate the nice things that I had bought the previous afternoon and
took with our lips the morsels from one another's mouth. She did not allow
me any other extravaganzas, even though I would have been capable of almost
anything now that my usual vigor and desire had fully returned. She really
was only a very unspoiled and naturally sensitive woman. We rolled around
once more on the feather blankets and then we fell asleep, holding each
other closely, our lips welded together.

She insisted that I should work in the afternoon. She sat down upon my
desk, wholly nude, spread her legs apart, giving me a beautiful view of her
love-nest. My manuscript was between her thighs and I managed to write a
full scene that way. There were, indeed, a few interruptions. I kissed her
thighs, her belly or I took her poodle head between my hands and let my
tongue explore her mouth. Once there was a larger interruption which made
her very, very happy because it lasts longer when you do it for the third
or fourth time, as she naively put it.

She made me laugh when she was ready to leave. She was such a true
housewife, because she carefully put my entire home in order. And she
kissed the sheets while she was making my bed, Whoever could stay with you
in them forever  she whispered and I noticed that her eyes became moist.
But she straightened herself and managed a smile. Don't pay any attention
to me. Whenever I have as much as I had today, I become very sentimental.
She fondled and caressed me, softly, the way a mother caresses her baby.
She suddenly stopped and looked at me very seriously.

Do you know what suddenly occurs to me? The way it was today must be the
last time.

What do you mean?

Are you going to be sad?

About what?

Now, look  more beautiful than beautiful is impossible, right? The best
that could happen to us is that a day like today would repeat itself. As
long as you have never reached the top there is always the expectation. One
waits for the big day like I have waited for this one. But now it is over


And now you believe you have to look for new expectations  in the arms
of someone else?

She embraced me and the poodle hairdo was against my chest, her eyes
looking up at me. You will make many girls happy. Anyhow, we have
possessed each other!

She went toward the door, turned around and impishly winked at me to come
closer. But her words had upset me and I hesitated. She looked very
surprised and said, Do you want me once more? starting to unbutton her
white silken blouse.

I shook my head. Now it was her turn to be surprised and she ran out of 
the apartment.

The next morning, when I awoke, my little one was sitting at the edge of
my bed, naked as a jaybird. I had not heard her come into the apartment,
and I also did not wake up while she was taking off her clothes in my
bedroom. She threw herself upon me and kissed like a maniac. After about an
hour she quickly dressed and left.

At the breakfast table which she, as usual, had set, I found the key to my
rooms and a handwritten note:

You spurned me yesterday and I could not stand the idea. But in the
meantime I have betrayed you, too. Last night. I was so passionate, I had
to do it.

You won't be alone for long, about that I am sure. Just look for someone
who is as pretty as I am. And especially, look for someone who is healthy.
By the way, you don't have to worry, the one I had last night was
definitely healthy, too.

That was the end of the affair.

I cannot honestly say that I was deeply hurt, but it had been a very
pleasant habit. It used to be so nice to wake up every morning and have the
little one at my side. And it was rather handy, too. Really, I was thinking
all morning about how I was going to do it from now on.

I started my little walks again, something which had not happened for
quite some time. In the afternoon I made a mistake, walked into the wrong
restaurant and had such a miserable meal that I made up my mind immediately
to leave Switzerland.

Since I had no other visits scheduled than a call on my first publisher, I
could make all travel arrangements very quickly. While I was doing this I
had to admit to myself that every time an affair with some woman was ended,
I packed up bag and baggage and left. Actually I think it is quite normal.
Not because a trip soothes the pain, but simply because a change of towns
makes it less possible to run into a former mistress with all the resultant
little embarrassments. This slight feeling of embarrassment has really
never left me, though it is not as strong as it used to be.

Anyhow, I went to Munich.

One of the first evenings in the new town, I was sitting in the Peterhof,
where a Viennese Ladies' Orchestra was giving a concert. The lady conductor
was a young girl, a blonde with rather angular movements and a pale face. 
The pianist was a stocky older man, obviously the slave owner of these
eight to ten girls. I saw that man for the first time that evening but I
hated him immediately. I started paying attention to him when I noticed
that he reproached one of the girls, a violin player, rather abruptly  it
was the first time I noticed her  by hissing at her, Flirting is all
these women can do; their music is plain shit.

And then I noticed that the girl was staring in my direction. She was
neither young nor especially beautiful, rather thin, but her breasts were
remarkably large. I knew at once that I had seen her before but could not
place her at all. She must have noticed that I was thinking deeply but she,
too, did not seem to trust her memory and she made no attempt at contacting
me. I went to the back of the hall and, calling one of the flower girls,
bought a handful of red roses, asking the girl to bring them to the violin
player with the message if we had not previously met somewhere. The flower
girl returned with the following message, I should only tell you Olga and
piano lessons, and she also mentioned the name of my home town.

But naturally! Now I remembered. My piano teacher Miss Olga who rewarded
my fingering the keys with her fingering me! And then she had to leave
suddenly because she had gotten ill or something. Without thinking that I
might cause her to be embarrassed, I walked toward the podium and shook
hands with her. The poor girl turned deep red but I noticed that she was
overjoyed. To appease the slave driver, I asked him to play Blue Danube and
put a gold piece on his piano. The man positively sniveled with servility.
I made a date with Olga to get together after the concert. I was rather
quiet when I returned to my table because meeting her caused a lot of
memories to come back to me which made me sort of sad, mainly because I
thought about how much I had experienced and how young I still was and Lord
knows how much I had yet to learn.

The flower girl walked up to my table and gave me the message that Miss
Olga would await me right after the concert, ready to leave whenever I
wanted, at the last table on the right. I really became excited and sort of
nervous; I was finally getting together with the girl who had made love to
me when I was still a little boy. I had to smile at the thought that I was
actually only acquainted with her hand. But I was also glad that I had an
adventure ahead of me without really having looked for one.

From where I sat I could easily see the table which the flower girl had
indicated. In her dark street clothes Olga looked even slimmer and more
large-bosomed than she did up on the stage. And her face really was no
longer not very pretty. Possibly it was because I happened to have reached
the stage where almost every woman turns into a Helen. But Olga was not
alone. She was with a girl that had a wonderful profile, smaller than her
and with a better figure. Definitely not a member of the musical team, 
because I would have noticed her instantly.

When I got up to walk over to their table, Olga arose also. She had
noticed me and walked rapidly toward me. Oh, my sweet little laddy, she
whispered when she took my hands, and we smiled knowingly at each other as
if the years between had never happened.

Do you want to go to the park?

Don't you want to go somewhere else? But you're not alone. I turned
toward the other girl who was a lot better looking. She had a very strange
but, at the same time, charmingly intriguing expression on her face.

My friend, Cathy, said Olga, does not like to go into the park because
all the gentlemen artists strolling around there walk up to her and don't
give her a moment's rest. She exchanged a quick glance with her girl
friend and said softly, Isn't she beautiful?

I had a very strange feeling which I could not put into words. It was odd
to meet my friend Olga after so many years, and especially at a moment when
I felt rather lonely, but nevertheless, the presence of another person was
not at all unwelcome. I had absolutely no objections against Cathy coming
along with us.

Out in the street I had one on my left and the other on my right side. We
walked toward a certain street which had a small but very renowned little
tavern. Exquisite and very expensive, said Cathy, looking at me as if
this disclosure might scare me off. But Olga immediately countered with
Oh, laddy, laddy, we've got it!

I would have loved to ask at that point what it was supposed to be they
had in mind. But I had the feeling that something special was about to
happen and I also darkly suspected that someone in the know would not have
asked such a question. And since I did not want to be taken for an
ignoramus, I decided to keep my mouth shut. The small, very renowned,
little, exquisite and very expensive tavern also was rather cheap and
common. A long corridor with cheap reproductions in even cheaper frames and
a lot of doors on either side. Obviously toward the separate chambers. A
Jewish waiter with a white towel around his waist, pretending to be
Viennese, asked with a leering smile what my pleasure would be. I did not
like his urgent confidence at all and was rather flustered till Olga
advised me to take three rooms. So, I took three rooms. The miserable
waiter grinned and said, You can have more, you can have 'em all  there
ain't nobody here!

The rooms looked as shabby as some of the front rooms in one of those 
streets in Vienna where the lowest females ply their trade and where I once
used to make a furtive visit or two.

I forced myself to be gay and happy, argued with the waiter who had
brought us the wine list and finally threw him out of the room. Olga
laughed. She embraced me and tried to make a whirl around the room with me.
Don't be jealous at him, she called out to her friend. He is my very own
sweet little laddy! It's because of him that I became pregnant, when he was
about eleven or twelve years old, right?  Oh, but of course, you couldn't
know about that. Jesus, I was always so damned excited after our piano
lessons that one day I couldn't stand it any longer and I went to bed with
my older brother. And, boom  it happened right then and there. She threw
off her jacket and lifted her remarkably large breasts with both hands,
And ever since, these have been pretty big. Remember, laddy, when you used
to press your face against them  always your little nose on my titties.

Cathy had taken a seat on the large sofa which stood in the corner of the
room and it seemed as if she did not notice us. But suddenly she asked,
Aren't I a little bit superfluous?

Olga walked over to her and took her face in both hands, Don't be silly,
she exclaimed laughingly. He does not take anything away from you. Aw,
come on, Cathy, be nice! And she took the girl by the ankles, threw her
quickly backwards upon the sofa. Then she leaned over the girl and kissed
Cathy till the girl started to groan. He won't take me away from you, she
repeated.

They separated quickly when someone knocked on the door. The waiter
brought in the ice bucket and a tray. He turned around just before he left
and said with a leering smirk, If you need any help, I recommend myself
highly. I could not even smile about this insolence. As a matter of fact,
I was rather out of whatever mood I had been in, completely. If I had not
been ashamed in front of the girls, I think I would have left. I noticed
that the two girl friends were in a heated whispering conversation and
Cathy seemed to disagree violently with something.

Oh, come on, you only live once, Olga exclaimed and poured herself a
full glass. Here we go  to you and you! She emptied the miserable
foaming wine in one gulp and turned around to me. Hurry, laddy, order two
more buckets before we get going and then the waiter won't have to disturb
us!

She rang herself. The waiter brought her order. Olga locked the doors to
the three rooms and when she walked up to me again, she had opened the
buttons of her blouse. She stretched out her arms and her breasts slowly
popped out of their imprisonment. Cathy stared at them as if hypnotized. 
Suddenly she jumped up and started to nibble on them furiously till Olga
groaned and cried out voluptuously. Both disrobed in no time and soon they
were only wearing their petticoats. Come here, laddy, Olga called to me.
Come on over here and look how sweet she is, and she lifted the other's
petticoat.

I must admit that those were the most beautiful legs and thighs I had ever
seen. Furiously, Cathy tried to cover them. She looked at me and a dark red
flooded her face.

Jesus, isn't she cute? Look at her, she's blushing, Olga cried. Then she
grabbed me and started to tug at my clothes, pulling off my jacket, and
whispering, It's getting too hot in here.

I told myself very clearly that, since I had gotten this far, I should not
be a spoilsport. I might as well take the dive, even if it were kneedeep
into the mud. I threw off my clothes. Since my affair with little
poodle-head in Switzerland I had learned to enjoy nudity and soon the three
of us threw off our last item of clothing. Olga cried out with sheer
pleasure. Cathy grabbed hold of her. But I embraced the two of them and led
them toward the sofa where I started to tickle them. I suddenly noticed to
my horror that Cathy had a member! She was a hermaphrodite with an enormous
tickler and she had an erection as if she had a penis.

Look, laddy, Olga groaned as she turned on her back, spreading her
thighs widely, making the poor old sofa creak and groan.

Cathy seemed totally oblivious to my presence. Her eyes were glazed, her
entire body quivered and she allowed Olga to tug and pull her till she was
positioned on top of Olga. It seemed as if she had lost all willpower. Olga
lifted up her enormous breasts toward Cathy's face. The girl let her face
fall down upon them. Suddenly, crying out so loud that I jumped, she
grabbed the large, rather welkin breasts with both hands, held on to them
and licked, bit and sucked them furiously. Judging by Olga's moans and
groans, it seemed that the hermaphrodite had succeeded in penetrating Olga
with her erect tickler. And, indeed, Cathy moved up and down like a man.

And you, you, Olga moaned at me, come, laddy, come.

And the other one's breath started to pant and cough, quicker and quicker
till she collapsed with a painful whimpering, without any strength left,
completely lifeless. Olga embraced her and caressed her and talked to her
as if she were a little baby.

Curious, and even today I cannot fully understand this sort of behavior.
At first I just looked as if the whole affair was none of my business, then
I had to stifle a completely involuntary laughing fit, and finally I
started to get sick. I was still sitting without moving in the creaky old
club chair when the two girls regained their composure and started all over
again to find their pleasure in each other. They kissed each other loudly
and finally one turned around on top of the other and they worked each
others private parts with their tongues. Without the girls noticing it, I
took my clothing and went into the other room, dressed quietly, put a
hundred-mark bill on the table and quietly opened the door, sneaking into
the narrow corridor with its horrible pictures. The miserable waiter had
been listening on the middle door to the groaning and moaning which again
was reaching a fever pitch. He raised an eyebrow but presented me with the
bill, which I quickly paid and a minute later was standing in the street,
breathing freely.

I felt as if I could never touch another woman again and not only did I
feel miserable at that moment but also for the next few hours and the
entire next day.

I gave up my intentions to stay in Munich for any prolonged period of
time. I decided to leave as soon as possible.

My few remaining days in Munich were spent mainly with avoiding beer halls
and pubs. I found a small hotel where I put the finishing touches on my
play. Occasionally I spent a few hours in an art gallery or I went to see a
church. The day before my departure from Munich I had a little experience
in Saint Peter's Church. I loved this monumental building and had already
been in it three times. That particular day I longed to see it once more
before I left Munich 

In passing the front door I had noticed a girl's head to my right, though
I really did not pay too much attention. The thought of female company
still did not give me any pleasure.

I went into the church and was soon completely under the spell of this
fabulous monument. I did not know whether anyone else besides me dwelled in
the House of the Lord, but about ten minutes after I had entered, the same
girl was standing next to me and it was obvious that she was trying to
attract my attention. It is possible that, absentmindedly, I looked at her
longer than one normally looks at another person, though I swear that my
gaze was quite unintentional. She asked, Did you go up in the choir loft
yet? There are stairs 

I was flabbergasted. If you want me to, I will show you the way  and if
you're nice, I'll show you much more, she added boldly, lifting her gray
skirts so high that I could see her stockings. The look on my face must
have registered utter surprise. There is nothing to be afraid of upstairs 
 nobody ever gets up there, and if you don't feel safe, we can always lock
the door. We can save ourselves the cost of a hotel room.

She went up the stairs to the choir loft and lifted her skirt so high that
I could see her thighs and her belly. Well, come on, what are you waiting
for! she called impatiently. I don't know what came over me at that
particular moment, but I walked over to her, quite calmly, and spat
squarely between her legs on her belly, turned around and quietly walked
out of the church, the whore whose femininity had been insulted belching
the meanest gutter-words from the choir.

I told myself that I had had enough. I said, as long as you can't find
anything decent, leave the people alone and don't mix with them. But I knew
that my desire for female company had become quite overwhelming. I would
have leaped with joy if I would have met Rita that particular evening and
the thought of Marie  I thought quite often about her  made my knees
buckle. That night I did not go back to my hotel, because I had become
afraid to be alone with myself.

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning when I was in a
well-known artist's cafe, sitting in a quiet corner and working on a small
novel I intended to have published as soon as possible.

Then a waitress walked over to my table and asked if I was not the author
so and so, and she named my name.

I turned as red as a beet* Author! I felt completely exposed. I was
embarrassed, and thus I said, No!

If it is really true that one must lose all inhibitions before one can
become a true artist  well, I'll probably never become a true artist.

Isn't it really only inhibition which prevents me from putting my name on
this manuscript? I know many who would love to brag that they had written
it. Perhaps they should be envied.

Soon the waitress walked over to my corner again, this time to announce
that I must be mistaken, because indeed I was the gentleman in question.
And she handed me a letter. A pale-pink envelope, addressed in pencil and
the handwriting was without any particular character, difficult to decide
whether written by a man or a woman.

The waitress noticed my reluctance. She obviously was a woman of
experience. She said, If you write plays, don't be stupid and take this
letter. She can help you and she can harm you anyway she wants. And if you
don't need the theater then you can always tell her to go and get . She 
suddenly started to laugh without finishing her beautiful sentence, saying,
Oh, well, that's what she likes best anyway!

I had not yet been hardened enough in the art of making blunt remarks not
to be slightly upset. I knew that I had correctly guessed the essence of
the expression, though I could not believe that such a thing was possible
in Munich.

Finally I convinced myself that there may be something which I did not
know about and which bore investigating (I was still young then, and
considered myself fully matured in sexual matters, though in reality I had
not experienced a thing). I opened the letter. Yes, there was something
new! The letter was signed by a very famous actress of that time and it
read,

My dear, beautiful Sir:

I know you. Anton (and here followed the name of a famous journalist), who
knows everybody, has assured me that you are an author. He even thinks you
have talent and that old pig usually can never find a good word for
anybody. But I've known your name for a long time because your father was
one of my best friends when I was still an actress in your hometown. As a
matter of fact, remembering your father right now has made me so hot and
bothered that I would love to tear the clothes off your back right here and
now. From where I am sitting I have an excellent view of your nice and
muscular behind. Oh boy, I wish I could bury my face between its nice
cheeks and bury my tongue way up your little bunghole. Why don't you come
over to our table, I bet you have never experienced a thing like that. You
don't have to do anything, I will do it all. Come directly over to my table
and afterward we will go to my home for the experience of your life.

I read the letter three times.

She had signed that letter with her full name!

I remembered the name, though today I can no longer recall it, as one of
the most famous actresses and, once upon a time, the treasure of my
hometown. And she had written a letter like this? She once was one of my
father's best friends? I must admit that I had become somewhat curious. At
least I had to see the woman. I arose, and at the same time a raucous
female voice from the other side of the cafe penetrated the whole room. I
saw a large and stately lady walk toward me, her expensive clothes slightly
disheveled and her reddish countenance betrayed the fact that she was not
entirely sober. I thought I'd pick you up myself so that I don't have to
send that damned waitress over here again.

She offered me her hand which was covered with a glove that reached above
her elbow and which was not entirely clean.

When I hesitated, she simply grabbed my hand.

You've got to sit down before I can grope you.

I resisted. Suddenly she became quite excited and almost shouted at me,
Don't be so goddamn stupid, or I'll make such a noise that everybody will
come over here to look at what's going on.

After the first impression that she made upon me I did not doubt for one
moment that she would not carry out that threat, and since I had no desire
for a scandal, I sat down. It was bad enough that I had been recognized.
She tugged at me and soon I sat next to her. Another lady, and a few
gentlemen to whom I was introduced (one of them was a very famous author
who only came to Munich to get dead drunk on beer) occupied the same table.
When the actress told the author that I also was a writer, he asked me,
Are you professional or do you just write for fun? Excuse me my ignorance,
dear Sir, but as a matter of principle I refuse to read the shit the others
pour out; I have enough trouble with my own!

The other gentleman and the two ladies laughed out loud and called the
author a character. But the actress used the interruption to squeeze my
thighs with the one hand she had slipped under the table, whispering, Open
the two first buttons so I can get inside. When I did no such thing, she
tried to do it herself. It seemed to excite her terribly, because she
suddenly bit me on the upper arm. The author had not missed a thing,
because he suddenly said, Oh God, the old pig is horny again! and turning
toward me, he asked, Doesn't she make you puke?

I must admit that I felt rather uneasy, but on the other hand I was also
very curious. I did not resist when she let her hand wander around till it
had found my member, and when she did find it she pressed herself against
me and groaned out loudly. I really became meaner than I had ever been
before in my life and I talked to her as if I were her pimp. But that
seemed to excite her even more. She tried to wriggle her other hand under
my behind, and when she finally succeeded she stuck her middle finger up my
rear. That finally became too much for me to bear and I started to get up.
The author, who had become very drunk, blurted, Finally he's getting smart
 'Tis much better that the two of you finish that at home  but, beware,
my boy, don't let her bite it off, I know that slut and she wants to take
everything in her big mouth.

I paid my check as fast as I could but I was not fast enough, because ere
I had reached the exit, the actress was at my side again. Oh, why didn't 
we stay a while longer, and without any shame she put her arm around my
middle. I finally decided that the time had come to inform the lady that I
had no intentions whatsoever of continuing our acquaintance and she started
to scream like a fishwife.

No, I beg indulgence from all fishwives, she sounded more like a lowdown
whore in a cheap brandy fit. I fled into the nearest hansom and offered the
coachman twice the fare if he could get me out of there as fast as
possible. He turned around and said, I see she's drunk again.

I could still hear her voice when the cab turned around the corner, You
wanna be an author: hah, piss on you  bastard! I had to smile when I
entered the hotel, because in the lobby hung a life-size portrait poster of
the lady, billing her as Ophelia.

The next morning I left Munich.

Chapter Six. LOTTE AND ELLY

After the repulsive experiences in Munich, I was glad to discover in
Salzburg that the curiosity, delight and satisfaction which the opposite
sex afforded me had not altogether left me. Absolutely contrary to my
original intentions, I decided to settle in that nice town. I rented a
small home outside the city limits, where it isn't even Salzburg any longer
and, if it weren't for the greatest and also most painful experience of my
life, I would have spent the rest of my days in Salzburg and most likely my
history would not have ended as miserably as it did.

Out there, in Heilbronn, during one of my long walks, I met a girl. She
was not young; deep in her twenties I guess, but she was peculiarly
attractive and charming. Well built and slim, her face framed with an
abundance of golden hair, she walked toward me. I stopped and stared. She
noticed it and a slight blush spread across her cheeks. She instantly
awakened that desire in me which a certain type of woman brings out.

It is something of a light hypnosis. I kept looking as she walked past me,
then I slowly turned around and followed her hesitantly. I had the distinct
feeling that she wanted me to start talking to her. I passed her twice and
finally, the third time around, I gathered the courage to start a
conversation. I felt terribly silly and was as gangling as a high school
boy, because once I had brought up the courage to talk, I no longer could
find the proper words to say anything. My eyes tried to penetrate her
clothing and I became terribly excited. I felt as if I had to attack this
woman from behind and simply rape her. I had never felt this way before 
around a fully dressed female. It is possible that her particular odor was
driving me slowly out of my mind.

But fortunately, something of the civilized male in me prevented me from
acting out my primeval urges and I forced myself not to do what I wanted to
do, so as not to spoil any future chances. Since my excitement prevented me
from taking one more step, I remained fixed at the same spot without
letting her out of my sight for one single second. It seemed that my gaze
was holding her firmly, because she slowed down her pace, too, and finally
she also stood still. But that had evidently nothing to do with me. I
noticed that another young woman had approached us from the opposite
direction, her absolute mirror image, slightly younger and instead of
golden hair, her beautiful face was framed in ebony curls. A few moments
later the two were standing together, holding hands. I noticed that the
dark one looked in my direction, making it obvious that they had talked
about me. I cannot remember exactly how it happened, but the next moment I
was standing with the two girls.

I excused myself for anything which might have brought on the displeasure
of the blonde girl.

The three of us continued our walk.

They were sisters, the daughters of a retired high-ranking officer.

We talked about everything. Their ways of speech were so charming and
soft, they were so cuddly, and the perfume they exuded was so intoxicating
that I was walking as if in a dream. I gathered enough courage to tell them
this and also to offer the blonde one my right arm. I felt counterpressure.
She also whispered into my ear, My sister and I are quite inseparable. So
I offered my left arm to the dark-haired one and she cuddled up to me on
the other side. I saw her look at the blonde with a smile that looked like
a silent question.

Meanwhile it had become dark and it was obvious that our kisses had become
a pressing obligation. They invited me to their home because Papa was
visiting the captain of the garrison anyway and would not be home till
midnight. That was the moment to become quite honest, It would be
impossible for me to contain myself; I would be driven out of my mind, and
I surely could not guarantee my best behavior.

Each pressed their bosom against one of my sides and they whispered in
unison, Neither can we! The blonde's hand trailed downward and I felt her
touch just at the spot where my passion was hottest and her breathing was
so deep that it sounded like a sigh.

Of course, today it will have to be like it happened in that play of
yours  said the dark one.

The novel, silly  corrected the blonde. Yes, yes  the lady takes the
young man whom she met on the street into her home, the man was at his
club, and 

I embraced both girls.

But children, before he left, leaning against the door through which her
husband could enter at any time, he took her and 

Kisses rained upon my face from both sides at once.

I must admit that I did a lot better than the young man in my novel.

We were sitting in the gorgeous dining room where an ardent collector had
gathered the choices antiques. A forged iron chandelier lit every corner of
the room. We had dinner and were served by two maids who saw to it that our
goblets were never empty. The heady wines increased our passions. Then the
dark one went into the adjoining salon and sat down in front of the grand
piano, playing, while the blonde one leaned against my shoulder. Now and
then her lips searched for mine. I unbuttoned her blouse and she exhibited
a pair of the most beautiful soft white globes I had ever seen. I pressed
my face against them.

She escaped my embrace, walked over to her sister and, kissing her, she
exclaimed, Lotte's bosom is much more beautiful! Look!

The three of us started kissing each other and my fingers groped around in
sheer beauty. I groaned, Children, I cannot stand it any longer!

Lotte forcibly freed herself, buttoned her blouse and started to play with
all her might. The other one, Elly, pulled me into another room and
together we fell on the floor. She embraced me fiercely, I felt her panting
breath and  wow!

This moment of furtive delight was simply gorgeous, but it became even
better when she pleaded with me, Do Lotte, too!

Sure! Lotte, too!

And afterward we gathered very chaste and properly in yet another room,
sipping tea. We tried to set up plans how we could go about it in the
future. We agreed that today's interlude had been mere chance and it might
be a long time before we would be as lucky again. Our minds and bodies were
heated, our kisses passionate and it was only the threat of their Papa's
pending return as well as the presence of the maid servants we did not
trust, that we did not give our imaginations and actions free reign. The
girls thought it was only natural that I invite them to come over to my
home. Since the previous tenant had been an artist, there was a studio and
we decided that I was going to pass as a painter of their portraits. In
that case the girls did not have to be embarrassed when they visited me.

After I had left their home, on my way to the closest cabstand, I was
overcome by an insatiable desire to view a nude body. My imagination had
shown me profusely what I could not see from my two girl friends. Naked
flesh is what I wanted to see and feel and smell. Oh, what pity that I
could not have taken the girls along to my home. I walked up and down all
the familiar little streets and measured every female I met. One of them
smiled at me. She was heavily made-up and her breasts were firmly corseted.
I visualized how those breasts, the moment her jacket would be unbuttoned,
would dangle down to her belly in disgusting slackness. The idea revolted
me and I got into the first handsom that drove by.

But, at home, I still had the wild desire to view nakedness. I turned on
all the lights and drew the curtains. Thereupon I undressed completely and
stood in front of the mirror. I lifted my arms and tried to look at my
back, but kept staring at my member which started to swell painfully. Then
I started to turn around and waltzed across the rugs that covered my rooms,
my dancing becoming wilder and wilder till finally I was drenched in
perspiration. I went to bed exhausted and pulled the covers over me. My
breath was panting, my eyes were hot and dry, my heart hammered  finally I
fell asleep.

When I woke up it was bright daylight. At first I did not fully realize
where I was. Then I noticed from the alarm clock on my night-stand that it
was way past nine o'clock and I lumped out of bed to discover that I was
completely naked. Slowly I started to remember the bacchanalia of the
previous night and I thought of the two beautiful girls who had aroused me
so greatly that the mere thought of them started to stir my passions anew.
I wanted to see them, smell them, feel their naked flesh against mine. Oh,
why didn't they show up? Were they unaware of my desire for them?

Crazy!

I hastily readied myself and did not make breakfast. I ran out of the
house. Where to? Into town, because I had to see my girls and talk to them,
see them, implore them to visit me and explain to them that I would whither
and die if they did not allow me to possess them fully and completely. Both
of them! I felt that I had to have one in each arm and squirm myself
between their hot, passionate bodies. I suddenly remember the passion of 
Jean Jacques for two girls who were both in love with him  a dark one and
a blonde. Didn't I have the same problem?

I went into town and loitered around the girls' home. They had to come out
of it sometime! Finally I had waited long enough. I decided to leave
because I had to admit to myself that I would only compromise the girls by
standing guard in front of their home, and then talking to them if they
ever decided to go out. I returned to my own little home. When I opened the
iron gate which led into my front yard, I noticed the girls talking to my
gardener.

It took all the powers of my imagination and concentration, which at that
time were not yet fully developed, to greet my girl friends with the
required ceremony. I expressed my regrets that my studio had not yet been
completed and asked them to come into my living quarters.

I had barely closed the front door and entered my large living room when
both girls threw themselves upon me, embracing me passionately. Kisses are
kisses, I know, but some kisses are more so and the passionate ones I had
to endure made my blood course through my veins and swell my muscles. They
were not at all coy, especially since we all knew why we had come together
again.

I met no resistance at all when I started to undress them. Piece after
piece fell to the floor till they finally stood in front of me with nothing
on at all  nothing! I did not even let them wear their fine silk
stockings. They stretched their bodies voluptuously and started to embrace
each other, their large breasts firmly pressing against one another. There
is nothing more beautiful than seeing two gorgeous nude women embrace.
There is also nothing more exciting! They walked over to me and started to
take off my clothes.

When they noticed that my member stretched itself full of desire, they
virtually tore the remaining clothes off my body, kneeled down in front of
me and covered my member with their kisses. I could not stand it any
longer! I lifted the blonde in my arms and carried her towards the ottoman
which was jutting from a corner into the center of my living room. But the
other one did not let go of my member. Suddenly the three of us sprawled on
the ottoman. At that moment I did not know who it was, whose body I
penetrated. I felt a hot body under me, into which I kept poking my member
wildly. But at the same time, my face was resting against a glorious behind
which I could kiss and cover with love bites till I succeeded in burying my
tongue deep into its love-nest. When I had spent I noticed that I was on
top of the blonde and that Lotte had turned her behind toward me, bracing
her sister in such a way that Elly could lick her sister's private parts.

How often I put my member and my tongue at the sisters' disposal I cannot
honestly say. One thing is for sure  none of us was shortchanged. The
greatest excitement I could give the girls was when I laid myself on top of
one, bit the nipples of the other and went with my fingers up their
beautiful behinds. And the girls taught me how I could excite the female
parts with my tongue and I must admit that I thought it a quite charming
pastime. I reached a sexual climax when, under the influence of my mouth,
the girl's body started to quiver and quake. But I never allowed either one
of the girls to take my member in her mouth. I did not mind them kissing
it, especially not after it became difficult to get an erection.

That first afternoon in my home had brought the three of us so close
together that we decided to become friends. Our sexual bouts had awakened
our mutual spiritual love. To make it more comfortable for us I had decided
to furnish the studio especially for our meetings. The wall-to-wall carpets
were soft and thick, and the couches could easily be pulled together to
make a large double bed. And, I also had large thick pillows. The girls had
told me that delight could be increased by raising to a certain height. And
that was how high the pillows were.

It is amazing that the girls did not lose one whit of their freshness and
firmness  even their breasts remained full and firm  despite the regular
small and large orgies we organized every Wednesday and Saturday
afternoons. They took very good care of their bodies.

Of course, by that time I was very well aware of the fact that I had not
been the only man in their lives with whom they had been cavorting
simultaneously. And among my predecessors must have been a few who knew
some very exciting tricks, because not one get-together would go by without
the girls teaching me something new of which I had never dreamt before. And
it was always for the three of us. My past did not bother me at all. I was
in love and they loved me in turn.

Since Elly had remarked once that it ought to be incredibly exciting if we
were to pee upon one another, I had decided to have the studio fully
covered with a waterproof soft cloth. Why shouldn't we try and find out if
there was any excitement to it?

The lukewarm fountains with which we sprayed one another excited us so
greatly that we rolled around in the moisture as if possessed by the heady
aroma of the female urine. When people are in love with each other, there
is really nothing which is disgusting to them and hardly anything which
they are not willing to do. Even though our bodies were wet with urine we
kissed and licked each other incessantly and passionately. On another day,
Elly wanted to try something very special for herself and me and she
allowed me to plunge my member into her behind. At first we met with some 
difficulty but, after having used some oil it became easy. Once I had
penetrated up to 'the hilt, I was in the grip of the strongest sensation I
had ever had, and I needed all my power of concentration to remain calm.
But Elly seemed to experience similar strong feelings, she moaned, groaned
and twisted. Then I noticed that Lotte was giving her sister's little pussy
a thorough workout with her tongue while I was enjoying Elly from the rear.

One thing was remarkable throughout the duration of my affair with the two
sisters: neither of the two girls, nor I, ever experienced any sobering up
after the act. Whenever we had reached a climax, we would start to kiss and
neck all over again till either my member or my tongue, or both, would be
ready for action again.

The least we did was cuddle close together and kiss. Of course, I realize
that one needs the strength of youth and I don't believe that an older man
of let us say, forty, would be capable of spending an entire afternoon
playing the most daring games of love. But we lived our life of love and
games, permeated with pure sensual pleasures, and on Wednesday eves we
longed for the Saturday afternoons; the Saturday eves we looked forward to
the noontime of Wednesday. And sometimes the waiting was too difficult for
me and the girls, causing us to sneak in a few stolen hours from the days
between.

We met frequently in public places or at someone's social gathering, and
we got a secret pleasure out of being introduced formally on such
occasions, pretending that we had never met before. It never happened that
one of the girls came to see me alone, not even when either one of them
would have their periodic troubles coinciding with our regular meeting
days. Once we talked very seriously about our future together, and the
girls unanimously declared that they did not think about getting married.
They had proof enough that it was possible for both of them to have one and
the same friend with whom they could share their sensual pleasures. But to
find a man who would marry one of them and divide his sensual pleasures and
duties equally with both of them presented difficulties. How long would he
be capable of making love to both of us  and there is no man alive with
enough courage to ask one, two or more good-looking friends to help him out
when he has become too weakened to handle us all by himself?

Frankly I was surprised by their reasoning, which was stated as if it were
the most natural thing in the world. The girls threw their naked arms
around my neck and pressed their voluptuous breasts against me. Kissing me,
they admitted that once they did have two lovers at the same time; as a
matter of fact, it had been their first lovers and the four of them making
love together had never led to any trouble at all. I must admit that the
girls had less prejudices than I, because their confession gave me a
feeling that I had never had before: a sort of jealousy caused by hurt 
vanity, a questioning of my own virility. I had fully believed the girls'
assurances that they had never, never loved anybody as much as they had
loved me, that they had never given themselves so completely and without
any reservation, and now I suddenly discovered that behind their love for
me lurked an intense desire. I could not possibly be mistaken: lovemaking
with four must have been more exciting for the girls and have given the man
greater satisfaction.

They noticed that I had become pensive and tried their best to dispel the
impression which their confessions had made upon me with flattery and
kisses. But it was impossible for me to recover the lost innocence of our
games. I pulled the girls close to me and asked them very seriously, But
don't you want to get married? They pressed their hot cheeks against my
shoulders, embraced me tightly, but remained silent. I am serious, I love
you two, you should know that by now! They kneeled before me, passionately
covered my body with hot kisses. Then they jumped up and laughed.

Elly squatted in the middle of the studio on the rug and the gorgeous
sight of her in this inviting position was so breathtaking that I forgot
everything else. I could not take my eyes off her beautiful nudity. I ran
toward her, kneeled next to her and kissed the tears off her cheek. I felt
her tremble all over.

Suddenly she looked at me and said, No, my friend, it would be
disastrous! You are so nice. But a marriage would drive us apart. Think of
the thousand and one little considerations, the innumerable slights and the
many, many hurt feelings the one who is not chosen to be your wife has to
undergo.

But one does not get married for sex only!

No, no  I cannot leave Lotte alone, and neither can she be without me!

I was still sitting next to Elly on the rug.

We love you dearly, she said, can't you feel that? And you should love
us, as long as you can 

She suddenly pulled me toward her and threw her legs around me.

When I penetrated her deeply and with hot passion, she called out while
gasping for breath, We're for making love, not for getting married .
Lotte!

She cried out her sister's name, and Lotte lay down next to us. Suddenly,
Lotte mounted my back, facing the other way, pressing her face between my 
thighs and her tongue started playing with my balls. When Lotte noticed
that Elly was bucking in ultimate passion, she let herself slide off my
back and sought my mouth with moist, hot kisses, tonguing me, and trying to
drive my passions to the utmost limit of my endurance. She forced me,
however, to remain on top of Elly who was now writhing and bucking,
spasming wildly, while she held Elly's legs so that I was captured
completely by the latter.

Elly had become possessed and did not let go of me, even after I had come
for the second time and my head was lolling on the carpet. But suddenly
something happened which made me fully realize how close these two sisters
actually were. Elly remarked that Lotte had not had her just share of the
lovemaking. She called herself an egotist and implored her sister not to be
mad at her. And when Lotte admitted that it was she who had forced me to
remain inside Elly, the girl became so passionately grateful, covering her
sister with kisses, that Lotte sank exhausted upon the floor.

Unfortunately my powers of recuperation were not so great that I was
capable of performing again, despite Elly's ministrations to make me get
another erection. When she noticed that she was singularly unsuccessful,
she hollered at me, You see, you see  you have already forgotten that you
have two women; can't you imagine how it would be if you married one of
us?

She threw herself upon Lotte and embraced her passionately, caressing her
body softly yet insistently, and plastering her with moist kisses; and when
Lotte lifted her beautiful legs, exposing the lips of her private parts,
Elly tried to stuff her breast into the love-nest, trying to rub the
tickler with her erect swollen nipple. She kept staring at my member,
groped at it occasionally, but my plight had been so exhausted that nothing
happened at all.

Elly became frustrated. We have to do something  can't we give her a
substitute? She pulled me down and made me lick her sister's tickler while
she nuzzled her face under Lotte's behind, tickling and licking the other
entrance with her tongue. Lotte groaned and cried out loud. I felt another
erection coming up slowly. I pushed Elly forcefully aside. It felt as if I
spent an eternity on top of Lotte and I would still have been there, unable
to reach a climax, if Elly had not uninterruptedly spurred my flagging
passions by licking my balls and my asshole.

Finally the three of us were so exhausted that we fell asleep and almost
missed the usual hour at which the girls left the studio. But that
particular day the girls were insatiable nymphs. They could not bring
themselves to getting dressed. They danced naked around the room, carrying
me along with them, while they were singing, Isn't it getting hard yet, 
isn't it getting hard?

Finally they left, because nothing happened. I did not think at that time
that I would be able to attain erection for the rest of my life. I walked
them, like I always did, toward the iron gate, kissing their hands
respectfully.

When I wanted to enter my home again, the gardener walked up to me and
handed me a telegram which had arrived earlier. I opened it, and its
contents made me faint. I fell to the floor ere the gardener had a chance
to catch me. I don't think that the message would have devastated me as
much if I had not been so exhausted from the orgy. I had regained
consciousness before the doctor who had been called, had arrived. By the
evening of that day I was ready to travel on a long voyage which led me
across France and two days later I kissed my mother's cold hands.

* * *

After the funeral, which had taken place in the free country where Mama
had given up her passionate spirit, I had a nervous breakdown. I spent a
long time in the care of an old, venerable doctor in the same hotel where
Mama had expired.

My younger brother, who had arrived with a companion, did not move from my
bedside. He became my friend during my long period of illness. He was a
fine person who had inherited Mama's beauty and passion. His hands were so
soft, his eyes so large and beautiful, his expression so pensive. I soon
knew that in him the love of both sexes had mixed to become its own
particular expression, a love which is not precisely the same as a woman's
but yet its desire is for the strength only a man can offer.

He must have noticed that I had recognized it in the way I treated him.
What could have happened to me, if a female had not taken possession of me
at my tender age, had become second nature to him. He symbolized for me the
resurrection of a Grecian youth who inflames the passions of his own sex,
conquering the women who have become useless to their men. A creature of
greatest perfection. We never talked about it, because I was afraid that
words would not be tender enough, too harsh to express my true feelings.
And he was grateful for my silence with a quiet intensity.

He made me want to get better. He consoled me with Mama's passing in a way
which can neither be called motherly, nor only brotherly. During my
convalescence he gave me a new lust for life as soon as he had noticed that
a kiss from him made me shiver. Whenever I was moody, or when I did not
want to take my medicine, he smiled and would say, If you're not nice
today, I won't kiss you.

He has become a very happy man, an apostle of beauty.

It took months before I finally noticed the faint stirrings of a will to
live within me, and it took as many weeks before I walked out into the
world again. I was no longer young in mind and body, despite my relatively
few years; I had become a mature man.

Chapter Seven. THE MAN

I could put this man between quotation marks to denote the irony of the
meaning of this word. What do I care about this so-called virility of
your manhood. This society has made itself a fantastic ideal of strength.
As long as he is able to perform, every weakling is allowed to consider
himself a giant. But the moment the ability for carnal pleasure disappears
for one reason or another, and sometimes this may happen overnight, it
happens frequently that a man does not become serious, but sad. And I truly
believe that a sad man is the most ridiculous sight on earth.

Well, I was at the time such a man. I wrote my most stupid book, a novel
drenched with melancholy, and bathed in tears. Today I know people a lot
better  it's odd, but there are so few men and women  and I am no longer
surprised that this particular bit of trash became my greatest best seller.
I have written many more and better things since which have given me the
recognition in the small circle of connoisseurs which is necessary for a
creative person, but I have never had another smash like that bad book I
wrote. I don't think, or hope, that I will ever have another one. But when
it happened I was still blinded enough to be very proud of my success and
I seriously believed myself to be what all these male and female morons
told me I was, a great man. The success of this novel was also the reason
that a theatrical producer in Vienna, who had read some of my older plays,
commissioned me to write a play for him. To me, his request seemed obvious.

It was about two years after Mama's death that I returned to Vienna. I had
successfully recuperated from my weakness and I also had forced myself to
forget about everything that had happened prior to that sad day  I refused
to think about the past. But, on the road to Vienna, several events of my
life were forcibly brought back to my memory, because of the familiar
surroundings, and one period above all stood out in all its glory, my year
in Salzburg.

I must admit that I had a terrible longing for my two girl friends who did
not know anything else but that I had been called away for an emergency two
years ago. It must have been an insult to them not to hear a word from me, 
the man who wanted to marry one of them, for so long. It occurred to me to
interrupt my voyage to Vienna, in Salzburg. I started to enjoy the idea of
seeing them again, though I realized that they must have looked for, and
found, a replacement for me. They simply did not belong to those people who
just sit there and save it for the love of a man who takes off for several
years, and they also were not the types to deny a man their bodies out of a
misplaced feeling of spite. I knew them well enough for that.

I had kept my home in Salzburg by paying rent several years in advance.
And it was the first place I went to. My gardener was very surprised and
told me that I had changed so much that he had trouble recognizing me. Then
he went on to tell me that the ladies, and he cocked his head, blinked
his eyes and cackled knowingly, had inquired after me for several months
but finally they had stayed away. He even gave me their names and the
moment he noticed that my ears perked up he became more confidential. They
were no good for a fine gentleman like you  everybody in Salzburg knew
about them  ooh, I tell you, Sir, about a year ago there was a real
scandal with a married man about those two  his wife had to come between
them  she went at them with a dog whip 

I was surprised that it made no impression upon me at all. I only remember
that I had to admit to myself then and there that neither a wife nor a dog
whip, nor for that matter the married man himself, would succeed in
breaking off relations with my two friends. I asked, And when were the
girls here for the last time?

Oh, God, I can't even remember, said the gardener, it must have been
more than a year ago since they left Salzburg.

My quick, involuntary movement must have made him realize that I was more
interested than I pretended to be. Oh, they've gone. After a scandal like
that one, cackle, cackle, they couldn't have stayed in this town. And
their father was not much better than they were. He went with them instead
of throwing them out of the house. Well, you know how people talk.

About what, my friend?

Well, that he  that he did it with his own daughters.

I laughed. No, I could not believe that. The girls would never have kept
that a secret from me. More likely that they would have bragged about it to
me. It was simply a matter of their father allowing them to be happy in
their own chosen way.

So why else had I come to Salzburg. In my imagination I had already
created a happy reunion and now I was starving for their company  any 
company.

I had been ill for almost a year and after that I felt it my duty to
castigate myself. Whenever my desire threatened to overpower me I would do
handstands and other gymnastics till I was exhausted. But now my period of
chastity had gone through its crisis.

I was somewhat irritated when I retired into my room. God knows that I, if
I had found out where the girls were, would have taken the next train to
follow them to wherever I would have found them, I would have taken them on
the spot. Oh, yes, I would have. And I did the most stupid thing I could
have done. I stretched myself on the sofa and gave my fantasy free reign.

Fortunately, I was not given too much time, because someone knocked on the
door. A second knock. Finally I decided to call, Come in! A girl came in,
the maidservant of my gardener as I soon found out. She had been sent to
ask if there might be something I wanted. She was a typical peasant girl
from the Salzburg district, fairly tall, sturdy and without too much shape.
I let her come very close to me and when she finally stood at my side, I
took her hand and pulled myself into a sitting position.

What I want  what I want, I asked, caressing her upper arm which felt
strong and firm. Just wait a minute, dear girl, and I will think of
something. I grabbed her around the waist and forced her to sit down next
to me. When I started to take my hand off her arm, she made a move so that
I, without intending, touched her voluptuous bosom.

Now my desire started to awaken. I did not see or hear any longer, I had
become lust. With one full swoop I tore the girl's cotton blouse. I saw the
beautiful white skin, the beginning of her broad, firm breasts. I pulled
the girl down on the sofa with me and, ere she had had time to recuperate
from her initial surprise, I had lifted her skirts high and feasted my eyes
upon her well-formed thighs and almost hairless organ, the sight of which
made me go wild with burning desire. I threw myself upon the girl and,
while my hungry kisses closed her mouth, I penetrated her deeply. She was
as if hypnotized, but when I shamefully wanted to let her go, she clamped
herself around me. Then I noticed her deep red flush, her longing eyes, and
I noticed desire behind her smile, her white teeth flashing, lips curled,
in a half-open mouth.

Do you think you could stay longer? I asked hesitantly.

She nodded, keeping me in her firm grip. I made her let me go, took off my
clothes, locked the door and started to undress her.

She resisted. Oh, no, not that it's shameful! But I wanted to see all 
of her, because I had noticed that she had a beautiful belly. I brutally
tore the clothes off her body and, sure enough, I had never seen a more
beautiful belly and well-formed buttocks on any of the women I had
possessed. I told her so, but she did not seem to listen. She sobbed, hands
on her face, and repeated, Oh, please, you take away all my feeling of
shame.

That made me laugh, and I was surprised to find that I could still laugh.
I started to kiss the girl all over, even her hairless organ. I nibbled the
firm flesh and then I screwed her like a madman. She groaned and bucked and
when I came for the second time, she lifted her behind and pushed against
my body so firmly that I couldn't come free. She suddenly pulled me against
her bosom, her hands pressed against my buttocks, pulling and pushing, and
her innocent fumbling caused me to start all over again in an orgy of fury,
her entire body now cooperating in our wild game of love, an orgy of
steaming flesh. Groaning, she was thrashing wildly on the bed, but when I
wanted to pull out my member she grabbed for it and held it in a firm grip
till it hurt. That was the lust of a wild animal, rutting to conceive.

When she finally let go of me, her words were breathless but her eyes were
shining and she repeated pantingly over and over, Oh, my God, that's gonna
be twins! And she lifted her breasts, adding with a smile I will never
forget, and they won't ever be hungry, neither. I could not help myself,
and kissed her tenderly all over with awe and veneration. Then she dressed
herself with the languid movements of a satisfied animal.

Are you going to come back? I asked her.

She let the question sink in slowly and then felt her private parts,
rubbing them softly as if they were hurting her. Then she said, One more
time, but then you will have to do it till I go silly, if you can bring it
up-but not today  tomorrow, after dark.

And she came to me the next night after the gardener and his wife had gone
to bed. We knew each other fully undressed and it seemed to me as if I was
catching up in one night on things I had left undone for two years. My
member was raw and she was silly.

The next day I left Salzburg. Whether she really did get twins or not, I
don't know. Though I have tried to find out whatever became of this girl 
and I am sure she must have found her man  I never knew what became of
her. I am grateful that I have been able to reward her richly, giving her
the security of a carefree future. I hope that she has found herself a
husband who will bring up my twins to be good and decent people and who
will receive from her body the same delights that she gave me, a poor
starving man.

My following stay in Vienna brought me a period of sexual overindulgence
and a subsequent satiation which, as has happened to so many before me,
brought on a total breakdown in my sex life. I must grudgingly admit that
this misery does not happen to everyone.

The writing of plays obviously brought me in close contact with the
capital's theatrical life. I got to know them all, the little men and the
little women; I have described them exactly the way I found them and earned
their undying ingratitude that way. Obviously they are convinced that I
have lied about everything but that is only because they don't know
themselves and have no idea about the objectionable parts of their
personalities.

And yet, I did find a few with outstanding personalities, oddly enough:
only among the women. Men are either vain out of stupidity or stupid
because of their vanity. Their art is a craft to them. That is why there
are so many who are absolutely unimportant, only a handful who have
perfected their craft to the limit with effort and endurance, and an
occasional virtuoso who has pushed his capabilities far beyond the average.
But it seems to me that there are no longer any true artists among the
performers. I have only met a few women who, because of their temperament,
could not possibly be anywhere else but in the theater.

I was especially intrigued by one of them. Without being truly great, and
definitely without any true claim to all the furor that was made about her,
she was a born actress and above all a real woman. I had met her during a
rehearsal. I was completely taken in by her soft charm, at least during the
beginning. We became intimate and one day I thought that something might
develop between the two of us But then she warned me, My dear friend,
don't become involved that way. You wouldn't be able to bring it up. I need
quite a lot. She laughed a clear ringing laughter and sounded like a cheap
whore, adding, I don't know the situation of your money-bag, but that is
not the bag I am after. And I am sure the other one is neither heavy nor
full enough to satisfy me.

It was known that she was almost exclusively attracted (unless she could
make incredible material gain) to the type of people that are grooms and
stableboys. Once I went with her and the rest of the troupe on a small tour
and all of us stayed at the same hotel. At dinner she was introduced to a
young Italian singer. A few years later he lost his voice and became an
actor. But he must have made a tremendous impression upon her because she
only had eyes for him. The next day I went upstairs to my hotel room and I
had to walk past her door. I saw two chambermaids peeping through the
keyhole and keeping their ears against the door panel. Under the pretense
that I needed something or other, I called one of the girls into my room 
and  how low can one get?  asked her about the things she had heard and
seen. She told me that the Italian and the actress had been humping around
for over two hours now. They had taken the mattresses off the beds, spread
them on the floor and he had  two hours later, mind you  not gotten off
her yet!

The girl was small and pretty but the jealousy in her tone of voice was
big and ugly.

We both put our ears against the wall in the hope to hear something of
what was going on next door. The little chambermaid lifted her skirts and I
took her standing up against the wall, because she wanted to have it, just
like the woman in the other room!

Just like the woman in the other room! It seemed to me that the actress
had a keen eye for my shortcomings, because I am sure I could not possibly
have kept it up for such a long time. I had become too weak for an exercise
like that. And it is quite possible that she, in turn, was incapable of
enjoying milder forms of mutual affection. But she did have what we call
personality. And her strength and personality never left, not even when she
collapsed under what our moral Philistines call, a scandalous way of
life. Even when she was half-dead, she would still try to get it good.

Once I allowed an older actress to seduce me. That was very funny. I had
had supper with her and obliged when she asked me to drive with her to her
home. On the way there I noticed that she was leaning against me. When we
had nearly reached her home she asked me to drink a cup of black coffee, as
all Viennese do, at her place instead of in a coffeehouse. Since every one
of her words had a hidden sob, I assumed that she was rather excited, and
my surmise was correct. I glanced at her sideways, a woman of around forty,
very well preserved, slim, quite a lot of bosom, a good waist and eyes that
seemed to swim in tears. I thought that an aging woman might show greater
appreciation and soon I was sitting in her nice and cozy living room. I
must admit that I was beginning to feel some excitement after the lady had
excused herself for a moment to go into another room. It was not difficult
to guess that our get-together would only develop toward one certain
direction.

She finally reappeared, wearing a light blue negligee, which was
exceedingly low-cut and showed her breasts in all their milk-white
voluptuousness. She rang for her maid, who served us tea, and when the
actress sipped from her cup, bending forward slightly as if to show me her
complete fullness, she nodded to the girl who thereupon left the room. I
had the wildest desire to grab for those large globes and hold onto them.
She smiled knowingly at me and whispered, I would love to see you nude.

Her hand went to my vest and started fumbling with the buttons, then she
let it slide lower and come to rest down there. She became more and more
intimate and I leaned back in my chair, letting my arms hang down and
adopting the attitude of, All right, cruel fate, take thy turn.

She finished unbuttoning my vest, started my trousers, my underwear, my
shirt. She lifted my shirt flaps and pressed her face against my belly with
a contended sigh, looking up to me with sparkling eyes, a tear blinking in
each corner. Then she grabbed with both hands for my privates and pressed
tender kisses upon my member. She then tried to take off my jacket and when
she did not immediately succeed, she asked me to be a little bit more
helpful. And suddenly I was stark naked, she had even managed to take off
my shoes and my socks. She pushed me back upon the couch, took my legs
between her thighs and my member, which had become quite stiff at the sight
of my own nudity, between her fingers. She just stood there, breathing
deeply, and finally after awhile she said, pantingly, Oh, my God, how
beautiful, I'm dying!

The picture of that woman, bending over backwards, in the throes of wild
abandon while all she was doing was holding my legs between her thighs and
my member between her fingers, was too much for me, though tremendously
exciting. I pulled her negligee down, exposing her breasts, which now hung
down like a pair of badly inflated big bladders. She bent over and pushed
one nipple into my mouth. At that moment I started to shudder, but an
uncontrollable excitement came over me and I started to come. Quick as
lightening she bent over my member, stared at it with open mouth, emitting
sounds of pure pleasure. Then she caught the spurting semen and swallowed
it.

That brought me back to my senses. I got up and pushed the woman away from
me. She stretched herself voluptuously as if in aftermath. Then she
buttoned her negligee, put her arms around my neck and smiled at me
gratefully, her eyes still swimming in tears. But I had had enough. Before
I left, she suddenly pressed one of my legs between her thighs, started to
groan and I could see delight in her eyes. Then she shivered throughout her
body. She had climaxed again.

When I left her, I noticed that none of the doors had been locked and I
brought this to her attention. So what? she said, I am not ashamed in
front of my maids, if one of them happens to walk in.

The squeezing of her fingers around my member left a wild desire for more
and an uncontrollable urge for some woman. On my way home I had to cross
that section of small streets where the free girls live. I went into one of
those side streets.

It was still legal, then, to keep the windows lit. The girls would lean on
the windowsills with their elbows, squeezing their breasts between the
forearms. Some of them knocked against the window panes to attract the
attention of the passersby. Others licked their lips with the tip of their
tongue to indicate that they knew some very special tricks. And behind the
darkened windows sacrifices were brought to the goddess of love.

I went up and down the street with searching eyes and finally selected the
first house on the left. I had barely opened the inside glass door when two
girls, both dressed in the barest necessities, came out to meet me. Each
had thought that I had penetratingly looked at them just before I entered
the house. Could I disappoint either one of these creatures? I invited both
to come into a room with me. Room would be too nice a word for this
miserable stable, furnished with cheap draperies and tapestry. The
furniture consisted of a dilapidated sofa covered with a piece of unsightly
cloth.

Both girls smiled at me knowingly and one of them asked how we were going
to be entertained. She thereby allowed her dress to slip to the floor and
now she stood there, wearing only a pair of black silk stockings and
scuffed high-heeled black shoes. Then the other one took off her dress,
holding her hands pressed against her crotch, plaintively saying, Oh, I'm
so ashamed.

Both were well built, not really young, but still firm. I felt their
breasts and patted their fannies but remained standing, fully dressed, coat
buttoned and hat firmly planted on my head. Well, aren't you gonna take
your clothes off? said the one, and the other asked, You only wanna watch
and see how we make it together? You know, I go down on her and suck her
off while you can fuck me in the ass. You're really gonna get something
good but it's gonna cost you ten for each of us. I put one-fifth of the
asking price for each of the girls on the sofa and left. In the corridor I
met a young fluff who smiled at me, saying, Come with me, I'll entertain
you better.

She had a nice look on her face and beautiful dark brown eyes. I caressed
her cheek but then I was out on the street again, standing in front of the
next brightly lit window. I saw a beautiful profile, loose hanging hair,
neck and shoulders that were gorgeous and the breasts perfection. She
tapped with her fingers against the pane. I walked into the house; into the
room. It looked a little bit better than that other room. The girl dropped
her shirt, stretched her arms above her head, turned slowly and asked, Do
you think I am beautiful?

Yes, girl, I said, stroking her gorgeous body, you are truly beautiful.
Do you have to live in a place like this?

Please, everyone comes up with that question, but no one has ever taken
me away from it.

That irritated me. I took her by the hands and held her at a distance from
me. My eyes feasted on her beauty. She said, smiling, Oh, the way you look
at one. Then she pulled me next to her on a sofa.

Do you live here? I asked.

She nodded.

And you can't get away?

I owe the landlady so much money. Please, you don't know how much girls
like us have to pay. She stretched herself. Stop asking foolish
questions. Do you know how to do it good?

I kissed her beautiful shoulders, I took her breasts in my hands and
licked the nipples. I enjoyed her nude beauty, but  I could not get
excited. I did not know what had come over me. What did that mean? I pulled
the girl up and had her sit on my lap, pressing my face against her
gorgeous breasts. She playfully grabbed for my member, her smile faded,
making place for a disappointed expression. I was ashamed of myself. But
she noticed that and tried to console me, Oh, well, you are tired today!

It sounded sweet. I kissed her bosom. A nude bosom, especially a beautiful
one, never failed to excite me. I kept kissing. To no avail. I put money on
her table and ran away. I became nervous and jittery, a feeling I had never
known before. Was I through? No, the girl was not my type.

The next window. A fat slob. I had gone up and down the street once more,
looking into every window, when an old woman who was standing in one of the
doorways, addressed me. Sir, I have something delicious for you. Fifteen
years old  a virgin. I wanted to walk past her, but she followed me. I
have beautiful rooms, dear Sir. A couch with saddle, and if you just want
to look, I have a couple of very proficient girls. I turned around and
followed the old hag.

I want to see them all, I told the crone. And the poor girls arrived,
dressed in blue, red and black gowns. There were about seven or eight.

After a while the old woman returned, pushing a little nude girl ahead of
her, breasts like rosebuds about to bloom. The girl was blushing and shy.
The others, the ones in the gowns, pulled the little one toward them and
one of them even caressed her cheeks and gave her a little tender kiss. The
old woman asked me to come over to one corner and said, That is going to
be fifty already, Sir.

I mechanically opened my wallet and handed her the bills. Then I asked her
to leave the room and I closed the door, behind which, I was sure, she was
listening. I sat down in one of the low easy chairs and ordered the girls
to take off their gowns. I wanted to become excited. I felt that my life's
happiness depended upon proof tonight that I still could get excited. The
girls stood around me in a half-circle, the little one, obviously a novice,
walked shyly up to me.

What are you afraid of? The gentleman won't hurt you, said one of them,
and another added, My God, stupid girl, all he's gonna do is fuck you,
that's why you're here, ain't you? Come on, you'll love it! The others
giggled and felt her lithe young body. They all seemed to have a certain
respect for the virginity of the little one. I pulled her up to my lap,
stroked her soft skin, nuzzled her little budding breast, the small of her
back, kneeding her firm young buttocks. I tried everything I could think of
to become excited, but despite an ardent desire, nothing stirred my loins.

One of the girls said, Why don'tcha take off your clothes? We'll get you
horny. And I started to undress. They all pitched in and helped. They
rubbed their breasts against my face and their organs against my hands and
body, their pubic hairs tickling me all over. I could feel some life stir
in my member. I could have jumped for joy. I took the first best pair of
breasts in my hands, rolled the nipples between thumb and forefinger,
licked the breasts of another. But when I was standing naked in front of
them, the girls made strange faces and one of them said, rather loudly,
Oy, Veh! A more experienced one opined, Difficult to stab a virgin with
that one. I could have died from embarrassment.

I wish you'd kick me to death, I called out to the girls, throwing
myself in desperation upon one of the chairs, covering my face with both
hands. I felt like someone who had just been told he has only one more hour
to live. The girls stood around me, caressing my hair, my skin; one of them
had knelt down and was kissing my member. They were simply nice girls. But
my mood had become so foul that I interpreted their goodness as pity, and
the one thing I could not take was just that. I jumped up, grabbed for my
clothes and asked the girls to leave. When they hesitated, I hollered at
them, Get out! They left me alone.

I left the house slowly. I stole through the narrow street like a thief
and, while I had never cared before that I might meet acquaintances of mine
in that district, who  like I  went regularly on the prowl there, I hid
my face in my coat collar, turning my head to the side every time someone
walked by me. Suddenly I was again in front of that first house on the 
left, I walked back and looked into the window of the beautiful one. She
was still there, as beautiful as ever, and she nodded and smiled at me. I
had been embarrassed in front of her already and perhaps my inability was
entirely due to the miserable surroundings. I clamped myself to that idea.

If you could just give yourself some proof of that, an inner voice kept
telling me. Then I had a splendid idea: I liked this beautiful girl very
much. I went into the house and entered her room. She looked at me, No
longer tired? I asked her if she wanted to get away with me. She laughed,
That's impossible. Where would I go with you?

Away from here. Completely! I will rent you a place. Do you want to?

The girl put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me with disbelief.
Don't do that. You shouldn't joke like that.

It was difficult to convince her that I was serious. She owed the landlady
more than one hundred in back rent. So who cared? I had to pay another
hundred to free the girl from any future obligations since she had not
given any proper notice. I gladly would have given more. Oh, if I could
only have the girl with me in a decent hotel room.

It was a joy to watch the excitement that had come over the girl when she
realized the sudden change of her fortune. Do you really like me that
much? she kept asking me. She went through her clothes and asked me what I
wanted her to wear. Something very simple, I told her. Soon she was
dressed, and she looked beautiful. I embraced and kissed her.

Then I took her to the closest cabstand and gave the driver the name of
the hotel where I wanted to go.

The girl said fearfully, That one? They'll never allow me to enter
there.

I quieted her fears, When you are with me, that I'd like to see.

I took the most expensive suite. After the dungeons in which I had, spent
half the night, I needed some luxury and comfort. The girl held on to me
and stared around in surprise when she saw the beautifully appointed rooms.
Ooh, it's just like a dream, I must be a princess in a fairy tale.

I kissed her again and ordered some choice supper for two and a bottle of
champagne. The girl was utterly charming and what surprised me most, her
manners and social grace were impeccable.

I did not hear one single rude word, and not a single move betrayed the 
girl's profession. And most remarkably, when I started to undress her she
blushed. I carried her to the bed and, after I had divested myself of my
clothes, crawled in next to her, nestled my head into her lap and fell
asleep.

I did not awake till morning and she told me that she had been terribly
worried about disturbing my sleep. She had carefully drawn a blanket over
me and had not dared to stir or fall asleep, but she added hastily that she
had never been so happy in all her life. I took her in my arms and covered
her face with kisses, then her entire body, and when I laid myself on top
of her to take possession of her, she said, You know what? I wish that I
had been a decent girl so that I could give you everything I have.

Then she embraced me and kissed me passionately and then. I could have
cried out joyfully, the old desire started to stir within me, and
excitement took hold of me as if it was never going to stop again. After I
had spent twice, without leaving the girl at all, she took my face between
her hands and said, with shining eyes, You are very strong! And when I
still did not want to get off her, she admonished me softly, But you have
to rest up a little bit, you know, we can do some more of it later on, but
for now it has been more than enough, even for me.

She gave me an almost motherly kiss and put her right arm under my neck,
telling me to lie still. Her left hand sneaked downward toward my member
and caressed it softly. It's really ready for a next one! she exclaimed
in surprise. Let me see that, can I? She sat up in the bed and lifted the
blanket. Oh, how sweet! she exclaimed. Thereupon she swung her right leg
over my body, straddled me and guided my member deep in her insides.

She stretched voluptuously and the sight of that gorgeous woman topping me
was so exciting that I tried to sit up and kiss her body. We spent the
entire day in bed.

We ate the leftovers from the previous night. Every time we woke up we'd
start kissing, wind up fucking and fall asleep again. There was not a
single little spot left on the girl's body I had not kissed. And her
beautifully formed behind worked wonders. It excited me just looking at it
and I loved to sink my teeth into the elastic white flesh of those gorgeous
buttocks.

Late in the afternoon she said, Boy, now we have to get up, and you
should get some fresh air, otherwise you'll wind up with a headache. She
was so nice and charming and pretty that I could not stop covering her with
kisses. But this time she did not give in and finally she succeeded in
getting me dressed. We went together to the Roman Baths and I would have
loved to take my bath together with her. But she told me that for today we 
had had enough. She was afraid I might strain myself again. She was very
adamant and did not want to take a bath together. We could draw a big fine
for that. After the Baths we went back to the hotel for dinner.

From there we went to the theater. On our way I bought her an evening gown
and cape. She was very happy with that. After the opera we sat in a
charming separee and by three o'clock in the morning we were back in bed,
nude and in a hot embrace, confessing our love for each other.

A period of happiness began for me. This girl, whom I had found in a house
of ill repute, was more decent than any of the fine ladies of good society
with whom I had had affairs.

I rented a home for her. A love-nest in which she ruled as a queen. Our
nights and days of love were not wild, yet very intense. Secretly I was
surprised that this girl had no idea of the existence of the slightly
perverted sex which I had encountered among the women and girls of the
so-called better classes. I did not introduce her to these things.

Chapter Eight. TRAGEDY FOLLOWS BLISS

One day, when I walked across Stephen's Square, I met one of my girl
friends from Salzburg. She had seen me first and talked to me. And that
afternoon I visited her in her stately mansion.

After the affair both girls had left Salzburg, their father had passed on
not long afterwards and they decided to settle in Vienna. It would have
been possible for them to lead a simple and quiet life on their
inheritance, but the idea did not appeal to them. Then they had the
splendid idea of opening an exclusive boarding home. It also gave them an
opportunity to fulfill their heart's desire. A home for young gentlemen of
fine families. Three or four at an exorbitant rate because these young
gentlemen needed, except for their school education, everything at home:
French and English conversation, piano and other music and many pleasures
which young people otherwise would seek outside the home. They were lucky.
Soon they had four young men between seventeen and twenty years of age,
each one of them exceptionally good-looking. I am sure that the sisters
exercised a very strict selective choosing.

When I walked into their home they flung themselves around my neck as if I
had never been away, they behaved really as if we had seen each other the
previous day. I had to tell them everything and they showed genuine concern
about my fate. When I wanted to leave they insisted that I stay a little
while longer. They wanted me to witness the life they were leading now. I 
did put in some resistance by not allowing any of the young men to see me.
They laughed at me but finally they showed me a little room where I could
be alone and watch through the keyhole. They thought I would come out of
the room voluntarily once I had seen and witnessed the goings-on. They left
me alone.

Somewhat later I heard voices, young, lusty, laughing voices. The sisters
were alone in the other room, but I looked through the keyhole anyway to
see what made them laugh.

I saw the girls talking to an older woman, obviously the cook. I also saw
that the old woman, without any shame, was fingering Elly's lower belly, at
the same time exposing Lotte's behind by lifting her skirt. She kissed
Lotte's buttocks. Then she left and the girls set the table for coffee and
cake. In came the four young gentlemen; they kissed the sisters' hands, all
wore similar flannel suits, they waited till Lotte and Elly were seated and
then took their own places. Everything went perfectly.

I quietly got myself a chair so that I could watch the proceedings at
ease. I must have missed the very beginning, because suddenly I saw the
girls and the four young men in paradise costumes. I saw four beautiful
mast poles proudly erect, I saw Lotte and Elly each embrace two young men,
I saw the six of them, laughing and panting, roll around on the rugs, I saw
legs and arms entwined and in less than fifteen minutes both girls had been
fucked twice. It was quite a sensation for me to view these male and female
bodies in various stages of ecstasy.

Now it seemed that the four young men were about to leave the room, but
the sisters called them back. Lotte and Elly rubbed the boys' members with
soft towels and talked to them excitedly. I could only hear Lotte's
slightly penetrating voice: Today is a very special day. You can stay here
all afternoon, but there won't be anything tonight.

Regarding that last part of her sentence there was some slight protest.
One of the young men walked over to the piano and started to play a waltz.
I watched the nude couples dance past my door and I could breathe the aroma
of the nude bodies. I noticed a young, handsome giant dancing with Lotte
and trying to insert his member into her while whirling around to the
strains of the waltz. At that moment Elly knocked on the door behind which
I was hiding. The next moment I stood in the middle of a lot of naked
people.

They flew apart, but Elly laughed and Lotte kept her giant in an embrace,
allowing him to serve her standing in the middle of the room, groaning
passionately. Then she ran over to me, kissed me and said, You see? She
introduced me to the nude people, Our dearest friend from whom you people 
may be able to learn a lot!

And as if she had been love-starved for months, she tore the trousers off
my body and before I could do anything, she was holding my erect member in
her hands, putting kisses all over it. Elly called out, He has the most
beautiful body I have ever seen and as far as fucking is concerned, he can
outdo each and every one of you.

The young men seemed used to the fact that their paradise was inhabited by
more than just one Adam and Eve, because my sudden entrance did not seem to
bother them one whit. They only insisted that I join the group and take off
my clothes. The young men were wild, but the two girls were even wilder.
They no longer bothered to get up from the rug, but just lay there with
their thighs spread apart, pulling one after the other down on top of them.
As long as any of us could hold out we were straight fucking. And the
moment our members needed some recuperating, our tongues became very busy.
The boys licked everything: lips, breasts and nipples, between the buttocks
and the sex organs. And when the members still did not get hard enough, the
girls' tongues would pitch in. We were all rolling around on the carpet in
one big ball. Lotte had one big member in her twat, another stuck in her
behind, a third down her throat and another in her right hand. Elly only
had two. Each one of the girls must have been fucked and sucked at least a
dozen times before dinner was announced and they still were bucking and
lustfully groaning for more.

They did not want to let me go and after dinner we were back down on the
floor again. I was between the two sisters. I asked Lotte, Aren't you
afraid you will ruin these boys?

It's not this way every day, she laughed. Usually they only get it
twice, once in the afternoon and once before bedtime. That's normal, isn't
it? If the boys had their way, it would be like this afternoon every day.
Oh, God, at least one knows why one is alive, she added as an
afterthought.

I asked her what they did those few days of the month when they were
incapable and she said, The boys are positively crazy about those days.
They can only visit us at night and we keep the room dark. But have you
never taken a woman during her period? That's when they are at their best.

The young giant had overheard us and he slowly crawled over to Lotte and
put his enormous erect member in her hand. You see, Lotte said, all he
has to do is hear about it and he is raring to go again!

Without taking any further notice of us, the two started to lick each
other and ere long the young giant threw himself upon her, penetrating her 
up to the hilt. Amidst her groaning and moaning, Lotte called out, Elly
does not have anybody yet, you lazybones! Then she threw her legs around
the giant's waist who kept pumping away and did not seem to get tired at
all.

We all took turns in possessing Elly, who was very sweet and willing in
her ecstasy. But when all of us had spent in her, the young giant was still
deeply locked into Lotte, who was moaning low and spasming voluptuously.
The young man was holding her buttocks firmly in his large hands, lifting
her against him while grinding away at a steady pace. I have never seen
such capacity and endurance in any woman before, or since.

All that time I had not once given a single thought to my girl, Anna. The
newness of this orgy at the sisters home had completely wiped every other
thought out of my mind. When I was in the big double bed between Elly and
Lotte, trying to fall asleep, which I couldn't, I suddenly thought of her.
It had never happened before that I did not show up for a solid day and
night. To rid myself of thinking about Anna, I turned my face against
Lotte's naked breasts and sucked her nipples. But she was so sound asleep
that it did not wake her up.

That excited me. I became terribly agitated; I simply had to do something
which would afford me release from tension, at the same time preventing me
from thinking about my girl. Carefully I turned Lotte on her back. I did
not have to pull her thighs apart because she opened up wide automatically,
even in her deep sleep. I crawled on top of her and quietly guided my
member into her, penetrating ever so softly but very deep. She stayed
asleep and her breathing was deep and regular, it did not even quicken
while I took her. I experienced a feeling of voluptuous release as I had
never felt before. And when I had spent, I fell asleep on top of her.

When I woke up my member was still deep inside her. As a matter of fact,
it had become quite hard again and I looked into Lotte's shining, laughing
eyes, felt her hands in my armpits and her belly moving up against me.

Oh, you sweet angel, you, she sighed several times. Then she reached for
Elly who was still asleep. But Lotte did not give in till her sister was
wide awake and joined us. While I was poking away at Lotte, Elly had turned
around in the bed and was working over my behind, exactly as we had done
that evening in Salzburg when I was still the one and only in the girls'
lives.

I was a guest at the home of my Salzburg girl friends for three days, and
indeed, during that time the young men were limited to once in the
afternoon and once at nighttime. For the remainder I was allowed to satisfy
their every whim, and, incidentally, every one of my own whims. When I left
their home, promising that I would return as soon as possible, I was
completely worn out and my knees buckled under me. I went to the baths and
from there straight home. I wanted to sleep, long and sound; afterward I
would go and see Anna.

When I woke up after God knows how many hours, I was still shot. I had to
admit regretfully that I was no longer capable of absorbing the excesses of
the past few days. I wanted to excite myself and kept thinking about all
the situations and positions I had been in; I tried to visualize Lotte and
Elly, singly and together.

But then I had to think of the poor girl out of the whorehouse. My God,
how nice and decent she was.

My knees were weak and my head was still spinning when I arrived at
Anna's. She ran toward me and took me in her arms, still crying. I could
not even find out how you were. I would have visited you immediately if I
had known where you live. You have to tell me your address. You could have
been far more ill than you were now. You were ill, weren't you? I felt
guilty and I did not want to admit it. And one is never more unjust than
when one feels guilty.

You are nervous. Did anything happen? Please, tell me. Did you spend too
much money on me? She tried to nestle herself upon my lap. You have been
too good to me. I haven't earned so much goodness 

She wanted to go on but I pushed her rudely away from me. She put a fist
against her lips, knuckles white, and stared at me as if she wanted to look
through me. That irritated me even more. I got up reluctantly and asked
her, Do I owe you any accounting for my time?

She stared at me for a long time, biting her knuckles. No, you don't
you're right. But then she sank down into a chair and started to sob
uncontrollably, even though she tried to contain herself.

I could not possibly have been normal and I must assume that the almost
endless orgy at the home of the two sisters had dulled my senses, because I
remained fully apathetic at the sight of the one woman I loved going
through hell. When she did not stop crying I became furious, turned around
and stomped out of the house. The next day I sent the girl a letter by
messenger with a note for one thousand in it and the request to give me my
freedom back. I still have to blush deeply and shamefully when I think
about that. I am convinced that the girl would have flung the money in my
face if I had given it to her myself, including all the other gifts she had
received from me. But I was a big coward and remained hidden from her. She
did not know where I lived but I moved nevertheless to one of the suburbs, 
wanting to put as much space between her and me as was physically possible.
But she would be revenged  poor Anna.

* * *

I tried to lose myself in my work so I would not have to think about the
new situation I had gotten myself into. I turned my nights into days and
vice versa. I divided my time between my bed and my writing desk and the
many leeches and parasites who kept me company, the pseudo literati one can
find in almost any coffeehouse from Vienna to Berlin. All of them are
loudmouths with a little bit of influence here and there; some of them even
belonged to the editorial staff of a genuine newspaper.

I enjoyed reading my name in newspapers more frequently. Every time there
would be some small item mentioning that one of my plays had been performed
somewhere, obviously with great success, sometimes it would say that I was
working on another one, then it was because one of my books would be
reprinted, or a new one was about to be released. I scoured the drawers of
my desk for small items I had written now and then, gathering them into
anthologies that only found a publisher because my name on it was a
guarantee for advance sales.

I know that people who write, and write things that are truly worth the
trouble often plague themselves for months and years and then they have to
grovel before some innate people in order to get their works published. But
I never gave that a thought. One has to feel the ice-cold hand of death or
go bankrupt to realize these simple truths. But in those days? I was proud
of the fact that a well-known newspaper tried its best to add me to its
staff and I became, though very temporary, one of their editorialists. I
did not learn anything worthwhile during that period. How little use did I
make of my experiences! But about that I will talk in another book, if I
ever get around to writing one.

There were two people I liked a little (just a little) more than all the
others with whom I associated. They stood out ever so slightly among the
masses of acquaintances, but at least they stood out and that had attracted
them to my attention. One was a very fat fellow who could have been a very
fine writer. The few scraps he showed me to read proved that to me.

He was financially well-off and belonged to the very few who did not live
off my income. He gorged himself on food and drink and ate himself into an
untimely death. The other was the producer-director of a neighborhood
theater. I mention both because they taught me an entirely new side to my
sexual life. Once I came to know them better they allowed me to join them
in a few of the big fat one's entertainment nights. By God, that was really
something new to me, sickeningly new.

The fat one was, as he was wont to point out frequently with a whining
voice, absolutely through. He was impotent, as he assured me often, with
moist eyes and quivering lips. But he still had some desire left for a
little excitement now and then. Lord knows how he did it, but he always
managed to drum up a couple of waifs; boys and girls, about once a month.
He would invite them into his home and personally give them a bath (the
director and I were allowed to watch through a peephole), and then they
would go into the living room where the children were ordered to
masturbate, or to rub their sex organs against each other. The old lecher
would just sit there, with but-toned-up fly, groaning with pleasure till
some of his seed would drip through a limp member.

Those were his sexual holidays. The director enjoyed a few more realistic
delights. And I? I had discovered something entirely new, though I never
could find any true delight. Anyhow, these events ended abruptly, because
our fat friend died. One day he had found a rather curious way of sexual
satisfaction. He had lowered his enormous bulk into a tub of lukewarm water
which was filled just high enough to allow the head of his member to bob up
and down. He pulled the wings off a horsefly and let the insect crawl
around on that tip. That's when a massive stroke surprised him.

We all knew that he had been playing this particular game once in a while
and the life he was leading was both fascinating and repulsive to me. I
endured it for two years and then the day of reckoning arrived. Those are
the days that give birth to the most enormous stupidities.

I told myself that if sex had degenerated with me into wallowing in filth,
I needed extra strong excitement to whip up my passions. Were there any
that I had not yet tried? Now what? And again that same desire welled up in
me: the love for my own sex. And I don't know why I resisted this urge with
all the energy that was left in me, just like I had done every other time.
Oh, how I wish I had given in to it because I allowed this desire to be
conquered by the worst form of hypocrisy that our Philistine society could
have dreamed up: I decided that it was about time to get married.

I had not given thought to any person in particular, merely to the idea
itself. This was because of my reasoning: of all the other forms of sex,
the only one that is unknown to me is the well-protected way of the marital
bed. She has to be someone entirely different from all the others you know,
I told myself. Usually one gets married because of love or adoration or, at
least, to bring some form of regularity into one's life. About twice a week
makes over a hundred times a year and that that sounds more than
sufficient, according to church regulations. The man quietly at the side of
his loved one, quietly doing with those bodily parts what nature intended
him to do with them, and then back to sleep.

It started to sound excitingly new and I was overcome by a longing for
happiness and a desire to get married great enough to inflame my excitable
imagination. Therefore, I started to look around and really, among the
citizenry I found myself a girl that seemed as if she were capable of
giving me this particular paradise on earth. I was not a stranger among the
members of the girl's family. They knew all about me from write-ups in the
newspapers, and they respected me because I was rich and famous. Moreover
the daughters of the house were enthusiastic about everything that looked
like literature, especially the genre which one might consider modern.

In short, I became engaged. I told myself that I had to do things
differently from other engaged couples who pretend respectability and in
secret learn all about the charms of their brides by pawing with their
coarse and vulgar hands, ruining the nice girls' blouses and dresses.
Occasionally their underground activities would ruin a pair of good
stockings or pull a pubic hair.

No, I preferred to be vulgar and indecent in words only, since this is
very fashionable and expected from a modern man who is also a well-known
literary person. Once my bride hinted that she did not understand that a
man like me, especially during the opportunities we had together, remained
30 incredibly respectable as only a true Philistine could. No, my child,
I told her, I am a true connoisseur, and I refuse to enjoy my delights by
bits and pieces. T take my pleasure all at once, I want to exhaust it
completely and, if necessary, I will be destroyed by it.

She cast her eyes down and asked shyly, a blush covering her face, Have
you never  found pleasure?

I have never been married, I answered, and added more honestly, I am
waiting for happiness. She rested her head on my shoulder and did not say
a word. I waited, because I assumed that she was going to say something,
something important. But she remained silent and, after awhile, started to
chatter about other things.

A few weeks later she was my wife. To betray her during the engagement
period would have been vulgar, to say the least. I did not even have any
desire to do so. I had achieved a certain state of expectation which really
made me feel very good. I wanted to remain chaste for this special one, who
was going to become the center of my life and who existed for no one else
but me.

After the wedding ceremonies we took the train. I felt terribly festive
and kept telling myself that my life finally had been given a purpose. At
nightfall we had arrived at a station which appealed to me. When we arrived
at our hotel, I passionately embraced my beautiful young bride.

Silently I held her in my arms and finally my lips sought hers. She is
mine, she is mine, inner voices jubilantly sang. It was not just a brutal
feeling of lord and master; no, it was the exalted experience of a free
spirit knowing that the merger of two was necessary to become one again. I
knelt in front of her and asked her softly, Do you want to give yourself
entirely?

She laughed. Aren't we man and wife?

Not yet.

She bent over me and said, whisperingly, But please, be careful, don't
make me pregnant right away. Do you really want children at all?

I heard, but unfortunately did not listen. The shyness of the girl and her
desire not to cut the period of happiness short with an unwanted pregnancy.
The desire for possession had been awakened in me. The lust for one who had
never before been possessed and who had saved her virginity for me.

I sat down and pulled my wife upon my lap. I started, as tenderly as
possible, to unfasten her dress. I felt positively giddy when I exposed her
well-formed, marble-white breasts and lovingly gazed upon the firm round
globes. I kissed them and her shoulders and then I proceeded to unfasten
her other garments. I carefully explored all the forms of this beautiful
girl's body which soon was to be all mine. She resisted a little bit when I
proceeded to take off the last obstacle but then she stood before me, a
beautiful Eve as no painter would ever be capable of portraying, in the
middle of the room, under the chandelier, the epitome of womanhood.

I kissed and kissed. Then I turned off the light and undressed. I embraced
her and our glowing bodies pressed together. Are you going to hurt me very
much? she whispered anxiously. I carried her to the bed and started to
caress her slowly. A shiver went through her body. I am afraid, she said
fearfully.

I took her firm breasts in my hands, rolled one nipple between my fingers
and licked, nibbled and then sucked the other one. My tongue trailed a path
along her belly, her sex and her thighs. Then I tried to break down her
resistance. At first quietly and insistently and finally with a little bit
more force.

I asked her, trying to tone down my excitement, Do you think I am a
brute, don't you want me?

I noticed that she hesitatingly opened her thighs a little. Suddenly I
threw myself upon her. I heard her cry out  it had happened. I took her,
kissing her wildly and embracing her passionately. When I had sacrificed
for the first time, I heard her groan and cry. I blanched. It hurts so
much, she complained. I kissed her tenderly, but when I wanted to mount
her again she begged-me not to do it. I shrank back and tried to remain
calm. Oh, yes, she knew how to hurt me.

A little while later I felt her hand. Are you mad at me? But please, it
hurts so much! And when I did not answer her, she crawled over to my side
and kissed me. First my mouth, then my chest, my belly  she reached for my
member and took it in her hands. It's far too big for me., That sounded
so horribly sobering. I gave her a quick kiss and said, Go to sleep, my
child. She pulled away from me and soon. I heard' her regular breathing.
She was sound asleep.

I intended to be very considerate. This young creature had to-get used to
many things that I took for granted. We continued our trip that same day.
All day she was very sweet and demure but when we were finally together in
the suite of our hotel in Trieste, she snuggled up to me, took my head in
her hands and said,

Dear heart, we are modern people and we should be able to talk things out
quite openly. And after all, since last night we are truly husband and
wife. She looked me square in the face, And really, we should hold
nothing back from each other. So, you see  Now she hesitated slightly. I
did not insist and waited. Finally she went on,  I've read a book, I
think it was French  no, I'm sure it was  please, turn off the light.

I turned off the light and when I had found my way back in the darkness to
where we had been sitting, I grabbed something naked. I pressed my face
against her thrusting breasts and hardening nipples and felt her hand steal
down toward my groin. Wait, I'll take everything off, and you undress,
too. Yes? She seemed to be very excited. Now we were nude. Can you find
your way to the bed, or at least to the night-light?

I stumbled my way to the bed while she held onto me. I turned on the lamp
on the night-stand, then I lifted up my young wife and lifted her into the
bed. She held her arms tightly around my neck and pulled me with her. I
covered her beautiful body with kisses. I lingered when I had reached her
sex and pressed many kisses there to excite her even further. I pulled the
lips with my fingers and stuck my tongue into the opening as deep as I
could.

Oh yes  fine  ooh, you  how  fine!

It excited me tremendously. I licked and licked and the more I licked the
more her beautiful body quivered with voluptuous pleasure. She bucked, she
turned and thrashed and started to groan with carnal delight. Suddenly I
felt her hands on my head. She caressed my cheeks, my ears and ruffled my
hair. Oh, sweetheart, she exclaimed, that's what I meant, and you can't
get pregnant that way either  that's what I read in that French book. She
leaned upon one elbow, and kissed me. I want to do the same thing to you,
but how do I do it? You lick me and I lick you  oh, isn't that wonderful?

She took my rigid member and pressed it, suddenly she planted a kiss upon
it. When you can lick me, I can lick you, she exclaimed, happily
laughing. I was so overexcited that I had no will of my own and I sank on
my back. She licked and licked and licked and did not stop even when my
seed was spilling. But now I had become incredibly horny.

She kissed me passionately with moist lips.

Then she asked, Can't we do it at the same time you do me, I do you? and
she spread her thighs apart. I showed her how. I mounted her the wrong way,
my face in her sex and my member turned toward her face. At first we licked
mutually but soon she left my member alone and enjoyed herself alone. Only
when she felt that I had satisfied her did she take it back against her
lips, licking, occasionally nibbling with her teeth. After this second
licking I was exhausted. But she wanted more. That night my misery had
started.

She did not want an;- other way of intercourse and declared flatly, Isn't
it the highest form of love? Could you do a thing like that to a man you
don't like? Her logic was devastating.

And we licked. She me, I her. She started to bloom and looked more
beautiful every day. The strain was beginning to show on me; I was heading
for a nervous breakdown and after these nightly orgies I was incapable of
going to sleep. She did not listen at all when I told her that this manner
of conjugal bliss was killing me slowly. I will be very considerate, she
promised. But when, because of the proximity of her beautiful nude body my
member became rigid, she would exclaim happily, But see, he wants to! And
then I, too, wanted it again. She loved it so much that she also wanted to
be licked during the day, and there have been days that she insisted upon
at least six times. And I had to be undressed during these ceremonies at
all times. Finally my member refused to react at all, and my wife resorted
to tricks. She rubbed it, sobbing, against the throbbing nipples of her
breasts, she licked my anus, and even that seemed to excite her enormously.

We had long since returned to Vienna. I still had one joy, the sight of
her marvelous, nude body. But I also had the desire to possess it. 
Completely, not just with my tongue. I implored to no avail. I begged her,
and she would answer, You want to be a modern man, don't you?

One night I came home much later than usual. When I entered the bedroom, I
found it empty. I became worried. I looked for her everywhere and when I
came close to the door of the servants' quarters I heard a noise in the
chambermaid's room. I heard moaning, Ooh, yes  that way  down further 
Oh, my God  it's great!

I sneaked away and went to bed, as if I did not know that my wife needed
more tongues than mine only. An hour later she came down, relaxed, happy
and a little bit tired.

She pretended to be very surprised to find me in bed, and as if nothing
had happened, she kissed me and lay down herself. I started to boil over,
I've been looking all over for you 

I know, darling, and it was very decent of you not to open that door 
you know that Tina is fantastic. She licks like no one else. Really, you
should try it, too. Have something really good and have her give it to you


All the hate within me crystallized and I said, Fine!

Her eyes lit up and she said quickly, I know what we can do; you lick me,
she licks you, and if she wants to, she can twiddle herself with her
fingers! She bounced out of the bedroom and returned soon with a slightly
reluctant chambermaid.

She pulled off the girl's nightgown and stood next to her. Which one of
us has the nicest figure?

I cannot remember whether the girl was good-looking or ugly. The only
thing I can remember is that I threw her upon the bed.

I heard my wife ask, What position should we take?

I knew what position I was going to take. I was going to rape and fuck the
maid right in front of my wife's eyes.

But my fury had killed my desire. I couldn't  What had happened to me;
what was I going to do?

Back to your room, I hollered at the girl.

When she had slipped out of the room I turned around to my wife. I grabbed
her by the hair and dragged her to the bed. And I hit her and hit her, and
if I had not blacked out, I would have killed her.

I left my home that same night.

This marriage has brought me to the brink of my grave. A serious heart
condition is the result of months of unnatural copulation. I will most
likely die of it before I have finished this confession.

But I do hope that this writing will show this execrable creature whom I
loved and who called herself my wife that the only whore I ever knew and
who temporarily played a role in my life was venerable compared to her who
had vowed before God to share my bed. Amen!
